Dumbass Sayings: "Foodie"

Only a "Foodie" could
appreciate this stuff!

A woman told me she was a "foodie" the other day. I asked her what that meant and she said it meant she was very enthusiastic about food. I don't think that should be a thing. Enjoying food doesn't make you a part of an exclusive club. I really enjoy breathing air, but do I go around calling myself an "oxygenie"? No. You know why I don't do that? Because it would sound ridiculous and people would think I was a goddamn lunatic. Yet when we're talking about food for some reason that's acceptable.

You might think there's a difference between food and air, but we need both to survive and there are just as many types of air as there are foods. As far as I'm concerned you just haven't lived until you've breathed the air from Mount Mashakalaka off the coast of the Pinoy Islands. Some people consider me a bit of an air snob, but I love it. I upload tons of air pics on Instagram. Most people assume they're just boring travel photos, but those are the uncultured fools who don't have as advanced of a breeze palate as I do.

Do Presidents Really Age Faster in the White House?

It's been a widely held belief that becoming President of the United States will age you faster than normal because of all the stress. People take before and after photos and the changes are startling, but is it really the pressure of the office that makes these people age faster or is it just the fact that they're middle aged when aging becomes far more drastic than in other stages of life and eight years is never kind to anyone?

I used to think the stress myth was true, but then I saw a picture of Al Gore recently. He looks just as bad if not worse than Bill Clinton at this point and he infamously never became President. Hillary Clinton also looks to be in pretty bad shape lately. With every passing year she starts to look more and more like Benjamin Franklin. Meanwhile George W. Bush held the office for two terms and doesn't look all that old. I don't think the stress ever got to him, most likely because he chose not to give a shit, but it wasn't simply being President that made him greyer.

Perhaps it's the effort a President puts into the job that makes him age more. That would explain why Obama went in looking like Tiger Woods and looks more like Frederick Douglass now. The bottom line is you take a picture of someone today and compare it to eight years from now it'll look drastically different no matter what. Just think about if a baby was elected President. You'd look at its picture eight years later and think "Jesus... Being President really does change people!"

How To Be A Male Plus Size Model

As plus size models are being more accepted, people are noticing that none of the plus sized models are men. Many people view this as gender discrimination and I agree. This is the peak of inequality in America because it's something people turn a blind eye to. At least there are people caring about women in the military or being CEO's of Fortune 500 companies, but who's caring about the lack of fat dudes modeling clothing? As a man who thinks this would be a great job, I have to sit back and watch as these female plus size models monopolize the plus size modeling market.

How does a man become a plus size model? The first thing that needs to happen is that the civilized world needs to start viewing a slob with an enormous gut as pretty. Before you say that's impossible, just think about how there are anorexic skeletons modeling clothes out there. Who thinks an anorexic woman is attractive? Whoever controls the decisions of what is seen as hot in the fashion world needs to be persuaded that a lazy fat bastard is the next big thing. Then and only then will you see me on the runway in a Barcalounger modeling the newest designer wifebeater, cargo shorts, and one flip flop combo.

Old Plastic Being Recycled Into Fuel?

Scientists in Oregon have figured out a way to convert old plastic garbage into crude oil. This means that one day in the near future it may be possible to fuel your car or motorcycle with all the old worn out, painful, crappy personal enjoyment items in your personal enjoyment item drawer. We all know recycling personal enjoyment items is a pain in the ass, but if there is some way that the personal enjoyment items can be used to help the environment and be burned into the air so that there is no longer any semblance of evidence that they ever existed then I'm all for that.

The other thing this means is my grandma may never have to drive to the gas station ever again. Considering the Nazis used to experiment with feces powered engines during World War II, I wonder if that technology could be combined with the plastic-to-oil technology so filthy personal enjoyment items would be essentially be as powerful as rods of plutonium. I'd love to see someone win the Nobel Prize for that shit.

Dumbass Saying: "I'd Like to Thank..."

It's award season and whenever someone's giving an acceptance speech or writing a thesis they have to thank people and often times they'll say "I'd like to thank James" or "I want to thank Quincy, etc." If you'd like and want to thank them so much then why don't you just thank them!? Just say "Thank you, Quincy!" What's so hard about that? Why choose to merely express the wish to thank someone? And why is that an effective and accepted substitute in our culture?

I think the problem is that we don't even listen to what these people are actually saying and because of that the people speaking aren't paying attention either. So if that's the case then honestly it doesn't matter who the hell you're thanking so why don't we just skip this whole thing altogether and cut the Oscars down to five hour runtime? If it's okay for someone to say "I want to thank you" then why isn't it okay to say "I want to say you're welcome"? Yeah that's what I thought...

How To Shave Your Butt Hair Without Accidentally Killing Yourself

There are a lot of online tutorials about how to shave your nutsack hair or your vagina, but nearly no step by step tutorials on how to shave the hair inside your ass. Now shaving your ass hair is a lot like putting a Hot Pocket in a conventional oven, it's not the proper way to do things and it's going to feel very odd, but not everyone has a Brazilian waxing kit at home.

- The first key is to have your cheeks spread as far apart as you can. I like to use duct tape. Coat each cheek individually with tape and then stretch the tape back around to your crotch so the tension keeps the buttcheeks pulled apart.

- Apply hot lather. You have to make sure that lather is HOT and yes it will burn for awhile, but not nearly as much as it will burn if you use cold to lukewarm lather.

- Use short quick strokes going WITH THE GRAIN. I cannot stress this enough. There is literally nothing worse in the world than a bush of ingrown anus hairs, I'm including genocide in this.

- It's also very important to be surehanded. Do not do this if you've just drank too much coffee or if you're a little drunk. I know it's difficult because the only time you ever think to shave your ass is when you're drunk, but you really don't want to mess up and circumcise your own pooper.

