Ask McFartnuggets: “Is Chocolate Really As Chemically Addicting as Cocaine?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve read some article that said chocolate is more chemically addicting as cocaine. The thing is I don’t recall ever giving a rim job to a guy I never met before in a dirty nightclub bathroom so he’d give me a free Three Musketeers bar. I’ve never strangled a prostitute because she ate too many of my Reese’s Pieces. My love of Almond Joys has not caused ex-communication from my family after I got hopped up on Hershey Kisses and bit my father’s nose off at an impromptu Thanksgiving day intervention. I did all that for cocaine though, so I’m having a hard time believing that chocolate is as addicting as cocaine. I’m sorry I’m a little offended by this idea. -- Noah from Wichita, Kansas

Dear Noah:
Well if you gave a rim job I don’t think that could be considered free. Anywho, the reports you’re talking about are mostly done with lab rats so they’re not entirely accurate when applied to humans. Chocolate contains sugar and fat which are addictive substances, however as you’ve noted, those effects aren’t quite as strong as those of cocaine. Both cocaine and chocolate come from plants, the difference is that while chocolate contains small amounts of alkaloids like theobromine, phenethylamine and caffeine, cocaine is the pure alkaloid benzoylmethylecgonine. Cocaine gives you a much quicker and intense feeling so it’s easier to get addicted to. It’s like comparing being addicted to skydiving versus being addicted to porn. The former addiction is clearly much more expensive, dangerous, and a lot of people are very enthusiastic about it. The other is technically addictive, but it’s more of a joke. No one takes “Chocoholics” seriously.

Usually when you see someone who looks like a drug addict with chocolate on their mouths it's actually their own shit.

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