5.30.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come Australian People Can Say The C-Word and Not Get in Trouble?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
The other night I was going out with my friends and we were trying to get into this night club. The bounder there was Australian and he was like “You (C-word), come in here!” I was so offended I just left, I didn’t even want to go in. How dare he call be the C-word! I’ve heard Australians using this word a lot actually. Why are they allowed to get away with this? Where are their manners? I know they’re from the far corner of the world where they might have different rules, but that’s no excuse. You come to America you can’t just throw that word around. Why do people let them do this? Shouldn’t someone say something?-- Mollie from Columbus, Ohio

Dear Mollie:
I believe the guy was saying the word “can’t.” When Australian people say the word “can’t” it might sound a little like “cunt.” I believe that’s the difficulty you’re experiencing. The bouncer was merely saying “You can’t come in here.” It’s just an unfortunate coincidence with our accents. I hope that clears things up a bit.

Whether you think you can or you think you cunt--you're right.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Who Recorded This? Michael J. Fox?”

Whenever you see a video that’s noticeably shaky inevitably someone will yell out “Hey who recorded this? Michael J. Fox?!” then everyone laughs because Michael J. Fox has Parkinson’s Disease. Let me straighten a few things out here. Michael J. Fox is a highly accomplished actor and has two directorial credits. If he was recording a video I’m sure he would have some sort of stabilizing device to make it watchable because he cares about the craft of film making. Also, there are plenty of other people with Parkinson’s so I don’t know why MJF gets called out so often. I suppose it’s a testament to what he’s done for the Parkinson’s community that he’s one of the most recognizable spokespeople for the disease. You never hear people say “Who recorded this? Muhammad Ali?” That would make more sense considering Mr. Ali has less knowledge of cinematography and he’s also significantly shakier.

There are way worse cameramen than Michael J. Fox.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come it’s So Hard to Remember People’s Names?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come it’s so hard for me to remember people’s names when I first meet them? Every single time I meet someone in a group of people they tell me their names, I repeat the name back to myself and then within two seconds it’s gone. Why? It’s so embarrassing to ask someone what their name is again. Why don’t we just repeat our names to people like say “Hi, my name is Brian, Brian, Brian. My name is Brian, Brian Brian, Brian.” If people did that then I don’t think we’d forget as easily so why isn’t that what we do? -- Chocolatisha from Branson, Missouri

Dear Chocolatisha:
There are a couple reasons people don’t remember names right away. First off, most people have really boring normal names. If you go through a group and it’s made up of Jeff, Brian, Rachel, Steve, William, Sarah, and John there’s a good chance you’ll forget all of them. Now if you were in a group of people with names like Ghostovaries, Lobstertits, Shaved Anus, The Great Gazoo, Ummmm, Peckerwaffles, and Chocolatisha you’d probably have a much better chance of remembering the names and subsequently the faces that went with them. There are way too many people on this planet with the same names. That’s a major issue. The second reason it’s hard to remember people’s names is when you meet people there’s no real reason to remember their names. If someone told your their name and then pointed a gun at you and said “If you ever forget my name I’ll blow your goddamn head off!” Odds are your brain would instinctively burn that person’s name into your memory. But if they’re just meeting you without a loaded gun and the stakes are low your mind will subconsciously flush that name down the mental toilet like the worthless piece of shit it is.

The human brain is a very disgusting and flawed mechanism.

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5.29.2015

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “I Will Be Loving You Til We’re 70”

In the Ed Sheeran song “Thinking Out Loud” he says “Darling I will be loving you ‘til we’re 70.” What an odd thing to say considering human life expectancy is well above 70 these days. 70 is basically the new 50. Would people find it as heartwarming if he was saying “Darling I will be loving you until we’re 50”? That would sound ridiculous and suspicious. Well that’s basically what you’re saying when you tell someone you’re going to love them until you’re 70. Saying that to someone would probably raise some red flags. Just what kind of drug fueled hotel hooker orgy are you planning for your 70th birthday exactly?

