Ask McFartnuggets: “Is The Smell of Cut Grass Really A Distress Signal?”

Every lawn is like a grass
concentration camp.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Some biologists speculate that the smell of fresh cut grass is caused on purpose by the grass as a distress signal to other grass. Is this true? -- Babs from Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Babs:
That’s possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. How exactly does that help the grass? First off, grass doesn’t have a nose so how could it even smell that distress signal from the grass that’s being “attacked.” Second, what could the other grass do in response to receiving this signal? Would the other grass sense that and be like “OH OKAY! Other grass is in trouble, we should go try to help them, or run away!” Well grass can’t do either of those things so there’s really no reason for a “distress signal.” The only way this makes a damn bit of sense is if the grass releases the fresh cut grass smell to affect the sinuses of people with lawnmowers. The people cutting the grass might be allergic to the smell of cut grass and then they might stop the massacre. Of course, that probably never actually happens. Even if a landscaper is allergic to fresh cut grass they’ll just wear a mask or find another job and some other person would end up slaughtering the grass. Plus, that’s a bit technical and advanced a strategy for GRASS. I sincerely doubt grass is smart enough to come up with such a specific defense mechanism.

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