Ask McFartnuggets: “Where Can I Adopt a Rescue HUMAN?”

No, not THAT kind of
rescue dog!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I always see people who have adopted rescue dogs and they think they’re such big heroes, but I want to know where I can adopt a rescue HUMAN. Personally I believe that humans are a little more important than dogs and since there are humans out there being starved and tortured I think it’s best to help them first before dogs. Where the hell can I find some rescue humans? -- Nathaniel from

Dear Nathaniel:
There are rescue humans all over the place, they’re called hobos. Basically orphans are human rescue puppies. You can go to any local orphanage and see about adopting one. There’s usually a lot more paperwork that goes into it than when you’re adopting a rescue dog. If you really want to make a difference and show people how great you are I would just invite a homeless person to live with you. Let them move in and try to help them get a job. Just make sure they’ve had all their shots and a psychological test would probably be good too just to make sure they won’t kill you in your sleep to take all your shit. That’s a risk you take with any rescue people or animals. A rescue pit bull might kill you too, but if they’re a sane person, the rescue human will probably be happy just to have your help and want to succeed to thank you for believing in them. That’s the idea rescue human scenario and when that happens it’s great. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen very often for whatever reason. I think too many people are worried about being killed in their sleep.

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