The Top 10 Animals You Should NEVER Pet

Petting animals has been proven to lower blood pressure and reduce stress, but it’s important to know which animals are safe to pet and which are not. Here are the top 10 animals you should keep your damn filthy hands off of:

10. Hyena
Hyenas are really fun and it’s always cool to see an animal who laughs, but odds are they’ll be laughing a lot more when you’re bleeding to death from the wrist.

Even hyenas find poop funny.

9. Sewer Rat
Sewer rats carry a multitude of horrible diseases and the best way to get one or all of those is to run your bare hand across the back of one of these suckers. If by some chance you do pet a sewer rat, wash your hands immediately. Don’t forget and then touch your lips or eyes.

NEVER confuse a gerbil with a sewer rat.

8. Wolf
Wolves might seem just like bigger grey doggies, but they’re also much more vicious and less mindful of human well being.

Aww he's saying "No one wants to pet me because I keep eating them."

7. Snapping Turtle
It might be safe to pet a snapping turtle if you’re very careful, but if you’re drunk at the zoo you could lose your damn hand.

Don't need your fingers anymore? Give this thing a pat on the head.

6. Octopus
Petting an octopus is bad news because it can wrap itself around your arm and bite you with its beak. Then on top of that, it’s all slimy and gross. Why would you want to pet that? Come on.

Who doesn't want to cuddle that?

5. Baboon
Baboons are so humanlike, petting one is basically like petting a stranger except a stranger with the strength of five men. You simply don’t know what to expect. Will the baboon embrace you, or will it smash your skull in and hump your eye sockets? You just don’t know and it’s not worth the risk.

Never pet anything that can comb its own hair.

4. Komodo Dragon
Komodo dragons are like poisonous deadly iguanas on a mixture of steroids and crack. Not exactly something you want to pet and cuddle with.

They're like the Geico gecko if he wasn't such a tiny douchebag.

3. Porcupine
The classic example of an animal you want to pet, the porcupine basically evolved to ensure that no one would ever pet it. If nature was ever trying to send you a message about what’s not okay to pet, this is it.

It's basically made out of syringes.

2. Orca
An Orca or “Killer whale” is not a great animal to pet because of the rubbery texture and because it can easily sever your entire arm at the shoulder or even worse, drag you in its mouth down to the bottom of the ocean where you will drown, right after you pet an octopus.

Mommy the zebra whale is trying to kiss the seal!

1. Tiger
Tigers are the absolute worst animal to pet because it’s so inviting. Lions are scary, they’re the king of the jungle you know not to mess with a lion, but tigers are not the king of the jungle. A tiger is like a big orange kitty like Tigger, Garfield, or Heathcliff so you’re tempted to run up and give it a bug hug. Then it gives your neck a big hug with its giant teeth and uses your bleeding corpse to feed their family.

So fluffy, yet so deadly.

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