11.29.2014

The Top 5 Signs It’s Too Damn Cold Outside

Sometimes just seeing cold
isn't enough proof.
If you’ve ever seen those commercials for Coors Light with the mountains that turn blue to let people know when their beer is cold then you know sometimes people have a difficult time processing cold weather stimuli. This is actually a serious condition. If you can’t feel cold then you can be susceptible to deadly pneumonia or even frostbite. For those people, here are the top five signs you know it’s too damn cold outside:


5. No public protests
Even in a time when there are tons of things for people to protest like the Michael Brown case, the colder it is the less likely people will stand outdoors for hours on end, yelling while holding signs. Even if you don’t have a job, it’s still very uncomfortable and hard to keep chanting while you can’t feel your lips. When you see zero people protesting outside you know it’s cold. How many Inuit protesters have you ever seen? They don’t have time for that shit because it’s too damn cold in Alaska.

Believe me, they'd protest if they could feel their nipples.



4. When people get into fights they say “You wanna take this inside?”
The classic phrase to yell when you want to fight someone is “You wanna take this outside?” But when it’s too damn cold out you’ll find more people saying things like “You wanna keep this INSIDE?” Because fighting outdoors when it’s below freezing isn’t worth it for anyone. Plus, with winter gloves on it’s more of a boxing match and no one really wants to see that.

It's a known fact that violent engagements in fisticuffs or other tomfoolery decrease in cold weather.



3. No public masturbation
One thing you rarely see when it’s freezing or below is people masturbating in public. In the summer it’s all over the place. Even if a hobo did want to smack his weasel outdoors, his balls would probably get stuck to the seat at the bus stop and he’ll be wishing he had some actual coffee in that cup to pour on them and loosen that mess up.

You don't see this type of thing very often in the winter months.



2. You slip in dog shit
You know it’s too damn cold when instead of stepping dog shit and getting it into every ridge in your shoe you simply just slip on it like a banana peel because it’s frozen solid.

The nice thing about super cold weather is you can replace your pooper scooper and bag with just a hockey stick and slap shot a frozen dog turd into a garbage can.



And the number one sign it’s too damn cold outside is...



1. When you fart, steam comes out.
It has to be pretty damn cold for steam to come out when you fart. You’d think it’d be easier to see considering how hot farts feel, but you just don’t see it until you get into the below freezing temps. That’s when you have to really wear thick snow pants and hope to god no one notices it looks like you’ve got a brush fire burning in your asshole.

When your butthole starts resembling a geothermal hot spring, it might be time to head inside.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t They Call it Up Syndrome?”

Maybe it's "Down" Syndrome
because they're so fluffy and
soft!
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey how come people call it Down Syndrome? Shouldn’t we call it Up Syndrome? Why the hell are people trying to put these mentally handicapped people down and make them feel lower than other people? It’s a bad connotation to be sticking them with. Shouldn’t we be trying to elevate these people and make them feel good about themselves? How can we do that when we’re calling it DOWN Syndrome? It’s just flat out disgusting. Personally I find the term very offensive. We’re basically calling them “Lower” which is almost like “Retard” since retard means slow. Slow and low are not what we should be calling people with this issue. Am I right?! -- Felicia from Cooperstown, New York

Dear Felicia:
Those are some good points, but the unfortunate truth is that Down Syndrome is what we call it because it was first officially classified by John Langdon Down. It’s just a tragic misfortune that he was the one who slapped his name on it. If only his name could have been John Langdon Hero or John Langdon Inspiration. Then I think we’d all feel a lot better. It’s just sad that he’s the guy who gets his name on the disorder because he was pretty much a politically incorrect jerk. He wrote a paper called "Observations on the Ethnic Classification of Idiots" and was responsible for the term “Mongaloid.” So if you have a problem with it being called Down Syndrome then you have to blame that guy.


