Five Simple Ways To Reduce Ass Sweating in the Summer

Not everyone can afford
special sweat resistant
astronaut underpants.
It’s the dog days of summer which means one thing: your ass turns into Splash Mountain. There’s nothing quite like the sensation of having a sweaty ass. It’s very uncomfortable, kinda like having wet socks, except instead of socks, it’s your underpants. Sweaty ass is one of the main negatives to warmer weather, but it is a reality we have to deal with. As climate change makes global temperatures rise, ass sweat is going to be a much bigger problem than anyone can possibly dream. With that in mind, here are 5 simple ways to help reduce your ass sweat problems today and well into the future hotter summers when your buttcrack is irrigating itself like a goddamn lettuce farm:

1. Talcum powder your ass.
You know how LeBron James rubs that powder on his hands and throws it into the air before a game? That’s what I do with my buttcheeks because the powder dries up all the sweat.

Talcum powder really soaks up that assweat.

2. Put a paper towel in your underpants.
Stuffing your underpants with paper towels is a nice way to mitigate excessive anal sweating. If you’re a profuse sweater you might want to take a break from work every half hour or so to go to the bathroom and wring out the towels into the toilet. I’d say use the sink, but that can be very awkward if someone walks in and sees you with your pants down squeezing sweaty ass towels.

Always go with the quilted variety for maximum soppage.

3. Don’t sit down for long periods of time.
When you’re standing that allows stray wind gusts to blow onto your ass which can be a very refreshing feeling when you’re butt is coated with sweat. Also standing allows gravity to pull the sweat off your bottom naturally. If you’re sitting that’s just pancaking the sweat against your butthairs and creating a breeding ground for bacteria as well as encouraging more sweat gland activity.

If possible, wear a long flowing gown to facilitate air ventilation.

4. Take breaks during the day to fan your anus.
Have one of those pocket fans with you at all times and when you get some alone time, let it evaporate the sweat off your cheeks. I would recommend a full power office fan, but that can put you in a pretty compromising position. No boss wants to walk in on one of their associates drying their anus in front of their fancy high powered oscillating fans. Plus if you don’t know how to get it to stop moving from side to side you have to move your hips along with the fan which not only makes you feel stupid, but it’s a needless exertion that can lead to even more sweating.

And yes, farting into a fan at high speed will make an even funnier sound than usual.

5. Put a tampon in your butt.
This is kind of an extreme step for most. That doesn’t take away from the fact that it works. I would really only recommend this to either women or people who have a serious ass sweat problem. If you’re sweating so much you’re ruining your pants and people are constantly asking if you sat in water then you might want to give the tampon method a try. They’re super absorbent and sweat will naturally trickle into it. Please note: it could take several months to get used to this. In some cases you may NEVER get used to it. You just have to weight that discomfort against that of a constantly soggy ass.

A sanitary cloth pad is also a good thing to use. Of course it can be a tad bulkier and awkward to be caught wearing.

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