- My last tip is to use a decent razor. Do not go cheap on this! Some people think they can run a disposable single blade Bic across their shithole and have that be okay, it's not. You're gonna want to go Shick Quattro on that bitch all the way or you MAY live to regret it. I use an ancient Mayan gardening trowel but that's because I'm a trained expert.

Taco Bell Stopping Controversial Commercial About Vegetables

Taco Bell has decided to pull their latest commercial that says "Bringing vegetables to a party is like punting on 4th and 1". The ad was criticized by the vegetable community for being vegist and discouraging the eating of healthy foods. I don't know why vegetarians would get upset about this. Taco Bell might be against vegetables, but that certainly doesn't mean they're FOR meat either because the last time I checked, they don't serve actual meat. The idea of the commercial was that people who bring vegetables to Super Bowl parties are hated. "Hate" might be severe, but who in their right mind brings vegetables to a football party? That's like bringing heads of lettuce to the dolphin area at SeaWorld.

Actually, the commercial is mistaken, bringing veggies to a football party isn't like punting on 4th and 1, it's like waking into a lion's den assbackwards with a steak hanging out of your rectum. If you don't believe me, stroll into a tailgating party with a bowl of cucumbers. Those cucumbers will be up your ass in five seconds. If you must bring vegetables to a Super Bowl party I would suggest you wait to reveal them until everyone's totally wasted because the only time a real football fan is going to be eating carrot sticks is when they're blackout drunk, laughing hysterically at a commercial about a talking baby. If people want to get mad at Taco Bell for discouraging healthy eating they should have all their commercials banned.
 

Lots of Old Guys Still Making Movies

From the set of "Die Hard 5"

Between Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin, there's going to be more wrinkly skin on the silver screen this winter than Barbara Walters' colonoscopy.

This is a great trend and I hope it continues. In fact, I think action movies should ONLY feature actors over 60. That way if it is true that violent movies influence the behavior of young people then the stupid kids will see that the violence is being done by old men. They'll see old guys shooting stuff and think "I don't want to be old like that!" and drop the gun instead of running around all spry and nimble like a twenty-year-old. If anyone deserves to be violent it's old people who have made it as far as they have.

Young people should have to earn the right to be violent in society. Instead we have teenagers going around killing people because they think they've got nothing to live for. Meanwhile what do you think elderly people have to live for? Probably way less than the average child, but do they go on mass killing sprees? NOPE!

At What Point Does Vomiting Become 'Projectile Vomiting'?

The term "projectile vomiting" is defined as vomiting forcefully. My question is how is that any different than normal everyday vomiting? All vomiting is "projectile" otherwise it wouldn't come out to begin with. Is projectile vomiting just a matter of your head being tilted up so the barf flies outward? Does it have to do with the miles per hour the vomit is expelled?

Even when you're really sick you have at least a half second to tilt your head down. I think the only reason projectile vomiting exists is because people don't want to ruin their shoes. How selfish is that? You'd rather puke your disgusting norovirus strain on another person's face than mess up your fancy high heels. If you're going to go through all the trouble to get drunk and go to the county fair dressed like a woman the least you can do is show a little etiquette, Uncle Geoff!

Does Plucking Out Grey Hairs Make More Grow Back?

There's always been this aging married woman's story about how if you pluck out a grey hair it will make more grow back and it's never been fully disproved because by the time your hair is going grey you're old so of course more hair is going to become grey regardless. Other legends say every time you pluck out a grey hair an angel gets raped by a demon, or at least that's what my grandma told me as she laughed in the mirror ripping all of her hairs out. We put her in a hospital, relax.

The trick is to bypass all of this by simply going Brazilian wax. Forget individually plucking out your grey ball and ass hairs, that gets tedious and quite frankly a little disturbing to neighbors if you're doing it out on the porch in the sun as I used to. When you go with a nice wax job it'll clear all the grey out at once and here's a little tip: ask the wax lady if you can keep the tape they use to rip the hairs out. Bring them home and remove all the hairs from the wax and save them up until you have enough to make an awesome Albert Einstein wig for Halloween. If you don't get it done by Halloween, Thanksgiving is always a good opportunity to wear it too. The family will love it! Trust me.

President Obama Wouldn't Let His Son Play Football

"If I had a son I would have to think long and hard before I let him play football." That's the newest quote from President Obama that's drawing fire. Let's try to understand this though, he's already said if he had a son that his son would look like Trayvon Martin. Trayvon Martin was a tough kid so I don't think football would have been a problem for him. Just let the hypothetical kid play! Obama has been talking about this fake son more than once now, is it a hoax? Who's pretending to be the son on the phone?

The hypocrisy in what the President said has to deal with the fact that he already has daughters which means playing football is not even an option on the table for them, but serving on the front lines of the military is? If women can go into battle for the country in Afghanistan they should be able to do the same in the Super Bowl. The sad thing is that the NFL is more exclusive and important to Americans than the actual armed forces of the military. No way would the NFL let a woman in! This is serious business!

Weird Secret Deodorant Commercial From The 50's

People were pretty excited about deodorants back then because up until that point everyone had been going around smelling like a bucket of kerosene rags soaked in ass juice and no one knew what to do about it.

Flame Retardant Being Taken Out of Gatorade

Brominated vegetable oil (a flame retardant and emulsifier) is being removed from the Gatorade formula thanks to the petition of some vegan girl. Fortunately it's still in Fanta and Mountain Dew. People say that it's unnecessary in Gatorade as an emulsifier because people can just shake the bottle to evenly distribute the flavors that may settle at the top, but you can't do that with Fanta or Mountain Dew! Go ahead and try it! I DARE YOU!