What kind of sick bastard leaves their wife when they turn 70? I don’t know how you get that far and then decide to get separated. That’s the reason you see so many elderly couples. People think that’s some kind of accomplishment, it’s not as impressive as you think. When you live with a person that long they almost become a part of your own body so divorcing after 70 is like cutting your leg off. That’s why so many old people die shortly after their spouse dies. They die of emotional blood loss. It’s not a choice to stay together at that point. So if you’re making that choice to leave then that’s pretty fucked up. Odds are the woman you’re leaving won’t find love again. Even if she does, there’s a good chance she’s going to spend a lot of time very depressed and on awkward elderly people dates. What kind of monster would do that to someone they’ve been with for decades? This is a sickening song and the lyrics are despicable.

"I'll love you when you're 64, but six more years and I'm gone."

Ask McFartnuggets: “Do You Think There Will Ever Be An Avengers vs Justice League Movie?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Do you think we will ever see an Avengers vs Justice League movie? People say that the egos involved with DC and Marvel are too big to ever agree and settle on a deal to make it happen, but could you imagine how great it would be! It’s the dream matchup everyone wants to see! Avengers vs. Justice League is pretty much the nerd version of Mayweather vs. Pacquiao. That’s why I think it will happen eventually. No one expected to see Mayweather versus Pacquiao, they said the egos were too big there too, but there’s just too much money to be made from this idea. If HBO and Showtime can agree then DC and Marvel have a chance. They may not need to do it now, but in about ten years or so when people are bored of Green Arrow movies and the eleventh X-Men sequel, Marvel and DC will have no choice! -- Sandra from Oakland, California

Dear Sandra:
The only thing is the Marvel and DC movies are about a million times more exciting than a Floyd Mayweather fight so there won’t be as much pressure on Marvel and DC to force themselves into the Mayweather-Pacquiao situation. There’s not that universal hype about Avengers vs Justice League just yet. Maybe in time when all the Avengers movies have come out and the Justice League has formed on the silver screen that might get people talking. It’s still not the same exact type of thing. Marvel and DC are totally sustainable in their own universes and have many of the same type of characters like Hawkeye/Green Arrow, Flash/Quicksilver, etc. There’s really no reason for them to ever have to resort to an Avengers vs Justice League movie. Plus, that would just be a visual clusterfuck of chaos. I would like to see it myself, but I have my doubts.

The fight of the century may have been Mayweather vs. Pacquiao, but the Fight of the Millenium is Avengers vs. Justice League.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass”

Sometimes a person will give you a compliment and then follow that with “I mean it. I’m not just blowing smoke up your ass!” What they probably don’t know is that people used to really blow smoke up people’s asses. Tobacco enemas used to be a way to test to see if someone was actually dead in the late 18th century. If someone was merely unconscious, having smoke blown into their asshole would usually wake them up. If you have a loved one in a coma you might want to give that a shot. So yeah I get that people blow smoke into rectums, but what I don’t understand is how that links to this figure of speech. Now surely you’d never want someone blowing crack smoke into your actual crack, but I fail to see how that communicates the dishonest, manipulative purpose of a false compliment. If smoke up the ass is a false compliment then what’s a real compliment? A dildo up the ass? If that’s the case then that explains why I don’t take compliments very well.

Now just position yourself in front of the tailpipe.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Wrong to Taxidermy Humans?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
My grandmother has told us that she wants the family to have her taxidermied so she can be with us all the time. Some people in town who have heard about this say it’s wrong and they’re trying to keep it from happening. They say it’s illegal but I don’t understand what’s so bad about it. I mean people get embalmed anyways, this is just embalming with stuffing. I love my granny and I do want her around. I don’t want to put her in the dirt, that’s gross. What’s your advice? -- Belinda from Ozark County, Missouri

Dear Belinda:
Normally no one should ever have their grandmother stuffed and mounted in any fashion. Yes people do get embalmed, but that’s a pretty common thing. Turning your grandmother into a Build-a-Bear is a little different. You may want to check with your local sheriff’s office just to be sure of the local legal restrictions on this. Obviously you want to respect your grandmother’s wishes about what should be done with her own body when she’s dead. There are restrictions to this of course. You can’t just do anything someone writes in their will. They could demand to be filled with fireworks and exploded in the local town square, that doesn’t mean you have to do that. Sometimes people don’t always get their wishes even in death. I personally don’t see a problem with it as long as it’s done properly so that there’s no risk of disease or decomposition related illnesses.