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Dumbass Sayings: “You’re a Doll”

Sometimes when you help an elderly woman get a box off a high shelf at the grocery store, assist her in crossing the street, or help her achieve orgasm she says “You’re such a doll!” Oh I’m a doll? Sorry if I don’t take that as a compliment. You know why I don’t? Dolls have no genitalia. Dolls are lifeless, creepy, plastic human likenesses that are usually complete eunuchs. Call me crazy, but that’s not the type of thing I want to be compared to. I’m not a doll, I’m a person. Either you’re comparing me to a plastic baby that shits fake apple sauce or a tiny miniature genitaless person, or you’re comparing me to a puppet of some sort. I resent all of those things, madam. Even if you were comparing me to a high end Japanese sex doll, the kind made of realistic skin that sell for upwards of $30,000 that come with a bluetooth vagina. That’s still not very flattering. Why are we calling people dolls? Because a doll is cute? They’re not really cute. A puppy is cuter and when the hell would it ever be acceptable to call someone a puppy? It just doesn’t make sense.

Yeah, that's me. Just a rosy cheeked crooked eyed freak with no nipples.

11.28.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is Magic Real?”

Do magicians dress up like
Russell Brand or is it the other
way around?
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve been giving this some thought for the past few years. If magic was real why would magicians waste their time doing tricks to entertain people? If you really knew how to harness the power of magic why would you use it to figure out which playing card someone chose that you didn’t see? Wouldn’t you be doing more interesting things with that power? Magic tricks are kind of boring, but the concept behind them is pretty remarkable. I don’t even think they should be robbing banks or cheating at casinos, I’m talking about other things. Like if you could saw a woman in half and put them back together why wouldn’t you be a surgeon to save lives or something? If you could transport people why wouldn’t you transport sick children to help get medical care? Or help make a newly dead person’s fresh organs vanish then reappear in an ill person’s body? It just doesn’t make sense to me. -- Tasha from Sarasota, Florida

Dear Tasha:
You’ve got some good points there. Either magic is fake or magicians are some of the worst people on Earth for not using their powers for good. That’s pretty much a lose/lose situation for an illusionist. In many ways magic is like professional wrestling.There are a lot of people who still take is seriously, but most people know by now that it’s just a show which is why the business is slowly dying.


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The Top 5 Worst Times To Think of a Funny Joke

Laughing can lead to very
uncomfortable situations.
Sometimes you’re just standing around minding your own business when all of a sudden a funny joke or thought pops into your head and you start laughing hysterically. To people who see you do this you appear insane and that’s fine. However, sometimes you do this at an inopportune time when other things are happening around you and it makes you look like an asshole or a monster or a monster asshole. Here are the top 5 worst times to think of a funny joke:


5. While a hobo is begging for money
Sometimes you’re on a bus or a train when a hobo is making their rounds making his or her sales pitch for donations. They’re telling a really sad story while everyone tries to avoid making eye contact with them or their baby. This is a pretty bad time to think about a silly joke or situation that makes you start laughing. It’s even bad just to smirk a little because you still look like a huge dickwad.


4. When someone is telling you about their plan to commit suicide
When a co-worker has you cornered and starts telling you their elaborate plan to commit suicide you definitely don’t want to space out and think about a llama eating corn on the cob or something like that. You should be attentive and tell them not to do it. Laughing will only make them feel much more depressed.


3. When you meet a handicapped person
Sometimes you meet a handicapped person and suddenly a funny joke pops into your head that has nothing to do with handicapped people. Maybe their wheelchair just made you think about a jogger which made you remember your grandpa who loved jogging and the time he shit his pants at Thanksgiving. Now you’re laughing heartily, seemingly at this handicapable person and everyone at the party thinks you’re a world class piece of shit.


2. During a funeral
Some people who lived happy lighthearted lives have families that don’t really mind if you laugh at a funeral. These are the people who try to think of it more like a celebration of the person’s life. But if by some chance you’re at the funeral of a person who has a very serious family and you’re bored during the eulogy and you start thinking of a clown masturbating with a dildo, that’s a bad situation to be in.


And the number one worst possible times to think of a funny joke is…



1. While standing at a urinal
Thinking of a silly joke while you’re standing at a urinal peeing seems innocent enough. Unfortunately, if there’s a guy standing next to you and he sees you laughing there’s a chance he might think you’re laughing at his penis. This is rare, but you really never want to be in that situation. Some people can get really offended at things like that, to the point of trying to kill you.

Urination is neither a team effort or a laughing matter.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Are Some Creative Things I Can Do With Thanksgiving Leftovers?”