The fact still remains that now drinking Gatorade will no longer prevent you from experiencing spontaneous combustion. Spontaneous combustion is a real thing, especially after too much Taco Bell. I guarantee that the next time you just ate three servings of cheesy bean burritos and hit a random static electrical charge you are going to wish your intestines were swimming in Brominated vegetable oil, but some vegans ruined it all for you. Why would you even check to see if vegetable oil wasn't vegan or not? People are getting way too paranoid these days!

America's National Obsession with Chicken Wings

I overheard a man in the supermarket say to his WIFE "It's Super Bowl so that means wings go in mouth." First of all, the fact that this guy is married and probably has like five kids is a serious problem in and of itself, but why do people love chicken wings so much? I don't pass up chicken wings when they're offered to me (unless it's randomly on the street by a hobo), but I'm not a fanatic like seemingly every other person in America. I don't understand the appeal of eating such a tiny piece of meat on a bone. You'd think chicken nuggets would be more suitable for American party consumption since there's less work involved. It would figure the one area of life where Americans are not lazier than everyone else is when it comes to sucking meat off of chicken bones.

My problem with chicken wings is there's so much waste that comes from it. You can't possibly get every bit of meat off a wing, you add up all the wasted food from a bucket of fifty wings and that's basically an extra full chicken in the trash. Secondly, a single chicken only has two wings, (unless it was born special) so when you eat a serving of twelve wings that's six birds that had to die for that. On the other hand when you kill a single cow that's like ten thousand hamburgers which could feed literally dozens of Americans. You need to instigate a poultry holocaust just to feed a family of four. How many chicken lives are equivalent to a cow's life? That's the real question.

Is It Selfish to Not Get a Flu Shot?

Selfless prick.

With flu season still gripping the American populace with discomfort, there's a lot of pressure to get a flu shot. A lot of people consider the decision to not get a flu shot a selfish act. They think you're endangering everyone because of your crippling fear of needles and you need to suck it up to keep other people from getting sick. So if not getting a flu shot is selfish, that would mean getting a flu shot is selfless. Oh I see, when you rush to the pharmacy to get a flu shot that's just you doing something for the betterment of other people, right?

If getting a flu shot is really the best thing for everyone then someone who ran around inoculating people with flu shots when they weren't paying attention would be a superhero! "Thank you Flu Man!" People would scream while rubbing their arm where he had stabbed them. Turns out you're not allowed to do that because it's "illegal". Sorry I didn't know, it was a mistake! There's no reason to take legal action, Lady on The Park Bench Who Was Screaming And Thought I Had Stabbed Her With Drugs (if you're reading this).

Telling people they're selfish for not getting a flu shot is just plain rude. And the only reason someone who's already had the flu shot would be telling other people to get one is if they were still scared about getting the flu. That doesn't make sense. If you're so worried about still getting the flu after your shot then your confidence in the shot must not be too high in the first place!

Just do what I do and never leave the house without one of those Michael Jackson Contagion masks. Yeah people stare, but if you put a hat on, wear a toy soldier type jacket, and have a sparkly glove, people will really think you're the King of Pop so that's a thrill. If you're worried, get a flu shot. If you want to guilt others into getting the shot afterward just remember, it's best to keep your mouth closed because that's how the germs get in.

ADHD Has Risen 24% in 10 Years

A new study shows that the reported cases of ADHD has risen 24% in the past decade. Meanwhile all people can talk about is women in the military being allowed on the front lines of combat. Opponents to this say it's absurd and wrong, but they seem to be forgetting one thing: lesbians. Your average lesbian is as powerful or more powerful than an adult grizzly bear and if you don't believe me, try getting into a fistfight with one the next time you're out having a few drinks at The Hairy Snatch. I didn't know it was a lesbian bar I thought it was sort of geared toward hippies/Middle Eastern folks I don't like to judge people. I just go to bars to have a good time because everyone knows getting intoxicated in public is the answer to any given problem you might be facing and no I don't drive home drunk okay I ride a pogo stick there. It gets a little difficult after too many drinks, one time I went off a bridge into a ditch by accident. Everyone who saw it thought it was hilarious and I'm sure it would have been to me too if I didn't have a bunch of broken ribs with my lungs filling up with blood. Anyways, what was I talking about?

Putting Kittens in a Muffin Basket

Have you ever seen a puppy so cute you wanted to wrap it up in a bundle then put it in a muffin basket and drown it? A lot of people report having these types of responses to cute animals and even human babies, it's totally normal. The question is why? What evolutionary purpose does squeezing cute things serve? Is it a defect in our brains? People like squeezing things that are cute and sometimes in our minds we take that too far, that's where the muffin basket and tub of water come into play.

The good thing is most people don't act on these feelings, but we entertain them because that's the human imagination taking an idea too far. Squeezing something that's cute helps to protect it and keep it warm. Of course drowning it doesn't, but for some reason drowning things is sort of fun. That's why when you were a kid you used to try to drown your cousins in the pool all the time and stab them with needles, it's just a sick part of being human I guess. I mean no one would think putting a penis in someone's butt is a sane thing to do, and yet that's a successful Friday night for most people. Some things just feel good and can't be rationalized in a moral context.

Schools Closing Because Weather is Too Cold

A lot of schools in the Detroit area and other American towns have been closing their doors for days at a time this winter. They're not closing because of giant tornadoes or blizzards, they're simply closing because it's COLD. Sub zero temperatures are now leading to school closings all around the nation, leaving many parents wondering if the criteria to decide when schools should be closed is correct. In an era where American school children are falling behind the rest of the world in education like never before, the last thing the nation needs is more unnecessary days off school.