Grandmothers are just as majestic as giraffes so I don't see the problem.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Eating Out”

When you repeatedly put your tongue in a below-the-equator orifice for pleasurable purposes they call that “eating someone out.” I think this is a horribly mislabeled term. First of all, who “eats” like that? Maybe if you’re in a pie eating contest that’s acceptable table manners, but in any other situation it’s best to have some utensils and a napkin laid across your lap. Normally when I eat out I like to use a salad fork and pair the meal with some wine. Yet, when you’re “eating out” those behaviors are seen as a bit odd which always leads me to wonder what’s going on? Are we eating out or not? The ideal “eating out” scenario for most people seems to be akin to a dog eating a bowl of kibble. Well if we’re going to be acting like dogs then I think there’s a certain position that would match quite well with dinner. I’m willing to tip.

You can actually get thrown out of most restaurants for eating your food like pussy.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Are We Really Treating Mother Nature That Badly?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I hear people always going on and on about how badly we are treating Mother Nature, but hey wait a minute doesn’t she gets Earth Day PLUS Mother’s Day? How many more holidays do we want to give this bitch? -- Kobbs from Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Dear Kobbs:
Well that might be fine if people actually gave Mother Earth gifts on Mother’s Day, but people are usually too focused on their human mother. What can you even get Mother Nature for Mother’s Day? You can’t get her flowers because she already has plenty. That would be like stopping by your mother’s house and pulling some flowers out of her garden and handing them to her at the front door. It might seem like a nice gesture until she realizes they’re her own geraniums. The only thing you could do for Mother Nature on Mother’s Day is help clean up the planet a little by picked up litter. The problem is you’re supposed to spend the time with your actual mother too and I’m not sure if she would enjoy picking up trash and doing manual labor all Mother’s Day even if it is for her mother too. That’s the other thing, women who had people come out of their vaginas would also have to give a gift to Mother Earth. They may as well just regift their own gift to the planet leaving them with nothing. That’s basically the main reason people tend to ignore Mother Nature on Mother’s Day. It just throws a wrench in the whole operation. That’s what makes Earth Day even more important!


Mother Nature is like military veterans, they have two holidays and should probably have more.

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5.27.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Spinning in His/Her Grave”

Sometimes when you do your new risque dance routine in front of family and friends before you hit the “America’s Got Talent” stage, your mother says “My word! It’s a good thing nana isn’t around to see this! She’s probably spinning in her grave right now!” People mean this to show dissatisfaction of a thing, but it’s such a humorous visual. Picture your maternal grandmother’s skeleton spinning like a drill bit in her coffin and try not to laugh. It’s a very absurd scene. This phrase apparently comes from the original term “Turning over in the grave.” The original idea was that if you’re really upset about something after you’re dead you’ll turn your corpse over in the casket. Then if you’re extremely mad you’ll keep turning yourself over repeatedly and very fast which will result in a spinning type of behavior. I’m not sure if turning over in your grave even makes sense. Why is that a sign of displeasure? Like people are looking down from Heaven and saying “Wow that really pisses me off! Hey, angels, could someone spin my body a few times really quick?” No one can see you doing this, folks! If that’s what’s happening don’t even bother. We’ll just assume it’s happening on your behalf when we perceive things that would be offensive to you if you were alive, which you’re not.

Unless they're talking about knitting, but who buries someone with a spinning wheel?

