Dumbass Product Names: “Hamburger Helper”

“Hamburger Helper” is a box of pasta with seasonings that you’re supposed to mix with hamburger meat to “help” hamburger taste better. Let’s get one thing straight here. Hamburger doesn’t need your help. Hamburger is one of the best foods in the world so you can save your damn help for foods that actually need it. Now tuna helper on the other hand is totally understandable. Tuna needs a hand up once in awhile, but not hamburger. If you want to be involved in flavor assistance why don’t you help out LIVER or SARDINES. Those are foods that could really use some assistance. Hamburger will be just fine without you. You never hear of Steak Helper, Lobster Helper, or Bacon Helper because those are other foods that don’t need help. Hamburger really does belong in that class. Steak and hamburger are both cow meat. You know who needs a hand to help it taste better? VEGETABLES. Where’s your vegetable helper at? Helping hamburger and leaving vegetables tasting like crap is like donating your life savings to a puppy shelter when there’s a human hobo shelter right down the block. It’s nice that you’re trying to help, but let’s get our priorities in check here.

Hamburgers don't need your charity.

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