What if the Inuit people closed schools every time it was really cold out? Their kids would never learn anything besides how to make igloos and tie up their mukluks. Now if it was minus twenty degrees in Miami, Florida I would understand people closing down schools, but you're in Michigan! Back in my day it could be negative fifty below zero CELCIUS and we still went to school and that wasn't even taking into account wind chill! "Wind chill" wasn't even a thing back then because it's a pansy term meteorologists invented to tell you what the temperature outside "feels like". I'll tell you what it felt like! It felt like crap! But we trudged on anyway and we read our books with stone hard nipples that could carve prehistoric cave art into a war ship's iron hull.

This is the problem with kids today, there's no discipline at all. They run around thinking "When normal water turns into clear rock water, learning is cancelled!" I suppose the only bright side to all of this is global warming. Hopefully it kicks in soon because these kids need to start learning and fast. Ironically, global warming, the thing folks claim uneducated people don't believe in, could very well be something that helps the future American generations become more educated. Whatever your views on climate change, I think we can all agree that lost school time is bad and school closings should only occur when absolutely necessary.

Royce White Probably Won't Be An NBA Star

The Houston Rockets' 2012 1st round (16th overall) draft pick Royce White did an interview on Bryant Gumble's "Real Sports" where he mentioned that just hearing the word "plane" makes him nervous. White has an anxiety disorder that he claims prevents him from traveling by air to basketball games. After a lot of negotiation, it looks like White and the Rockets will eventually figure out a way to get him on the court one day, but the question is how successful can he be?

Considering he told everyone that hearing the word "plane" and other talk about flying bothers him, I would say the odds are stacked against him. If I was an NBA player guarding this guy I would just be saying the word "plane" over and over again in his face. More brazen players like Kevin Garnett might paint a vivid picture of a horrid jumbo jet crash with a single comment while Royce is shooting free throws. Maybe other opponents would go around making flying plane gestures running with their arms spread outward and making propeller sounds with their mouths to throw him off his game.

Now either this would work like a charm and he would miss every shot, or White can block it out, meaning his anxieties were overstated and he could have been playing this whole time. The other possibility is that this taunting would eventually condition him to ignore his anxieties and he would be cured of his disorder. I'm sure we're all hoping for that scenario because he's a great talent and could be a premier star in the league. The only question is how high will his star rise before he gets anxious about the altitude.

Review of "Primetime: What Would You Do?"

"What Would You Do?" is a show hosted by news personality John Quinonez where they use actors to set up moral and ethical conundrums for unknowing people being observed by hidden cameras. It's interesting to see how people react to situations like a someone with working legs taking a handicapped parking spot or how people react to a man randomly collapsing in the street, but my problem with the show is that they're getting too crazy with the scenarios now.

The last episode I saw showed situations where an elderly man was being harassed by a pair of ten-year-old girls and a father getting mad at his son for wanting a Barbie doll. Does this shit actually happen? If it does it's incredibly rare. There's really no point in testing people's morality and actions in situations that don't occur outside of a hidden camera show, that defeats the entire purpose. They're literally one step away from seeing how people react to two lesbian clowns being lit on fire by elderly Italian midgets. Sure it'd be interesting to see who helps out, but clearly the people have to know they're on a show so that's affecting their decisions and we're not getting an accurate portrayal of the people caught on camera.

Choosing a Manly Tramp Stamp

Sometimes when you're out drinking too much you might crawl by a tattoo parlor and make giant mistakes that ruin your life for months if not years or eternity if you're in a religion that forbids tattoos. When stumbling drunk into a tattoo parlor with the influence of "friends", the only thing you can do is try to limit the damage by having good tattoo ideas locked and loaded in your head so that even when you're running on pure instinct, poofaced out of your brain you don't screw around and get a footlong glittery vagina spitting fireworks tattooed on your lower back that costs $20,000 to remove.

Depending on who your friends are they will often encourage you to get a "tramp stamp" (a sassy, feminine tattoo on the lower back region) even if you're a man, sometimes especially if you're a man. Because what's funnier than someone ruining their life forever under your direct advisement and encouragement? Before choosing the design, stop and take a moment for testosterone to make its last stand.

Instead of a fanciful rainbow, ask for an angry wizard blowing up a tank with a bazooka. Instead of the word "Fantasy" in Kanji, get a pirate and parrot both laughing with tobacco pipes in their mouths. Instead of a pair of kissy lips with fairies and pixies flying around it, get a fiery scorpion wrapped in barbed wire eating Osama Bin Laden behind an American flag. Instead of a Mexican child's face, get Indiana Jones and Clint Eastwood driving in a monster truck over a lake of burning skeletons. And instead of the word "Juicy" get the word "Dried". If you do this correctly, when you finally become conscious and regain most of your normal brain function you might just be able to add onto it and make it a full back tattoo. Then you'll look back on the time you got a manly tramp stamp as one of the greatest most important nights of your life.

Has a Stingray Ever Killed a Shark?

There have been countless records of people being stung and killed by stingrays, most famously the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, but when have you ever seen a stingray stab anything other than a human? What is the point (if you pardon the pun) of having a goddamn stinger if you barely ever use it against real predators? There are National Geographic videos out there of octopuses making out with lobsters and all sorts of creepy, weird, rare stuff that you would never imagine seeing occur in nature, but not a single video exists of a stingray fatally wounding a shark that was trying to eat it? It seems like the only purpose of a stingray's stinger is actually to kill human beings! What is that all about?

Dumbass Sayings: "Don't Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight"

I'm sure you've heard the saying "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight". The saying itself makes sense, but how the saying got famous doesn't make sense. I think a better replacement for this saying would be “Bring a bazooka to a gun fight" because there’s a lot of shit you SHOULDN'T bring to a gun fight, why single out knives?

Here are some other things you shouldn’t bring to a gun fight: A bowling pin, birds, umbrella, crazy straws, fetus in a jar, blueprints to a new sports arena, pistachios, the "Friends" DVD box set, Fun Dip, homemade porno, a basket of fresh strawberries, your grandmother’s underpants, a personal enjoyment item, etc. Actually bringing a personal enjoyment item might work as long as you also brought a hobo and a gun so you can shoot the guy while he’s distracted by a hobo waving a personal enjoyment item around.