Ask McFartnuggets: “What if This World is Really Heaven?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
People are always talking about going to Heaven when they die and how great Heaven will be well how are we so certain that this world isn’t Heaven? Huh? Think about it! There’s so much beauty in this world. What if THIS is already Heaven? Couldn’t it be possible? Why can’t people imagine that? -- Johnnie from Toronto, Canada

Dear Johnnie:
That’s a nice thought, but if this is Heaven then I would really hate to see Hell! I don’t really buy into the idea that this world is Heaven. It just doesn’t seem THAT good. I mean how could there be hobos masturbating in Heaven? It doesn’t really make sense. How can there be rape and murder in Heaven? If this is Heaven then we’re currently in the afterlife so what was the last life like? The step under this must have been what we in currently view as Hell which means actual Hell must be something somehow worse than what we originally envisioned Hell to be. So while it might be nice to think this is already Heaven, it opens up an insane amount of potential horror. It’s not as quaint an idea as it first appears to be. Let’s really hope this isn’t Heaven. We die in this life though so… I’m pretty sure it’s not.

If this is heaven then there better be a mega heaven or we're screwed.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Be Fearful of Mediocrity”

The British artist Jonathan Ellery is credited with saying “Be fearful of mediocrity.” Well, if mediocrity is something to fear then that means it deserves a little more credit than you’re giving it. If mediocrity means “pedestrian” or “inferior” then you should have no reason to be fearful of it at all. By fearing mediocrity you’re exhibiting consternation in the face of weakness and isn’t that truly the epitome of weakness? A superior person should be fearless. By fearing things, you yourself become mediocre and if you’re fearing mediocrity itself then your own mediocrity is thus compounded. You would then be fearing yourself and what sense does that make? Fearing things gives them strength. It gives them power over you. If mediocrity was powerful enough to be something to fear then you should probably want to embrace it, accept it, and use it to your advantage. If you’re fearing mediocrity you should welcome it. If you’re scared of something then you should face your fears. Become mediocre and explore the true power of normalcy and pedestrianism!

"Oh no! It's mediocrity! Somebody help me!"

5.26.2015

Arguably The Creepiest Clown Mustard Commercial Ever



This was the commercial that really got people to be suspicious of “hot dog clowns” as they were called. The clowns used the hot dogs and mustard to get closer to children and develop a trusting bond. Many say it was the clowns’ description of “lively” spices noting it was the complete opposite of deadly which seemed a bit odd. They went a little too far with the reverse psychology and it burned them in the end.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is Chocolate Really As Chemically Addicting as Cocaine?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve read some article that said chocolate is more chemically addicting as cocaine. The thing is I don’t recall ever giving a rim job to a guy I never met before in a dirty nightclub bathroom so he’d give me a free Three Musketeers bar. I’ve never strangled a prostitute because she ate too many of my Reese’s Pieces. My love of Almond Joys has not caused ex-communication from my family after I got hopped up on Hershey Kisses and bit my father’s nose off at an impromptu Thanksgiving day intervention. I did all that for cocaine though, so I’m having a hard time believing that chocolate is as addicting as cocaine. I’m sorry I’m a little offended by this idea. -- Noah from Wichita, Kansas

Dear Noah:
Well if you gave a rim job I don’t think that could be considered free. Anywho, the reports you’re talking about are mostly done with lab rats so they’re not entirely accurate when applied to humans. Chocolate contains sugar and fat which are addictive substances, however as you’ve noted, those effects aren’t quite as strong as those of cocaine. Both cocaine and chocolate come from plants, the difference is that while chocolate contains small amounts of alkaloids like theobromine, phenethylamine and caffeine, cocaine is the pure alkaloid benzoylmethylecgonine. Cocaine gives you a much quicker and intense feeling so it’s easier to get addicted to. It’s like comparing being addicted to skydiving versus being addicted to porn. The former addiction is clearly much more expensive, dangerous, and a lot of people are very enthusiastic about it. The other is technically addictive, but it’s more of a joke. No one takes “Chocoholics” seriously.

Usually when you see someone who looks like a drug addict with chocolate on their mouths it's actually their own shit.

