Dumbass Sayings: “Expect the Unexpected”

Sometimes when you’re making love to a woman you just met, her husband (who you didn’t know existed) will pop up in the back seat of the car holding a knife and say “EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!” Usually you’re too busy screaming and trying to get out of the car to think about what that saying really means, but once you’e escaped and are safe at home you get to thinking and dissecting those words. “Expect the unexpected”? How can anyone do that? If you’re expecting something it’s no longer unexpected is it? So by definition you cannot expect the unexpected, that’s what’s makes it unexpected. As soon as you start expecting the unexpected it ceases to be the unexpected and becomes the expected so you’re just expecting the expected which is what you were doing all along! Saying “Expect the unexpected” is basically like saying “Be prepared for everything.” That’s a totally unrealistic piece of advice. You can say “Be prepared for ANYTHING” and that seems a little more reasonable, but “everything” is too damn much.

How the hell was I supposed to expect a child to run in front of my photo of this train in the ground?

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