5 Tips For Taking Nude Photos of Yourself

Some people get too
fancy with the self portraits.
With the risk of having your nude photos leaked at any moment thanks to the security flaws in the cloud and other servers, it’s important to be smart about how you take your naked pics. Even if you’re not a celebrity, your nude photos are at risk. There’s always the chance you drunkenly send one by accident to your boss one night and that can ruin a career. That’s a bad scenario, but there are ways to mitigate the damage that will be done by such a mistake. In order to limit the humiliation caused by a leaked nude pic, follow these 5 helpful tips:

1. Have bad lighting.
The thing about nude photos is they don’t have to have high production values. They’re supposed to be dark and gritty like Christopher Nolan’s Batman reboot. Also, the darker and grittier, the more room you have to say “That’s not me…”

A lack of lighting can create a brooding, intense mood.

2. Use flattering angles.
If someone sees your naked pics, you’re going to want them to look good. That means using very flattering angles. Plan out your shot in advance. Some people like to take dozens of pics to get the right angle, but you have to remember that all those photos are being saved in corporate servers so even if you delete them they’re not gone. Limit the number of photos you take by brainstorming up your camera positioning well in advance.

Use the right angles to accentuate your body.

3. Use a Polaroid camera.
This is really one of the best tips for nude pics. Back in the good old days before digital cameras people had to take nude photos with film cameras. The problem with that was the guy at the photo lab knew what your balls looked like and that made picking the photos up very awkward. With the magic of Polaroid you could develop your own film at home instantly and so you were the first and only one to see your nude photos until you were absolutely ready to show another person. That’s how naked photos should be.

Sure it's a little creepy to have a box of nude Polaroids in your house, but as long as they're of you and/or living people that you haven't eaten, it won't be THAT creepy.

4. Don’t put your face in the photo.
Why do people put their faces in naked pics? What’s the point? If you’re sending them to someone then they have to just assume it’s you. If they know you have a birthmark on your taint then that’s the certificate of authenticity. They’ll know it’s real but no one else would. That’s the strongest security feature you can have on a nude photo. Who really needs anything more than just a photo of your butthole anyway? How do you even get your face in that shot? Only a skilled contortionist can do that.

Think of taking nude pics like occupying Wall Street. No one knows why you're doing it. But probably because you're a bored alcoholic.

5. Be unattractive.
No one’s looking for Jane Lynch or Sinbad nudes. No one’s leaking Madonna nudes. Why? Because no one gives a crap. No one’s searching for Tilda Swinton nudes. No one’s ever Googled “Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan Nudes.” Okay well maybe I did once but I was drunk!

Not too many nudes of the bearded lady being leaked these days.

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