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Dumbass Sayings: “No One Puts Bumper Stickers on a Ferrari”

When you tell people you’re planning to get a tattoo sometimes they say “Whoa! You can’t do that to your body! You don’t see people putting bumper stickers on a Ferrari do you? Why would you ruin your perfect body like that?!” Now I can sort of see the comparison here, but the big difference is people don’t get “We Are Proud of Our Honor Student” tattooed on themselves. Tattoos are usually a little more artistic than that and no one is ever THAT proud of their honor student apparently. When done right, tattoos can look really cool. A good tattoo is more like the equivalent of painting a Ferrari to look like the Batmobile. No one does that either, but if they did it would probably look pretty badass. The fact of the matter is, people drive Ferraris and luxury cars to show off. A person’s body is not a luxury item. You’re in your body all the time. If you were in your Lamborghini 24 hours a day you’d eventually stop giving a shit if there were mustard stains on the seats. You’d probably get bored with it and want to paint demon skulls on it after awhile especially if you felt incomplete or dissatisfied with life. A bumper sticker isn’t nearly the same thing as a tattoo. A bumper sticker is more like a temporary tattoo if anything.


I guess when you have a nice enough car you don't need people to know you dislike the president.

5.25.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Pigeons Live in Cities?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why on Earth are there always pigeons in cities? They can live wherever they want! They have wings they can fly! Why would they choose to live in dirty cities where there are tons of dangers around like cars and hungry homeless people? There’s not even any natural food for them. Shouldn’t they be living in small towns where they can eat seeds and berries or something? -- Margarine from Chicago, Illinois

Dear Margarine:
I’m no pigeon expert, but I’d have to say part of the appeal of cities for them is buildings. Pigeons love flying onto rooftops and perching on ledges. You can’t do that on a farm. As a pigeon you’re more likely to run into hawks and other aerial predators outside of major cities. Birds of prey don’t really populate major metropolises. And believe it or not, homeless people don’t really eat pigeons too often. Maybe they should, it’s a pretty abundant food source, but you’re more likely to see homeless people taking care of pigeons like the Pigeon Lady from “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.” Also, pigeons may not know there are better places out there. Yes they can fly over rivers to better places, but they have no idea what’s over there. In their bird brains it’s probably not worth the risk.

Pigeons aren't called rats with wings for nothing.

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Dumbass Sayings: “To Die For”

Sometimes you’ll be making small talk with some fat guy at a deli and he says “You gotta try my grandmother’s veal! My grandmother’s veal is to die for!” I don’t understand this phrase at all. What is the point in that? If you DIE you can’t enjoy what you’re talking about, because you’re dead. Okay let me die for your grandmother’s veal. Great… How does that help me exactly? Am I dying so that she can continue serving the veal? Why is that something I have to do? She’s your grandma! If you want to die for her veal then that’s great, but leave me the hell out of the veal martyrdom game. Almost nothing besides your loved ones are to die for. The ultimate sign of love is that you would die for someone. You would die to give your child more life. So when you say some shit like “These gummi worms are to die for” you’re really diminishing the level of love meant when you say something is to die for.

To a baby cow, your grandma's veal literally is to die for.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Get Put in the Wrong Bodies So Often?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Transgender people say they’re born in the wrong bodies and there are a lot more of them now than there used to be. Why are so many people being born in the wrong bodies these days? They say 5% of the entire world population is transgender. Whoever is responsible for putting the right brains in the right bodies is clearly falling asleep at the switch. Is god the one getting this wrong? I know he must be getting old and he’s got a lot of responsibilities, but come on, man putting the right brain in the right body is basic stuff. These are rookie mistakes. Is there a new God that took over while the real one is on vacation or something and no one told us? -- Barry from Washington D.C.