Beyonce Lip Syncing Star Spangled Banner: A Nation in Shock

The hostage crisis in Algeria, Michelle Obama's clothing, and Beyonce lip syncing have likely comprised 90% of all news stories this week, but only one of those is actually important and that's Beyonce lip syncing. It's important to ridicule singers for lip syncing because if they're going to just play a recording then why bother even being there? Just put a little stereo on a stool with a mic set up in front of it and let people stand in the cold watching that crap.

It's important for society to take a stand against this nonsense. Write to your congressman and demand that singers performing the Star Spangled Banner agree in writing to sing the song LIVE or face severe penalties up to and including jail time. The societal penalty for lip syncing has to be more severe than the penalty for singing live and screwing up. We can't have these famous singers thinking they can take the easy way out by playing a recorded track to avoid the negative publicity of sounding bad. That's the whole reason they should be famous in the first place! They should be able to sing the shit well! If they can't then that's a sign that they're a phony and shouldn't be given the honor of singing the national anthem at all.

Dumbass Sayings: "Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth"

The question we all ask is "What is a gift horse?" No one knows for sure. Regardless, why shouldn't you look one in the mouth? Where else are you supposed to look on a horse? The eyes? They're on opposite sides of its head! Would it be better to look the gift horse in it's nostrils? To me that seems like it would be worse. I think the proper saying would be "Don't look a gift horse in the anus" because if you do that then odds are something seriously bad might be able to happen to you. Whenever horses are involved I think the best advice is always to not stand behind them because you can be kicked in the head or shit on. I am hereby revising this ridiculous saying that relates to no one as  "Don't stand behind horses".

What Happens To Unused Semen?

We've all been there, you're having intercourse with a prostitute when the cops break your car window in, open the door, and bring you in for booking. So my question was always, what happens to all the semen that never got used? Some people believe it eats away at your balls and gives you cancer, but frighteningly enough no one really knows what happens to the semen, not even doctors.

The most agreed on theory is that it's broken down inside the body naturally and all the elements that compose the jizz are recycled back into the system. Some doctors even say you urinate it out. My grandma always told me the story of the Semen Fairy who lives in your nutsack and how the Semen Fairy makes the "pain juice" to be used for sinning and if it goes unused then she eats it up and makes you sick as a punishment for getting that far into the sin. I have to say this is still my top theory as well since there is no doctor who can in detail tell me what the body does to semen. There's so much science doesn't know, that's why we still hold onto certain ancient beliefs and the Semen Fairy is one of them.

Banned Folgers Commercial Too HOT For TV

This was one of the first sex themed commercials of the black and white days. Folgers was edgy enough to take that risk and they were severely fined by the FCC for it.

Why is a Manhole Round?

Microsoft famously asks "Why is a manhole round?" in its job interviews and I'm not sure why this is such a puzzling query. What other shape should a manhole be? Square? Everyone knows that looks ridiculous. Holes are just meant to be round, if you don't believe me, bend over in front of the mirror and look at your own anus through your legs. Or look at your nostrils, whichever's easiest for you.... Why is a well circular? That's more of a puzzle to me! Wouldn't it be easier to make that a square? Why aren't chimneys round? Why aren't they star shaped? Who really gives a damn!? And now you know why Microsoft never called me back after my interview. Stupid ass dumb question. Who asks that at a job interview? This is insanity!

Comparing Apples To Oranges

Whenever you try to compare two things that people consider similar they say "That's like comparing apples to oranges!" They say this to get you to stop trying to compare the two things like it's completely pointless, but this saying is stupid bullshit because there are actually a lot of very important differences between apples and oranges:

Oranges are way more acidic and contain WAY MORE Vitamin C than apples. They're softer to eat and are naturally segmented. Apples have a waxy skin with an inedible core and a stem. Apples are associated with education and classrooms for some reason, they are the subject of the saying "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" when really that saying should be about oranges because of the Vitamin C. Apples have nearly no nutritional value compared to oranges. Then again to make up for that you can eat them with peanut butter. You can't eat oranges with peanut butter, it tastes weird.

 Comparing apples to oranges isn't a useless task, it's actually a very interesting argument that's worth taking a look at. For my money I think oranges are the superior fruit. You might have a different opinion, that's why we compare them because maybe enough evidence can be found one day to arrive at a definitive result. That's the purpose of comparing two things...

What the Hell is that AT&T Commercial Kid Talking About?

There's a famous A,T, and T commercial out right now where man in a suit is having brunch with a bunch of tiny children in a kindergarten class asking them if bigger is better. Normally this type of activity warrants a call to the police department, but for some reason it's a perfectly acceptable premise for a commercial these days.

In one of these ads they talk about installing a flat screen television in a treehouse and this one kid goes off on a tangent about how "You would have to hold the wire and in the position that you would have to hold the wire you wouldn't be able to see the TV". What I've been trying to figure out is what the hell that even means. I would venture to guess this child has no experience as a trained electrician and yet he's railing on about wiring issues like he's President Obama's Secretary of Energy. Judging from the other commercials I wouldn't be surprised if A,T, and T was drugging these kids.

If what that boy was saying made sense and I'm wrong about this please let me know. I don't want to be right in this type of situation. I just think it's sickening how these confused children are being exploited by a phone company. You know they're going to look back on this some day and be embarrassed, maybe even haunted by the nonsense they're saying in these ads. Companies should either let adults sell their crap or virtually manipulate children like the E*Trade Baby. Using real kids is just wrong.