As long as you didn't make
Tofurky I think hobos will
gladly accept your leftovers.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Thanksgiving was great but I have sooooooooooooooooooooooo
OooOooOOOoooooOoOoOoOoOoo
OooooOOoOoOoooooOOOooOOO
ooooooooOoOoooooooooooo
aaaahhohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh much food leftover. I have tons of turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie leftover. What are some fun things I can do with them? Do you know of any cool or interesting recipes I can make with a bunch of Thanksgiving leftovers? Thanks for taking my question! -- Greg from Montpelier, Vermont

Dear Greg:
Did you just have a stroke there for a second? Look, I’m not a big culinary expert so I don’t have any recipe ideas for what you can do with your leftovers. But I do know what you can do with them. How about donate them to a hobo? Why not? Take the leftovers, heat them up, put them in a container and then pick a deserving hobo and hand them the food. To me that’d be a great way to use them. The thing about Thanksgiving is most hobos can find a good meal thanks to volunteers, but there’s still the whole rest of the year they have to deal with. Hobos never have Thanksgiving leftovers. The term “leftovers” doesn’t even exist to a hobo. If you’re fortunate enough to have leftovers you should take that chance to think about the true meaning of Thanksgiving and that should be helping the hobos of the world.


Write your question and send it to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

11.27.2014

The Top 5 Things To Avoid Doing During Thanksgiving Flag Football

There's nothing like family
football on Thanksgiving.
A popular Thanksgiving for many families in America is the traditional family football game. Some families organize an actual game, others just toss the pigskin around, but because it is the game of football sometimes things get a little out of control. It’s important to remember you’re playing with family and Thanksgiving is all about enjoying family, not destroying it. Here are the top 5 things to avoid doing during your family’s flag football game:


5. Horse collar tackles and chop blocks
You really want to avoid any maneuvers that are illegal in the NFL. Pulling someone down by their collarbone can be very dangerous and cause a fracture. And taking out your uncle’s knees are a particularly bad idea especially considering he just had surgery on them last month.

I don't care how good your mom's new boyfriend is, don't break the rules.



4. Excessive celebration
It’s fine to celebrate after you’ve scored a Thanksgiving touchdown, but don’t get too carried away. When the time comes to eat dinner and watch Charlie Brown don’t keep talking trash to your nephew. It will make things very awkward.

Yeah I get it, you scored. No need for a choreographed dance.



3. Helmet to helmet hits
This is a big one. With all the controversy in the NFL around head trauma and concussions, it’s even more important to avoid helmet to helmet hits or tackling with the crown of the skull to another person’s head. For one, you’re probably not even wearing football helmets so any severe hit could lead to serious brain damage, possibly death. Holding a candlelight vigil at an emergency room is not exactly the way your family wanted to spend turkey day.

No Thanksgiving should involve an intracerebral heamorrage.



2. Spearing grandma straight to hell
If you’re a big football enthusiast you might totally get into the zone when you’re playing football and when that happens anything goes. You don’t see anything else but the other team’s ballcarrier and you want to just annihilate them. The problem is sometimes your grandma decides to throw a pass or two or take a carry inside the tackles and that’s when you go into beast mode and lay the hammer down, crashing into her sternum and driving her entire frail body into the ground so hard it quakes. Then when your performance enhancing drugs start wearing off and everyone’s screaming makes you snap out of it you see what you’ve done.

Grandma knows better than to rush up the middle.



And the number one thing to avoid doing at your family’s Thanksgiving game is...



1. Making out with a cheerleader
It’s everyone’s football dream to score the winning touchdown then start making out with a cheerleader. The problem is, on Thanksgiving the cheerleader is likely going to be one of your cousins. Depending on what state you live in, this may be more or less acceptable, but really if you share that much DNA it’s best to avoid all that.

If your cousin looks like that and you're in Arkansas, maybe.

