Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Open a Savings Account at the Local Sperm Bank?”

Most places don't have
ATM deposit capability
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I drive past a sperm bank every day on my way to work and I keep thinking about going in there one day to speak with a representative about opening an account. I don’t know if I really need to, but I feel like I have enough sperm that I should be doing something with it. Why should I just let it all die in my garbage can when I can have it in an account earning interest? Also, how much sperm do you need to give them in order to open an account? I want to make sure I have enough and don’t get rejected. That would be embarrassing. I’ve been saving up some and it’s getting a little gross so I don’t want to end up having too much. I figured I’d ask people first because I don’t want to go in there asking a bunch of dumb questions and make an ass of myself. I want to walk in there like I’m a preferred customer who’s been doing business there for years and even has a safety deposit box on the premises. Do you think I need an ATM card? I figure the slot where the sperm comes out must be disgusting so maybe I’ll avoid that. -- Matt from Boston

Dear Matt:
I’m fairly certain that’s not how sperm banks operate. Frankly, if I were you I would just go in there and ask whatever questions you have. Just be prepared to stand in line for awhile before the teller turns on that light to let you know it’s your turn.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll answer them as soon as I can.

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