Hollywood Making Children's Stories Into Action Films

With "Jack the Giant Slayer", "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" and Adam Sandler's interpretation of "Jack and Jill", the new Hollywood trend seems to be making classic children's books into films. The scary thing about this is it's only a matter of time before movie makers run 100% empty on ideas. They're going to remake every original film ever made, make a movie from every comic book ever made, every video game, and every fairy tale, but soon enough they'll hit a wall. Till then it'll be interesting to see which children's story they choose to adapt next. I can't wait to see "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" or a dark edgy take on "Humpty Dumpty". This might not be a bad thing though because this generation of kids could afford to learn lessons from stories like "The Tortoise and the Hare" and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". Since we know they won't be reading them unless they're packed in a Happy Meal, the only way for them to learn this shit is to put it in IMAX 3D.

Stupid Movie Plot Holes: The Rock (1996)

"The Rock" is a classic action thriller from 1996 starring Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage, and Ed Harris. I'm going to go ahead and assume you've seen the movie because who hasn't! The problem is it's a great movie up until the climax where things stop making sense immediately. Ed Harris tells Connery and Cage that the last missile is in the "lower lighthouse". Nicolas Cage takes the green death balls out of the last rocket when The Candyman shows up and tries to stop him. Cage then ends up shooting the LAST rocket into Candyman's chest. Then for some reason he acts like that's not the last rocket.

He takes the juicy lime death pearls around WITH the guidance chip looking to stash them and takes one ball with him in his shirt pocket presumably just for fun. The last rocket is GONE. There is no way for the VX gas to be shot into San Francisco. The threat at that point is neutralized. Instead he wanders around for a final fight with that Willem Dafoe looking motherfucker. He could have just flared it up at the lighthouse and waited for backup to handle the situation and avoided the air strike on Alcatraz that nearly killed him, but then he wouldn't have been able to put the Grinch testicle in Willem Dafoe's mouth and punch it open which was basically the only reason this movie was made, right?

Emergen-C's Slogan is "Feel The Good"

The Vitamin C supplement known as Emergen-C has a tagline that goes "Feel the good". Who the hell wrote this? Borat? Whatever happened to talking with proper grammar? What the hell is going on with the world today? I mean what good is vitamin C if your brain is made of mouse droppings? I think what they meant to say was either "Feel good" or "Feel the goodness of Emergen-C", but they settled on something in between that sounds like something a Serbian mistress would say as you entered a filthy cathouse. It sounds a little too much like the line from the Adam Sandler movie "Little Nicky" where the son of Satan finally learns how to make people feel the good and gives demons Popeye's chicken. I think we're all getting a little too lax with how we handle speech these days and Emergen-C's silly sales slogan is just a minor yet irritating example of that.

What The Hell Are "Trojan Bearskin Condoms"?

We've all heard the commercials on the radio for Trojan's new "bearskin" condoms and the first question that comes to mind is "Are they using authentic bear skins or synthetic?" Other questions are "If they're using real bear skin are the bears killed in an ethical manner or are they being hunted excessively?", "How many condoms can you make out of a single adult bear?", and "Who was the sick bastard who found out covering your penis in bear fur helped keep a woman from getting pregnant?", "Why bear skin? Why not Llama skin or tiger skin?" I've submitted these questions and more to the Trojan Corporation and am eagerly awaiting their response.

The NFL Commercial Curse

For some reason most of the NFL players who choose to do commercials end up having career downturns afterward. Detroit Lions' 1st round 2003 draft pick Charles Rogers was in a Madden commercial before he disappeared off the face of the planet, Vernon Davis did that "click clack" commercial before he started to suck (however he did recover), LaDainian Tomlinson was never the same after he did those Campbells Chunky soup commercials, Troy Polamalu keeps doing Head and Shoulders commercials despite the fact they've ruined his career, Greg Jennings used to be an all-pro until he started doing Old Spice ads, Peyton Manning is clearly cursed from all his bullcrap, and RG III the Sandwich King looked to be the best QB of the 2012 draft, but that took a turn for the worse, meanwhile the sandwichless Russell Wilson and Andrew Luck have surpassed him.

I don't know if it's exactly Colin Kaepernick in that new Pizza Hut commercial, but it looks an awful lot like him. He's the one that says "That's how you make it great" which is a ridiculous statement. No one puts "Pizza Hut" and "great" in the same sentence unless they're so drunk they don't know where their hands are. Kaepernick and Ray Lewis are the only ones on their teams who have done commercials recently so Super Bowl 47 is shaping up to be a battle between Pizza Hut and Madden. I'm sure the Packers would have made it if they didn't have so many bastards doing commercials. You can talk about schemes and strategies all you want, but State Farm and Gillette were their biggest downfalls in the end.

What is the cause of these curses? Is it bad karma for taking money you don't really need? I think having the money from endorsements lets you relax a little on the field. If you've got a commercial you're already an established star so you won't be as hungry as some dipshit making the league minimum. That's the only logical explanation I can find for these curses. Whatever the cause, no one can argue that the curses are real and football stars should be weary about accepting these deals.

Weirdest Hair Product Ever

If there's one thing women are always saying to me in my car parked under a highway overpass it's "Whatever you do, not in the hair or I'mma shank your ass!" So imagine my utter shock when I saw this old commercial. Times have surely changed!

TSA Getting Rid of Full Body Security Scanners

It's official, now the only way to show your cock and balls to people at the airport is to pull your pants down the old-fashioned way. I'm personally appalled at how the TSA could make this decision without taking into account the needs and desires of secret exhibitionists who looked forward to the full body scanner as a nice release. Look for streaking incidents to rise steadily in the coming months. Thank god there's still the famed security rub down otherwise a trip to the airport might be a completely non-sexual event. Let's just hope they never decide to do away with that otherwise the terrorists will be able to hide bombs under their tits again the way they always used to before the rub downs started.

