Five Things You Should NEVER Do When You’re Drunk

Everyone knows when you’re drunk you feel like you can do anything. You feel invincible and capable of even the most impossible feats. That’s probably the main reason getting drunk is such a bad idea. Here are the main five things I’ve found you should never do while you’re drunk (in no particular order):

1. Give yourself a haircut
Cutting your hair while sober is a bad idea, but doing it while you’re drunk is even worse. One minute you’re holding orange safety scissors the next thing you wake up with chunks of your hair missing and glued to your face with dry vomit.

It always seems like a good idea until the morning after when you wake up next to a Tribble made of all your hair.

2. Do that knife trick from “Aliens” where you stab around your fingers
What’s the first thing someone does when they’re drunk and someone hands them a knife? They try to do the stabbing trick from the movie “Aliens” where they strike the knife down around each finger really fast. Well when you’re drunk enough to do that usually you don’t even make the first stab properly and the knife ends up in the middle of your hand.

There's really no payoff for the knife finger game. Best case scenario you don't even look cool, you just look crazy. Worst case scenario you're screaming in an ambulance.

3. Deliver a baby
If you’re drunk and walk by a woman having a baby just keep on going because you’re not going to be much help. Even if you’re able to deliver the child successfully you’ll probably fumble and drop it on the ground and that basically negates any positive impact you would have had.

This doesn't even make sense SOBER.

4. Give someone else a shave
I never understood why a man would ever shave another man when everyone is completely capable of shaving themselves. Well, it makes even less sense when the guy shaving you is drunk. It’s critical that you be completely level headed and coordinated while holding a straight razor that close to someone’s jugular and when you’re seeing three of everything that’s not a good time to be slicing someone’s facial hair off with a death blade.

One bad stroke and you're on trial for manslaughter.

5. Go undercover
When you’re going undercover whether it’s on a prostitution sting or a drug bust it’s imperative that you’re sober. When you get drunk you drop all your inhibitions and undercover work is based entirely on inhibitions. One little screw up or comment could result in not only the failure of the mission, but the deaths of you and your team. Deal with the nerves some other way.

When you're drunk you think a tie mustache is a brilliant disguise and you are viciously murdered.

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