Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Take My Baby On A Boat Trip?”

I hope your baby enjoys
Krakens and Leviathans.
Dear McFartnuggets: My husband and I have been planning a boat adventure into the Pacific Ocean for years now. The only problem is I just gave birth a month ago so we have a brand new baby with us. My husband wants to go sailing into the ocean with the baby and I just wanted to make sure that was safe before we do it, thanks. -- Lucy from San Francisco

Dear Lucy:
I really wouldn’t take a baby onto the ocean if I could help it. The reason is, it’s just not natural. There’s a reason why there were no women on board ships like in “Master and Commander”, because they would have been raped non-stop and also giving birth on the ocean isn’t normal. Humans haven’t evolved for that. You know who used to be born on ships? Pirate babies… and their lives weren’t the best.

We’re not meant to be floating around on the seas to begin with, much less as babies. I can’t imagine a baby would enjoy the rocking waves of the ocean during a heavy squall. That could lead to Shaken Baby Syndrome. Then god forbid the baby flies off the deck, it’s harder to recover in the water because it’s so small. Newborn babies aren’t cut out for life on the high seas. I would really wait until the baby is at least 1.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and don’t let pirates steal your baby.

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