Row vs. Wade?

With the 40th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade coming up on January 22nd everyone's talking about this famous Supreme Court ruling. But what about the other row vs. wade? I'm not talking about abortion, I'm talking about the best strategy when you've had your boat overturned in the middle of the ocean. Do you take the rescue canoe and row into any direction hoping to come upon land or a ship? Or do you wade there and wait, hoping maybe someone will notice you're missing?

I usually refer to what Tom Hanks did in the movie "Cast Away". He Waded AT FIRST found the rescue raft and let the storm take him to the island, but then after a few years he got sick of living there and made attempts to Row off the island. So the answer is wade, THEN row. It worked out pretty good for Tom Hanks, I mean he survived even though that bitch Helen Hunt moved on without him even when knew in her heart he was still out there. But deal with that when you get to it, what's important is surviving. God damn that bitch... So what will you do when your life is on the line, row or wade?

Tennessee is America's Healthiest State!

As of Friday, January 18th 2013, the only contiguous American state that is not currently under immediate threat of The Deadly Flu Outbreak of 2013 is Tennessee. This is baffling physicians and scientists all over the nation considering Tennessee is surrounded on all sides by flu-ey death. If you hate being sick, move to Tennessee! Just not now, wait until the flu passes otherwise you'll fuck this up for everyone. How did this happen? Is Jack Daniels a proper substitute for a flu shot? The overwhelming evidence points to YES! So get to your local liquor store and start chugging! It usually kills whatever's inside you and if it doesn't at least you won't be conscious for most of the symptoms.

The Strange Connections Between Neil Armstrong and Lance Armstrong

Space legend and American hero Neil Armstrong died on August 25th 2012, the same week bicycle rider Lance Armstrong was stripped of all his bicycle awards. This was a big running gag among people who said "Bad week to be an Armstrong! Watch your ass, Stretch Armstrong!" We all thought that was silly, but then rumors that Neil Armstrong lied about his famous "One small step for man" speech being improvised came out. Shortly after that news, Lance Armstrong admitted that he too had been lying about everything he's ever done besides Cancer, but who can even be sure about that at this point? No one's saying Lance Armstrong amounts to even half a hair on the ass of Neil, but the connections are eerie.

And all this is happening with the Manti Te'o girlfriend hoax going on that is driving everyone berserk despite the fact it's centered around a hypothetical person who never existed. A lot of people think the Te'o hoax is a cover for Manti Te'o being a homosexual. Coincidentally Jodie Foster made a famous speech at the Golden Globes about her being a lesbian. What is the meaning of these seemingly simultaneous revelations? Does this all mean that the Apollo missions were a hoax too? Am I just making shit up? Who knows?

Video Time Capsule: Old Folgers Commercial

The more things change the more you realize they really haven't and life is just a non-stop cyclical loop of pain and relentless hatred.

Should Former Porn Stars Be Allowed To Be Teachers?

Pornography actress "Tiffany Six" is in the news for being fired from her job teaching at a middle school after her students found some of her old acting work online. Now she's fighting the system to come back into class. The first question that needs to be asked is "What kind of name for a pornstar is Tiffany Six"? Shouldn't she be Tiffany Ten or something? Is she trying to be ironic? I don't have time for ironic porn. There's a reason no one watches hipster porn. Their glasses fog up and it looks weird.

In her defense, Tiffany Six has claimed she did porn only for the money. That doesn't count for a whole lot in this argument though because what else was she going to say? She did it because she can't get enough penis? The real issue is that pornstars get paid more than teachers. That is ultimately the problem here and could probably be tied to most issues culture and society face these days. We need to start paying pornstars just as little as teachers. Sex is something you should be doing recreationally for free. Why are people paying you to do this? It's a perversion of love, folks!

Subway's $5 Footlongs Not Really A Foot Long?

The Subway Sandwich Organization is in the news again for criticism that their famed $5 footlongs are not always 12 complete inches long. I don't know why this is being blown out of proportion. Every woman knows it's not length that matters, it's circumference. That being said, Subway fails miserably in that department as well. Of all the complaints you can throw at Subway, why length? What about the fact that they use atom thin slices of deli meats and cheeses that come from god knows where and their bread smells like burnt plastic and feet?

Despite the fact that anyone who measures their sandwich at home is a sociopath, this issue does highlight the incompetence of Subway and should raise awareness about how shitty they are. Why does their avocado look suspiciously like an ill hobo's mucus? Who is this "Mike Lee" character on their commercials that they present to the audience as a celebrity? And when will they write me an official letter of apology for giving me a stomach virus from their undercooked bacon fifteen years ago? Subway has a lot of questions to answer and the length of their footlong is just the start.

New Research Suggests Crabs CAN Feel Pain

While the vast majority of people assume that crabs can't feel pain, scientists have recently completed experiments that prove they do. Of course in order to find this out they had to torture crabs themselves, but I guess if it helps stop future abuse of crabs it's fine, right? Too bad that's never going to happen. Look, I really don't care if crabs can feel pain or not, once you decide to set up shop in my pubes and make my Ground Zero of Lovin' itchy as hell then it's on. I actually hope you do feel pain so you can feel at least a fraction of what you made me feel when I burn you out of my bush with a candle. Of course I'm joking, the study wasn't about my crabs, it was about the seafood crabs which basically means Red Lobster is the shellfish equivalent of World War II concentration camp. Animal lovers get upset about how crabs are chopped open and how lobsters are boiled, but pick your battles. Yes Red Lobster is a house of decapodian death, but cows and pigs can actually smile at you and a dozen just had their throats slit just this second. Wouldn't fighting against THAT be slightly more important than fighting for the civil rights of a crawfish or prawn?