Dumbass Sayings: “Butterface”

Sometimes you hear people talking about their wife saying she’s a “Butterface.” This is supposed to mean that everything about her is great “but her face.” What kind of sexist horse crap is this? This phrase must really bother some women. Mostly because there's no male version of it. You can’t say “Butthisface,” that doesn’t roll off the tongue. That’s just another way men have an unfair advantage I suppose. But this phrase is messed up for more than just that reason. The thing is, no one’s a true butterface. Who have you ever met whose ONLY flaw was their facial configuration? Even if you think someone’s only flaw is their face there’s a good chance they also have crooked toes, strange looking ears (not part of a face), and/or a horrible personality. Calling someone a “butterface” generally doesn’t take those things into account. Basically “butterface” is people’s way of saying “an ugly woman with a nice body” and that’s just very shallow.  If we’re going to be picking out people’s flaws let’s go all the way with it. Don’t just stop at the face. I want to hear more people called “butterface-moles-odor-political beliefs-toenails-bipolar disorder, etc.” I’m sure that would get too exhausting. Maybe we should just realize no one’s perfect and stop defining people by their haunting facial disfigurements.

The man on the left is thinking "Am I drunk enough to sleep with big tittied John Malkovich?" And the answer is yes.

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Accidentally Farted With My Refrigerator Door Open?”

If you're cooking turkey
lookin' like you're in WWI
that's not a good sign.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
So I was staring into my refrigerator last week double checking that I had everything to cook Thanksgiving dinner. I guess my mind slipped and I farted while the door was open. It was a really stinky one, like top ten lifetime worst farts. I decided to close the refrigerator door and run away so the fart wouldn’t contaminate the turkey. Now that I’m thawing the turkey I can smell farts!. The fart smell actually got inside the turkey meat! What can I do?! HELP ME! -- Iris from Buffalo, New York

Dear Iris:
You’ve infused the turkey with the sulfur from your farts. I’ve never heard of that happening, but I suppose you must have farted with your ass pointing into the fridge and then when you closed the door it created a vacuum seal where the fart lingered and seeped into the food. I’m really not sure there’s anything you can do unfortunately. I’m sorry. I hope your family likes fart turkey. Just make up for it with a bangin’ gravy and I’m sure they won’t even notice. And yeah for future notice, don’t ever fart in a refrigerator. It’s like turning it into a gas chamber.


Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and try to have a happy Thanksgiving!

11.26.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does Gasoline Smell Like Dizzy?”

Dame MENOS gasolina.
Dear McFartnuggets: Why does gasoline smell like dizzy for me? -- Leon from Cleveland, Ohio

Dear Leon:
That would be because gasoline contains aliphatic hydrocarbons which are aromatic compounds that affect the brain like alcohol. The main compound causing the gasoline to smell “dizzy” to you is Benzene. Unfortunately there are a lot of other very negative side effects that go along with smelling gasoline. Benzene is a known carcinogen. It causes drowsiness and dizziness which might be fun, but also vomiting, tremors, and rapid heart rate. Over time you may develop Anemia and shrunken ovaries. That second part is probably less of a danger for you, Leon, but studies are suggesting benzene negatively affects all reproductive organs. Also, a lot of gasoline contains tetraethyl lead to reduce the risk of premature ignition. If you’re breathing in leaded gas, the lead will get into your system and could give you lead poisoning. It’s very dangerous to huff gasoline so you should avoid it at all costs. It’s much safer to get shithammered on hard liquor.


Write your questions in to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and have a great Thanksgiving!

Dumbass Sayings: “Pot Calling The Kettle Black”

Sometimes people will see you commenting on how big a woman’s boobs are and say “Well if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black!” as they gesture to your poofy man breasts. What kind of saying is this? When most people hear “pot” they think marijuana, but that’s not what they’re talking about. However, the person who invented this saying must have been smoking something because it’s absolutely ridiculous. First of all, pots don’t talk. They’re ceramic wares, they have no vocal cords or even the sentience to form a thought. Okay, so most of us know that, but the bigger flaw of this saying is that not all pots are black. Not all kettles are black either. If these were objects synonymous with the color black then I could maybe see how this saying works, but it’s just not so. If you said this saying to someone who had never heard it before they’d have absolutely no idea what the hell you were talking about. There are other objects far better associated with colors than pots and kettles that would work better in this saying for example: milk calling paper white or smurfs calling my balls blue. An even better example would be “Michael Jackson calling someone white.” Now that’s something anyone can understand. If Michael Jackson was still alive and mocked someone for being caucasian or pale then everyone would see the hypocrisy in that. But a pot calling a kettle black? That’s just absurd.