Dear Barry:
I don’t know, 95% is still a pretty good score. Obviously you’d like it to be at 100%, but life isn’t perfect. Either god is the one putting brains in bodies and god is messing up (which is very unbecoming of an omnipotent deity) OR people just aren’t mentally and emotionally fitting into the gender class they’re assigned by their genitals at birth. I think it’s more of the latter which means it’s less an issue of brains put in the wrong body and more just the person’s brain unable to articulate their dissatisfaction with their lives in more scientific terms. There are some people out there who think they’re actually goats born into human bodies. It’s just that transgender is now becoming a more accepted thing. It’s like homosexuality in that society is becoming more open to accepting it because of how many people are qualifying for that membership. There are probably thousands of little reasons why there are more transgender people these days due to the way people’s brains develop in today’s age along with society. The two both affect each other and ultimately lead to the way a person feels about their role in society as well as what they can label it to feel complete as a person. It’s all a numbers game there doesn’t appear to be anyone explicitly responsible. I doubt there’s a novice replacement God on duty, but I guess anything’s possible. Goat people aren’t accepted quite yet and they may never be. If we were in a culture that really worshipped goats it’s possible that they would be taken more seriously.

Putting brains in the right bodies is probably a lot harder than it seems.

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5.23.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Take Your Own Life”

Sometimes when you show up to work and Horace isn’t there you ask the boss “Hey, where’s Horace?” and they say “Horace took his own life last night.” Okay that’s all well and good, but you don’t need the word “own” in that sentence. You can say someone took their life and everyone knows exactly what you mean. It’s not like you hear “Horace took his life” and you think “Oh shit, but was it his own or someone else's?” That’s what the word “his” is there to clear up. This world is so full of extra fluff and filler that means nothing. It’s in our language and it becomes part of our lives. We fill our lives with pointless nonsense that has no real reason to be there other than to waste time. After long enough when you look inward you realize you’ve been empty this whole time you thought you were complete. When you add that to all the hypocrisy out there in the world, those are probably some of the main reasons Horace took his own life to begin with!

How can you take something from yourself anyway?

Dumbass Sayings: “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night”

The poet Dylan Thomas said “Do not go gentle into that good night” concerning his dying father. I don’t agree with this advice. If you’re with someone old like your father while they’re dying then of course they should go gently. What the hell is this “don’t go gently” crap? Do you want to see someone flailing around, kicking and screaming at the top of their lungs in terror as they die? Do you have the iPhone out held vertically so you can record this and post it to YouTube? What kind of sick bastard does that! No, if it’s a good night you go gently as possible into that mafucka. The key word in this sentence is “good.” If it’s a good night then go with it. If it’s good then that means the night is ready for you and it’s ready to accept you into it and you shouldn’t fight that.  Now if it’s a bad night THEN that’s when you might want to put up some opposition. That’s when you should decide not to go gently into the night. Ultimately you don’t really have a choice either way so it doesn’t matter how you go out, the point is night time is coming and as the poet LeAnn Rimes once said “You can’t fight the moonlight.” I don’t think anyone knew what that meant until they read Dylan Thomas, but now it makes complete sense. You can’t fight the moonlight because eventually the rhythm is going to get you.

Anyone who says "Don't go gentle" just wants a show.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay For Someone in a Motorized Wheelchair to Do a Marathon?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
So my Aunt Helen’s dream has always been to run in a marathon, the only problem is she became paralyzed from the waist down after a car accident last year. She’s in a motorized wheelchair now and still wants to “run” in a marathon. Do you think she should? I want her to, but a lot of people have been opposed to it saying that it’s unfair because she’s got a special engine installed in her wheelchair with nitrous oxide boosters. She gets like 50 miles to a gallon so she can make a 26 mile marathon like nothing. Is this okay? Should we be supporting her through this? -- Debbie from Detroit, Michigan


Dear Debbie:
That’s a tricky situation. I think people in motorized wheelchairs should be allowed to “run” in marathons providing they don’t have too many competitive advantages. Obviously if a woman in a wheelchair wins because she’s going 40 mph then no one’s going to declare her the true winner. That doesn’t hurt anyone so that’s fine. Now if she’s got a wedge plow on the front of her chair to knock people out of the way then that would be bad. There has to be a limit to how many add-ons can be put on the chair. The more add-ons there are the less their accomplishment will mean. As long as the racer knows this then I say go right ahead.

Some of these are very high performance machines.

