The Top 5 Global Dangers That Everyone Just Forgot About

New dangers are always being created
and we forget about the old ones.
The news has a way of sensationalizing threats in order to create fear and keep people glued to the 24 hour news cycle titty. One of the side effects to that is they will completely stop talking about a threat as soon as a new one comes along. These threats don’t disappear, they merely get pushed to the back of the line. Ever since 9/11, terrorism has taken a lot of airtime away from other fears. It’s important to remember what those things are because they still exist. If 9/11 taught us anything it’s to stay vigilant and never forget! Here are the top five biggest threats that everyone has forgotten about:

5. Mad Cow Disease
When Mad Cow Disease first hit the scene people were scared to death to take a bite of a hamburger. No one wanted to end up foaming from the mouth and going insane at TGIFriday’s. Not only would it be very embarrassing for your date, but it would be a very painful death. In the past decade, Mad Cow has faded to the back of people’s minds. It’s still around and probably just as big of a threat as it ever was, but because no one on the news talks about it we can enjoy our steaks in ignorant bliss.

Mad Cow sounds too funny, let's just call it what it really is: Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.

4. Smallpox
We think just because something’s called Smallpox it’s not a big deal. Smallpox should probably get a new name like Death Warts or something so people take it seriously. It’s still out there and it has to capability to wipe out humanity. The only thing that can save us is our reluctance to ever make human contact with each other. Thanks, technology!

Yeah, this doesn't look like a big deal does it?

3. Killer bees
In the 80’s and 90’s there was a big fuss made about how African killer bees had made their way into Brazil and were migrating north to wreak havoc on America. Since then, bees have had their fair share of problems. Bees are vanishing faster than a Malaysian airliner. Things have changed so much that we’re actually trying to save the stingy bastards. If all the bees vanish then the entire ecosystem could collapse, but if we help them too much we’ll all be victims of a killer bee invasion. We’re screwed either way on this one.

We need to Americanize these bees ASAP. Start feeding them McDonald's honey!

2. Acid rain
Remember acid rain? Everyone was so concerned that increasing pollution would cause the skies to pour burning acid on us, killing and maiming millions. Well, since then pollution has gotten drastically worse and yet acid rain is hardly ever mentioned. How is that possible? Shouldn’t acid rain be killing everyone right now? The fact is, it’s still a thing, but in today’s messed up world, being burned alive by acid is the least of our problems.

We're going to need special umbrellas.

And the number one most dangerous problem the world forgot about is...

1. Cooties
What was the number one threat to everything in your life when you were a child? Cooties. Then one day people just stopped talking about it. Did it go away? Of course not. Cooties are still there, it’s just that when you’re an “Adult” you’re not allowed to talk about it. What people don’t realize is that Cooties are the root of such serious illnesses as Syphilis, Herpes, and HIV. The only thing kids get wrong about Cooties is the whole Cootie Shot thing. If only those worked! Millons of people wouldn’t need healthcare if that were the case. Cooties are real and they’re a serious problem that people need to wake up and face.

I bet most people have already thrown out their Cootie Catchers. That's just what they want you to do.

Dumbass Sayings: “Failure IS An Option”

How about instead of giving failing
students an F you give them a
slice of Domino's instead.
Domino’s Pizza’s has crossed the line with their new slogan “Failure IS an option.” I think we’ve all had enough of these self deprecating commercials. Every commercial they do features a corporate leader saying “We’ve had so many things go wrong here that we have to be improving!” You can’t act like this when you make food. You can’t talk about all your past conceptual failures like the “Cookie Pizza” and say you’re not scared to make the same mistakes then unveil a new shitty product like chicken with cheese sprinkled on top. That’s like saying “Our new items usually suck, but TRY THIS ONE!” What kind of reverse psychology bullshit is this? “From the makers of the cookie pizza comes our latest affront to human digestive health!” The only reason this advertising works is because people who eat Domino's are 10 times out of 10 stoned out of their mind and the Papa John’s guy looks like a scary human Elmo to them.

Failure is NOT an option in the food industry because if you fail you can make a lot of people very sick. Granted, it’s the people who thought eating Domino’s was a good idea in the first place, but that’s still irresponsible. Who the hell wants to eat food made by people who believe “Failure is an option.” That’s possibly the most disconcerting thing anyone could say to you before handing you a plate of food. When someone is feeding you, you want them to say something like “You’re gonna really like this!” or “We worked very hard to make this meal special!” not “Just so you know, failure is an option for us.” It’s a good thing failure’s an option for Domino’s because they seem to have exercised that option with their new slogan.