Pots and kettles had beef back in the day. Pots just couldn't keep from talking shit, but since then they've squashed it.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Get Herpes Just From Making Out?”

Don't let Herpes leave
you red-faced.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I know there are a lot of ignorant myths about Herpes out there. Someone told me you can get Oral Herpes just from making out with someone. Is this true or is this just one of those lies and urban legends parents tell their kids so they won’t be slutwhores? -- Natasha from Frankfort, Kentucky

Dear Natasha:
No that is true. Of course it’s true. How else do you think Herpes spreads? That’s basically the main way it happens. I think you’re confusing people being afraid of sharing drinks and foods with people who have HIV. Herpes on the other hand is something that can be spread from sharing foods and drinks and kissing. You can also get Ebola from simply making out with someone. Actually most diseases can be spread from making out. It’s mostly just HIV that you can’t get from saliva. Still, if the person has cuts in their mouth or tongue that’s still a risk. And in case you’re wondering you should never let someone with oral herpes give you a rim job either. That would leave you with anal herpes. It sounds like another myth, but it’s a very real issue that doesn’t get enough coverage. There is no awareness ribbon for anal herpes. No one wants to talk about it, but it’s out there folks!


I’m still taking questions, just submit them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and write “Dear McFartnuggets” in the subject heading.

11.25.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Aren’t There Any Thanksgiving Songs?”

People are too busy in
a turkey & whiskey coma
to be writing songs.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey how come there aren’t any Thanksgiving songs? I’m hosting Thanksgiving at my house this year and I wanted to play some damn Thanksgiving songs to help build the ambiance and I can’t find a single song about turkeys, foliage, or none of that shit! What the hell is up with that? Katy Perry can write a song about cupcakes on her tits but she can’t write a song about pilgrims and Native Americans getting together to eat succotash?! Even Halloween has “The Monster Mash” for god sake! Where the hell are all the damn Thanksgiving songs?! And don’t tell me “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.” That was just a theme and there were no lyrics so get that weak shit outta here! There are all types of songs about figurative “stuffing” why can’t there be a single one about Stove Top?! -- Monica from Bangor, Maine

Dear Monica:
Okay… You’re right there aren’t many songs explicitly about Thanksgiving. I think you can attribute that to the idea that Native Americans and Pilgrims weren’t very musical people. Maybe if they sang more there would have been more songs written about it at the time which would have been passed down like you see with Christmas. Unfortunately in the next couple hundred years everyone was too busy with the extermination of Native Americans so singing wasn’t really top on the menu. As for why more songs aren’t written about Thanksgiving these days, it’s mainly a holiday about food and you just don’t see too many songs about food. Thanksgiving isn’t really a holiday that needs music. The real music is the sound of your drunk relatives screaming about Obamacare and the “Mexican invasion.”


Write all your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Pics or it Didn’t Happen”

Apparently cameras are the
only thing that assures us
reality has occurred.
When modern people want to express their incredulity of an event or claim they generally request photographic images of it by saying “Pics or it didn’t happen!” The problem with this is sometimes even though you don’t believe someone, seeing photos won’t always help. Not only can photos be doctored and falsified, but in many instances they’re very disturbing. Here are the top 5 worst times to say “Pics or it didn’t happen!”:


5. A friend’s grandmother died
If someone tells you their grandma died, even if you don’t believe them you don’t say “Pics or it didn’t happen!” Not many people have photos of their grandmother’s fresh corpse in their phone. Even if they do it’s just a bummer to take a look.


4. The Trayvon Martin case
The Trayvon Martin killing was a highly controversial event in 2012. Mostly everyone was convinced of George Zimmerman’s guilt so it wasn’t a good idea to say “Pics or it didn’t happen!” to them. Even though it’s totally normal to want photographic evidence of a murder in order to convict, there appeared to be sufficient supplemental evidence to prove what happened.


3. Someone at work had a miscarriage
When someone at work was out for a few days and rumors were spreading that they had a miscarriage or an abortion, you don’t say “Pics or it didn’t happen!” You might not believe it, but really come on. No one posts those pics on Facebook and even if they do, what’s the proper response? Do you ‘like’ it? You don’t want to get into all that. Even though you mean it as a non-literal like and more of a thumbs up of support, it’ll be seen as a literal like.