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Dumbass Sayings: “If I Had to Do it All Over Again, I Wouldn’t Change a Thing”

Sometimes when people are looking back at their life they say “If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a damn thing!” Okay first off, what do you mean if you HAD TO? Would you seriously be forced into the idea of getting an extra bonus life on top of the one you’ve already had? I don’t know, I think I would jump at that chance immediately. If you waste a second hesitating on that then there’s a good chance you would change things because you’re clearly not having that much fun being alive to pass up another go around. Now for the big part of what’s wrong with this saying... You wouldn’t change A THING? People aren’t serious when they say this. It would actually be impossible to not change at least one event in your life. Do you know how difficult it would be to transfer back into your baby body decades ago with your current brain and live out your life EXACTLY THE SAME WAY as the first time? Good luck doing that! At the very least you would place a Super Bowl bet! I’d hope you would spend more time with your grandma before she died unexpectedly. Of course you would change things, you knucklehead. Stop trying to sound so sure of your life’s decisions. You’re clearly overcompensating by saying this and it’s making your self-doubt painfully evident.

You don't regret anything? Not even that night you spent with those pigs?

The Top 3 Benefits To Having Same Sex Parents

With a lot of same-sex marriages happening lately, a huge concern is that the children brought into these families will grow up strange. Well while it may take a little more time to see how all that turns out I can bring up a few specific positives to having same-sex parents. There are very obvious benefits to having two mothers or two fathers and here are the top 3:


3. You only have to celebrate Father’s Day or Mother’s Day.
Whether you want to admit it or not, all these gift giving holidays get pretty annoying. Between Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, your mother's birthday, and your father’s birthday it’s amazing how there’s ever money left to buy drugs. Well, if you’ve got two moms or two dads you can pretty much just strike off one of those holidays on the calendar and let them share a gift. If your same-sex parents happen to be twins born on Christmas you just hit the fucking holiday convenience jackpot.


2. The question “Who do you love more: your mother or father?” is an easy one to answer.
One of the biggest questions in a person’s life can be the question “Do you love your mother or father more?” It’s just like the question “Which of your children do you love more?” It’s very difficult to answer, but it does have a definite answer. Well if you’ve got two moms or two dads, what could have been a tremendously uncomfortable dilemma becomes a comically easy question to answer.


And the number one benefit to having same sex parents is…


1. When you ask for something your parent can’t say “Go ask your mother.”
Traditionally speaking when you’re a kid and you want a new toy or something you ask your dad and he says “Go ask your mother…” This is usually because your father has no idea what’s going on with you. He figures the mother will know how to handle the situation and perhaps use the toy as a reward for good behavior. Well if you’ve got two fathers then obviously there isn’t a mother to ask and they can’t say “Go ask your dad” because the kid will be like “You are my dad…” The same thing would happen with two mothers. If one of the moms says “Go ask your mother” the kid will say “Who the hell do you think you are?” I’m not sure if there’s a comeback to that.

Look at Jesus being all creepy in the background.

Now I’m sure there are more benefits to having same sex parents, but these are the obvious and most beneficial ones. If you’re a kid with two parents of the same gender you should definitely take advantage of these positives and use them to help you ignore the few negatives when those do come up.

5.22.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Makes Poop Look Brown?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve always wondered why is poop colored brown? Who decided this? Why wasn’t I consulted? I think I would have preferred to make it purple or a turquoise color. What is with this brown? Always dull and brown! Why?! -- Cleo from Los Angeles, California

Dear Lorraine:
You can blame Bilirubin for the brownness of your feces. Bilirubin is a bile pigment that is created when red blood cells are broken down. 99% of the body’s total Bilirubin production exits the body in the sausages of poo your body creates. Bilirubin also adds a delightful background shade to urine and is responsible for the yellow coloring of bruises. Also, anyone who’s ever played with crayons or markers knows when you mix up all different colors it ends up coming out brown. So if you’re eating a bunch of different colored foods that’s gonna end up being brown after it’s mixed together with the stomach acids plus Bilirubin. Also you have to take into account that a lot of foods people eat are already brown like meat and beans. If you eat a loaf of rye bread what color are you expecting to come out of your asshole? The color brown represents merging and mixing which is exactly what is involved in the body’s creation of feces. Hope that answers your question.

