If you’re going to get bad news it’s not so bad coming from a mime because their faces are so punchable you can release a great deal of anger and frustration right away which can help the healing process accelerate.
|Mimes: Life's human punching bags|
I’m used to getting bad news from beautiful women all the time, such as “You sicken me” and “I’m filing a restraining order”. It’s actually quite comforting after awhile. Everyone prefers bad news from good looking women. It’s no coincidence that 98% of all news on TV is horrible tragedies and there are so many hot chick news anchors.
|Who could get mad at this giraffe necked freak?|
Getting bad news from a child is preferable to an adult because you don’t want to freak a child out by going on rageful rampage or crying extravaganza. You try to keep it together more in front of a young kid. It has to be a child though, if some punk teenager delivers bad news you’ll be fighting the urge to punch them which essentially doubles your problems.
|The only acceptable form of blackface in history.|
Dogs are inherently comforting and soothing to people so if you get really bad news on a written note attached to the collar of a golden retriever or something it’s much easier to take. The dog is there, tongue out, tail wagging, completely oblivious to how your world has just collapsed and you can hug it until you feel better. You cannot do that with a child.
|"Here's a tennis ball! Oh and your wife didn't make it."|
1. Super Old Person
Getting bad news from an extremely elderly person is best because they’ve seen it all. You know they’ve experienced tragedy in their lives, you can’t go nine or ten decades on Earth without living your fair share of horrors. Having someone there who’s been there means a lot. Also you can’t get mad at a super old person so they serve the same purpose as a dog or child except you don’t want to hug them as much. It’s really hard to be angry around a mega aged person knowing they’re close to the end and any outburst by you could cause them a heart failure.
|If you're going to get bad news it's better if it comes from an expert who's been there.|
Hopefully some doctors are reading this and try out some of these bad news delivery methods. Sure some people hate elderly folks, but if that’s the case SCREW THEM! Let their bad news be even worse! That’s what you get for hating old people, sucka.