The Death of "Monopoly"

Ever since Rich Uncle Pennybags from the Monopoly game announced he will be sending one of the famous gamepieces to death row, it's been obvious that the Parker Brothers are trying to make one last gasp before board games are officially a relic of a dead age. What Pennybags is doing is very similar to what Arnold Schwarznegger and Sylvester Stallone are doing making weird action movies as one last hoorah before disappearing into the ether of time. It's sad because board games teach kids a lot of great lessons. When you play a board game there's an honor system involved, you have to discipline yourself, and be patient by taking turns. These are all virtues that will be lost on new generations, but who can blame kids today? The whole point of board games was entertainment so picking video games over Monopoly is a no brainer. It's like have to choose between sex with a state-of-the-art robotic artificial vagina apparatus or an old rain boot full of cream cheese. The cheese boot does have its charm and maybe older people will remember when that's all they had and give it a bang every now and then just for nostalgia's sake, but overwhelmingly the choice is the cyborg pussy. I don't know why the boot feels the need to update its laces.

 

Manti Te'o's Dead Imaginary Girlfriend

Notre Dame football star Manti Te'o is receiving criticism because the story about his girlfriend dying of Leukemia was fake and the girlfriend wasn't real in the first place. A lot of people are outraged about this and I'm not sure why. They basically found out that a girl they had previously believed to have died of Leukemia really didn't die. Isn't that a good thing? Would you prefer she was real and died? Honestly I'd take the imaginary story of a girl dying of Leukemia over a real girl dying any day, but hey I'm just a good person who cares about others.

Is it wrong to kill off your imaginary girlfriends? Yeah I guess, I never really kill them off personally. When they start to piss me off I like to send them off on vacation to subconscious areas of my brain where they can all hang out together and have lesbian orgies, whatever I don't know, but who really cares since they're not real anyway? My thoughts and prayers go out to this imaginary girl's imaginary parents and family, but beyond that I can't feel too much sympathy.

The Best Way to Deal with Bullying

Some say this commercial was actually the inspiration for the Special Olympics. If that's true then these people have a lot to be proud of.

How Can Coca-Cola Help Stop Obesity?

The Coca-Cola people are hearing a lot of criticism since they started a new campaign claiming their low calorie drinks are part of the solution to the obesity epidemic in America. Can drinking Coca-Cola really help stop obesity? Not the way it is now, but it could! All we need to do is legalize cocaine and have Coca-Cola reintroduce it into their recipe. When was the last time you saw a morbidly obese cokehead? You don't need to put in lethal amounts, just enough to get someone to stand up every once in awhile and chase a raccoon around their trailer while swinging a shovel a couple dozen times. That's a total body workout that's sure the make the pounds melt away. Sugar gives people energy, but it's not the good kind of energy. It's the kind of energy that can be easily reserved so it goes unused and becomes fat. Cocaine does not become fat. If anything cocaine turns into broken dreams.

Does it Really Matter if Lance Armstrong Cheated?

Everyone knows Lance Armstrong is a cheating sack of shit, but the outrage surrounding this revelation is too much. Cheating to win the Tour de France and lying about it is like cheating to become class treasurer and lying about it. It's unfair and it is unfortunate, but why should anyone care? If you're a die-hard cycling fan then you have permission to be pissed off, but if you are a die-hard fan of cycling there are other more pressing issues you need to tend to like why you're a die-hard fan of cycling. Anyone who can watch a bunch of dudes riding around on bicycles for hours at a time has serious issues.

Cycling isn't a sport, it's an environmentally friendly mode of transportation. If Lance Armstrong was a baseball player then the outrage might be justified, but even a baseball player who used performance enhancing drugs wouldn't be guaranteed seven championships because it's not a simplistic, boring ass sport made up of a bunch of individuals riding bicycles for a really long time. If Armstrong had used Ambien to win a sleeping contest championship would people be making a big deal? If there were such thing as sleeping contests perhaps watching the Tour de France would be considered an illegal performance enhancing drug.

Coffee Spilled on Crotch

Sometimes the best answer in life is to drop a cup of steaming hot coffee all over your clitoris, but most of the time it isn't.

What is The Most Effective Self Defense Method?

I take a women's self-defense course down at the local Y because it's free and they can't legally throw me out. However I came upon a realization today as an old Filipino woman sneezed into my face as we were making love. Kung Fu, Karate, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, it's all NOTHING compared to THE FLU. When you walk around with the flu sneezing all over the place, every orifice in your face dripping with head slime, NO ONE and I mean NO ONE wants to mess with you. Even if you do get a joker who tries to grab your purse all you have to do is spit in their face and depending on how sick you are they will be out of commission maybe even dead if they don't have access to vaccines. So don't waste your time taking silly martial arts classes or learning wrestling from your uncle in his basement when your parents are away on business, just CONTRACT INFLUENZA!

Crime rates all over the world drop during Winter and at least part of that probably has to do with people getting the flu. Having the flu is the closest thing you can get to actually having super powers. You have the ability to projectile vomit disease and spray virus juice everywhere with a simple sneeze. You are basically a walking biohazard and that makes criminals take warning.

No one wants to try and mug someone who is oozing deadly virus soaked bacteria from every facial orifice. Most criminals don't bother getting flu shots because that's something only wholesome people who care about others do, so that means they're even more vulnerable to a biological warfare defense than the average person. They may be criminal scum, but they do know what it's like to have Influenza and no one wants to deal with that. When you're a criminal you need to be out on the streets doing crimes every night. You can't be curled up in bed sipping NyQuil and shivering in your favorite blanket hallucinating and wishing you were dead.

The flu is the penultimate equalizer just second to death itself and because of that, having the flu is just about as good of a self defense method as having a loaded gun. Everything has a silver lining and the silver lining of getting the flu is no one's going to mug you as long as you plan to spit and cough right in their face while it's happening.