What can bilirubin do for you?

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Mr. Irrelevant”

The final player in the NFL draft is labeled “Mr. Irrelevant” because no one gives a shit about them and they’re usually a terrible player who never goes on to do anything noteworthy with their career. But what about all the players who didn’t get drafted? If the final player is irrelevant then what does that make the pool of players that no one picked at all? What are they called? What is less than irrelevant? Wet dog shit? Imagine what those undrafted players feel like. It’s bad enough the fate of their career was being played out in the draft and they weren’t selected, but now you’re going to call them less than irrelevant? They hope and prayed to be “irrelevant.” That must be a brand new low for them. That’s the type of humbling thing that should happen to the players at the top of the draft class not the poor bastards who will never make it. It’s simply adding insult to injury. It’s like picking a kickball team out of a pool of 3.500 kids when you only need 254 and calling the 254th kid “The worst possible available choice.”

This is all sort of irrelevant when you think about it.

The Top 5 Weirdest Hairstyles For Your Pubic Hair

Summer is now here which means you’ve gotta have your pubic hair styling game on point. If you’re bored of the straight up shaved look you might be inspired to try some different styles. The purpose of this article is to warn you from my personal experience about which styles definitely won’t work. Here are the top 5 weirdest hairstyles for your pubes:


5. Dreadlocks
Dreadlocks are a great way to keep your hair under control in the summer heat. The only problem is it looks like you’re perpetually giving birth to the Predator. This will invariably lead to many people asking the question “What the hell are you?”

If your crotch looks like a Rastafarian you've gone too far.

4. Mohawk
A pubic mohawk always looks bizarre and it’s a very tricky look to pull off. For maximum effect you need to dye the hair a neon color which may affect your fertility.

You could put an eye out with that!


3. Cornrows
Your pubes aren’t a Puerto Rican female boxer, they don’t need to be in cornrows. As a matter of fact, it’s not a good idea to compare your pubic hair to a cornfield in any way. There should be no scarecrows and there definitely shouldn’t be any crop circles.

Braids can hurt on your head so just imagine what it's like when someone's braiding your asshair!


2. Comb over
If you’ve been experiencing pubic hair loss, or dick pattern baldness as it’s called, you may be tempted to go with the comb over look. Of course the comb over isn’t fooling anyone and it really only serves a depressing reminder of what used to be there. It’s better to just shave what few hairs you have, get some wax, and try to pull off the bald look.

Your crotch should never look like a middle aged Don Rickles.


And the number one weirdest pubic hairstyle is...


1. Beehive
People don’t even wear beehives on their heads anymore so it’s not a good idea to put it on your crotch. Unless you want your genitals to look like a wasps nest, I wouldn’t recommend the beehive. Lord knows what could end up nesting in that and coming out to bite people who were brave enough to venture in there.

We all know your genitals produce sweet nectar, you don't have to complete the metaphor.

5.20.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Just Everywhere”

Sometimes when there’s a giant tornado and the news comes to interview witnesses the witnesses say “The debris was just everywhere!” Let’s clear one thing up right now, things can’t be JUST everywhere. If something is everywhere then you simply cannot use the word “just.” “Just” is a word that implies a limit and the word “everywhere” implies no limit. That’s like saying “We’re just going to amputate your genitals.” No, sorry it’s not JUST my genitals. People need to stop using the word “just” the way they use the word “like.” The word “like” is a word that can be thrown into sentences all willy nilly without affecting the meaning of it. “Just” on the other hand actually has a meaning so when you throw it in haphazardly it can really ruin the message of what you’re trying to say and make you sound like a complete dummy. When people overuse “like” it’s just annoying, it’s like adding the word “cheesecake” into sentences randomly as opposed to overusing the word “just” in a sentence which is like adding the word “fuckface” when it doesn’t belong there. One is harmless, the other isn’t.

The debris was actually just where the tornado hit.