Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Do Green Beans Squeak Against My Teeth?"

Maybe squeaking is just the
green bean's way of screaming
before it's eaten.
Ask McFartnuggets: 
I'm an obese man who's been trying to eat more healthy as of late and I love green beans. The only problem is when I eat the beans they make a loud squeaking sound in my mouth that makes me cringe and so I inevitably choose to eat bacon instead because it doesn't squeak in my mouth and tastes five million times better. Why do the green beans squeak against my teeth? How do I get this to stop? -- Larry from Worcester, Massachusetts

Dear Larry:
Beans squeak in your mouth when the skin of the bean rubs against the surface of your teeth. You can try cooking them longer so they won't squeak, but then they'll lose nutrients which defeats the purpose of eating vegetables in the first place. Or you could eat them raw, but that's disgusting. I think the real issue here is green beans don't want to be eaten. They're living things that have a natural urge to live and they've developed this squeaking technique to deter humans from consuming them. The beans know there's nothing more disturbing than having the sound of nails on a chalkboard happening in your own damn mouth and they were smart enough to do that. You could blend them to make a green bean smoothie to teach them a lesson, but that's a lesson that would take generations to learn and as an obese individual your time is limited, also again that is disgusting. Just eat the foods you enjoy and enjoy life! Eat the foods that want to be eaten. Bacon wants it. If bacon didn't want to be eaten why would it be so hot and greasy with that odor basically grabbing you saying "TAKE ME NOW FAT BOY!" Oh bacon, you dirty, dirty bitch.

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