Classic Dream Interpretations: The Naked Dream

Am I the only one who dreams about
being naked with pizza dough on my face?
We’ve all had that dream where we show up to work naked. In the dream everyone is staring at us and we’re really scared and want to run away. Then we bend over and shoot fire out of our ass lighting the entire place ablaze using our butthole like the nozzle of a flamethrower. It’s a scary dream, sometimes it’s exciting. Sometimes you wake up after this dream and find you’ve had a bit of an accident, right? What does this dream mean?

Classic dream interpreters say this dream means you’re afraid of being exposed for something that you’re hiding from people. I say it means you need to stop having Taco Bell and Whiskey for lunch. You’re afraid of what the alcohol can do to your mind and what it can make you capable of. Will it make you show up bareassed naked one day? It’s certainly possible. This dream is your subconscious mind’s warning to yourself to change your behaviors. Also, no human being should be eating Taco Bell for lunch. Eat it for dinner when you’ve got nothing to lose, unless you have a habit of shitting the bed. Don’t risk having an ass inferno at work or on the bus ride home.

Dumbass Sayings: “An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away”

Did Dr. J
have a fear of apples?
Probably not.
This is a saying we’ve all heard growing up and we just accept it as true. Then we grow up and realize that apples aren’t particularly healthy. They’re not bad for you, but it’s not like they’re some kind of wonderfruit. This saying was clearly created by the Big Apple industry and I don’t mean New York City. They worked in collusion with the doctors of America as well as the teachers for some reason. Teachers always had an apple on their desk to link apples with education even though that makes no sense either. Apples has a pretty damn good PR empire for itself that’s been built over generations, but it’s all based on nonsense.

If anything, oranges are what will keep the doctor away. Oranges are packed with Vitamin C and citric acid that helps fight Scurvy. What the hell do apples do? The average apple has 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 10% of your daily vitamin C and 1% of your daily vitamin A, calcium, and iron. That’s not so great. An orange on the other hand has 4 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 160% of your daily vitamin C, and 8%, 7%, and 1% of your daily vitamin A, calcium, and iron respectively. Clearly oranges are more healthy for you.

And why do we need to keep doctors away? When has this ever been a problem? Was there a time when doctors used to come door-to-door to everyone’s houses on a daily basis to make sure everyone was in good health and if you showed him you were eating an apple he would refrain from giving you a prostate exam? That’s the only way this saying makes sense and even then it’s no longer applicable to modern life so stop saying it.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What is the Evolutionary Purpose of Ass Hair?”

The answer might be right
under your asshole.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
While I was just laying in bed relaxing, twirling my ass hair around on my finger the other day I got to thinking “What is the evolutionary purpose for ass hair?” Why do we even have it? It’s more of a nuisance than anything. Most of the time it just serves as velcro to toilet paper to stick to when I’m wiping my ass. Now what could possibly be the benefit to that? -- Sheryl from Boise, Idaho

Dear Sheryl:
This is a question that always baffles doctors and scientists when I ask them. Then I’m removed from the premises. I have a feeling they don’t really know. No one knows for sure. All we can do is guess about this physical mystery. My best guess is that it provides a layer of cushioning when we sit down. As humans evolved we didn’t have pants and underwear so we had to make underwear out of leaves which basically served as pants and our ass hair was our natural underwear. If you had to sit on a cold rock would you rather have a fully waxed butthole or have a thick mane of curly cushion velcro hair there to provide insulation? Think about it.  Also, it’s not a bad way to ward off predators.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and happy combing!


Dumbass Sayings: “Boss”

Only one person appreciates
being called "Boss."
There’s a certain type of guy who goes around calling people “Boss” all the time. It’s almost always a man, I don’t think women do this, which goes to show how dumb it is. Women know better than to go around ironically calling people with crappy jobs “Boss.” It’s just a stupid thing to say. Whenever someone calls you boss just call them “Employee.” Usually they stop after that. They don’t want to take that fantasy any further because they don’t want to be fired. They need that imaginary job to support their fictional children they’ve created for this fun little scenario they just invented for no reason.

Also, gender equality won’t be fully realized until people start ironically referring to women with bad jobs as “Boss” the same say they do to a man. Ex: “Hey boss, I’ll have a Big Mac and a Coke.” But I doubt that will ever happen just because calling people “Boss” is so damn douchey. If you call men “Boss” you should call women that too. Stop being sexist.