2. Sex change surgery
When you go to Thanksgiving dinner and find out your cousin had sex change surgery you definitely don’t say “Pics or it didn’t happen.” That’s one of those things you just take their word for. Either that or you go into the garage and take a look for yourself in person. There’s no need for pics is what I’m saying.


And the number one worst time to say “Pics or it didn’t happen” is.


1. The Michael Brown shooting in Ferguson, Missouri
This is a really hot story right now, literally, they’re burning Missouri in riots over this. Now the biggest deal with this case is that there is basically no credible eyewitness evidence, pictures, or video of what happened. It is this fact that has led to the officer who killed Michael Brown to be let off the hook. In essence, the courts said “Pics or it didn’t happen” and that’s not an acceptable answer for a lot of people.

Try telling someone in Ferguson, Missouri "Pics or it didn't happen!"

Absolutely Ridiculous Mexican Diaper Commercial


Here’s an old commercial about paƱales, that’s Spanish for diapers. Porque sometimes un bebe will have to defecar mierda en its pantalones y when that happens you better have some sort of suave material to cubrir its ano.

11.24.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Shouldn’t it Be Called African American Friday?”

Just call it Day of Death.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Every Friday after Thanksgiving is called “Black Friday” but isn’t that a little politically incorrect? Shouldn’t people call it “African American Friday”? And why the hell are we even naming this day after African American people anyway? Sure I see a lot of African American people out shopping on Black Friday but I also see a lot of White and Hispanic people too. If we’re going to name this day after a type of people shouldn’t it be Jew Friday? -- Neil from Columbia, Maryland

Dear Neil:
Wow that was uncalled for. And to your question it shouldn’t be called “African American Friday” because the Black in Black Friday is not a reference to an ethnicity. Even if it was, Black is currently an acceptable term to denote people of African-American persuasion. The word “black” generally refers to the fact that businesses make enough money on that day to go from the red (negative profit) to black. It’s also for all the black eyes you get from fighting random strangers for discounted plasma TVs.


Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top Five Keywords That Really Stick Out in a Cover Letter or Resume

Surprise is usually the best
way to be noticed.
When you’re writing a cover letter or resume it’s important to stand out from all the other applicants. However, you need to stand out for the right reasons. Too many people get caught up on just standing out and that leads them to making horrible mistakes in their job applications. That said, here are the top five keywords that are sure to stick out in a cover letter or resume:


5. "Dangerous"
You never want to use the word “dangerous” to describe yourself in a cover letter, but it does definitely stick out. If you can, try to use the word in a positive context. Maybe if you’re applying to be a zookeeper you can mention how you’ve dealt with many dangerous animals. Aside from that I would avoid this word.


4. "Jizz"
Imagine you’re combing through job applicants and all of a sudden you see jizz on someone’s cover letter. No I don’t mean literally, I mean the word. That would be almost as noticeable as literal jizz. Of course, that doesn’t mean you’ll get the job, unless you’re applying for a job on a porn set or something.


3. "Alcoholic"
Seeing “alcoholic” on someone’s cover letter really jumps off the page. You should really only use this word if it’s being used to talk about how you’ve helped alcoholics. You never want to admit you have a drinking problem right in your job application. It’s good to be honest, but not that honest.


2. "Assmaster"
“Assmaster” is truly one of the most noticeable words you can put in a cover letter. It really grabs the eye. The problem is, it grabs the eye because it’s sort of an unconventional word that many people can’t define. Obviously it’s pretty straightforward, it’s a master of asses. That’s not really something you want to brag about in a cover letter.


And the number one most eye-catching term to put in a cover letter is…


1. "Bad bitch"
If you listen to hip hop at all these days you know that everyone wants a “bad bitch.” What is a bad bitch? A bad bitch is basically a ho who know what she want and how she gone git it. Now in the context of most job applications, that should be acceptable, but people are still sensitive about this word “bitch.” Sadly it’s still seen as derogatory in most professional spaces rather than a term of empowerment. So even if you is a bad bitch, that’s really something you’re going to want to show them at the job interview without explicitly stating it in a cover letter or resume.


As you can see, merely standing out is always a good thing. I wouldn’t recommend using these keywords unless you’re applying to be a flirtatious bartender in a rough part of town next to a Sperm bank.