Dumbass Sayings: “If You Let Me Go We’ll Just Pretend Like None of This Ever Happened!”

Sometimes when a person kidnaps someone else and traps them in their basement, the woman loves to say “If you let me go we’ll just pretend like this never even happened I swear!” Are you kidding? Yes, actually you are kidding. Sure you might not say anything for a day or two maybe even a month or a year, but eventually you’re going to think “Hey that guy who kidnapped me and let me go never really got punished for that. That incident severely inconvenienced me and I would feel pretty guilty if he did it again to someone else and they didn’t have the wherewithal to broker a personal plea deal contingent on secrecy.” It is at this point when you will most likely file a police report and stop pretending like it never happened. Obviously no kidnapper would take that chance. As much as I-- they would like to let you go, it’s difficult to trust someone to just forget such a traumatic experience. You’re basing your deal on a lie. You know it, I know it. Now if somehow we could write up a contract that says if you ever turn me in then you’re in breach of the contract and all charges are void, then maybe I could accept that proposal. The problem is, I don’t think that’s even possible and that’s a shame. Think of how many kidnappings that type of contract could have preemptively stopped before they escalated into more terrible things. Because a lot of the time a kidnapping is like impulse buying. You see something you want and you just grab it without considering the consequences. There should be a way to abort the mistake or a figurative lifeboat option before you have to go down with your mistake like a sinking ship.

You seriously expect me to believe you won't tell the cops why there's a mask permanently fused to your face?

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