Ask McFartnuggets: “Should We Give Our Baby An Original Or Traditional Name?”

If you give your kid a bad name
you're gonna get a lot of looks
like this
Dear McFartnuggets: 
My wife and I are expecting a baby girl in April, but we haven’t settled on a name yet. I say we give her an original name that no one has ever heard before, but my wife thinks it would be better to give her a normal name. Do you have any suggestions?  -- Patrick M. from Sacramento

Dear Patrick:
First off, congratulations on the baby girl! To answer your question, I think it’s crazy and sad that there are so many people in the world yet so many unoriginal names. It’s sad because the only thing stopping people from giving unique names to their kids is their fear of the child being mocked for being different. That’s what it all boils down to. We like to talk about celebrating differences and how kids are the greatest, meanwhile kids are some of the greatest offenders of punishing those who are different. Shame on you, children!

The simple fact is, if you give a kid an original enough name they will make something of themselves. Do you think Shaquille O’Neal would be in the NBA if his name was “Jeff”? Maybe. But being named Shaquille probably helped a little. There are countless other examples. Meanwhile people who do bad things like assassins and terrorists usually have common names. You never hear of an assassin named “LeShauntisha” it’s always something like “John” or “William”.

So yeah I say give your kid an original name. Here are some suggestions: Goober, Wildface, T-Dip, Shockwave, Creme Fraiche, Gibbon, Frazzledee, Crayon, Bluburry Pie, Baconpants, Nutsack, Lozenge, Velocity, Rubella, or Fresh Shower would all be really cool unique names for a girl. And hey, if she doesn’t like it when she grows up she can always change it. Odds are if she grows up with a fun name she’ll have the imagination to change it into something good. Hopefully I gave you some good ideas and good luck with the whole birth process!

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