Ask McFartnuggets: “When My Cat Drools Does That Mean She Loves Me?

Just because Bob at work drools
to show he likes you doesn't
mean cats do the same thing.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
My cat drools a lot, does that mean she loves me? I heard people say cats don’t show real emotion they just trick us into thinking they love us so we give them food. Is my cat drooling for me or is it a ruse to get Meow Mix? -- Nelson from Detroit

Dear Nelson:
Feline drooling or Ptyalism has been noted as a sign of cat happiness. However it is more commonly a sign of a feline illness such as mouth ulcers, poisoning, foreign object, rabies, cat flu, poor oral hygiene, oral cancer, nausea, tumors, etc. To put it simply, cats ain’t sposed to drool. If the drooling is excessive then you should be worried and take your cat to the vet. So it could mean the cat is happy, but it could also mean it’s dying. Either one. Maybe it means your cat loves you to death, I don’t know. Check its mouth.

Mail questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and please bear with me I’m answering these as fast as I can.

Dumbass Sayings: “Stair Climbing”

Only alcoholics "climb" up stairs.
Somehow the act of walking up stairs was dubbed “Stair climbing.” That’s the official term for moving up stairs with your feet. Everyone who’s walked up stairs before knows that’s not an accurate term. When you’re walking upright up a staircase that’s not “Climbing.” When you’re drunk at the mall and your legs have given out on you and you’re pulling yourself up the escalator face down while vomiting, THAT is “Climbing.” Fortunately for us, that’s a rare occurrence usually only once a month, maybe every weekend during Summer. That’s real stair climbing.

So if walking up stairs is “Stair climbing” what’s crawling and literally climbing up stairs called? Is that just “Stair climbing” still? If that’s the case then I must be a champion stair climber! If you tell someone you climbed the stairs from the bottom to the top of the Empire State Building that should be incredibly impressive. If you say you walked those stairs then it sounds less impressive. I think that’s why this term is used. People want others to think they’re a “Climber.” They’re not. They’re just using stairs the way they were intended to be used. Next they’ll call standing on an escalator “Walking.”

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Lip Sync To The National Anthem At Sports Events?”

There's literally no reason not to sing
along to an instrumental rendition.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Why is it in America whenever they bring a singer to perform “The Star Spangled Banner” before a sporting event, the people in the crowd and athletes lip sync along to the words. Why don’t they sing along? Why do they just mumble or mouth the words? What kind of donkeyshit is that? I always sing proudly. People give me looks! They look at me like “Who is THIS muthafucka?” Umm, I’m a patriot, lady. Try it sometime. Christ almighty what is happening to this nation?! -- Dave from Memphis, Tennessee

Dear Dave:
I hear ya brother! Fact of the matter is, most people aren’t comfortable singing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” It’s a unique song that even professional singers screw up on a near constant basis. I mean if Christina Aguilera can’t get it right, what chance does Franklin the accountant have? It’s a shame that we’ve turned the song into more of a pre-game spectacle these days instead of having it be our true national song. You watch hockey games in Canada and they sing that “O Canada” song with their heart. I’ll admit it’s a catchier tune, but it was written in 1908. “The Star-Spangled Banner” was written in 1814. That’s 94 years. That’s the difference between “O Canada” and “Hot in Herre” by Nelly (released in 2002). Which of those two would be more fun to sing? “O Canada” was last revised in 1980. Imagine if we could have revised The SSB in the 80’s. We’d all be singing a Hall and Oates song before basketball games.

Yes, “The Star-Spangled Banner” is an old-fashioned song that only few people can sing properly, but that doesn’t mean people should be shy about giving it a go. National anthems are supposed to be songs we all sing freely and openly to exhibit the pride we have in our nation. To put it simply, we need more people like you, Dave. People should be too busy belting out “Rockets’ red glare!” to be noticing how weird the person next to them looks singing it. And too busy putting their lungs into “The home of the BRAAAAAAAVE!” to be clapping and hooting for whatever pop star American Idol reject the NFL hired to put up on a platform that day. I mean how ironic is it that we’re the “Home of the brave” and people are too scared to look like buffoons singing the national anthem? I’d rather make myself look like a fool for a minute while drunk at a professional indoor soccer league game than shit on everything the forefathers believed America stood for. Thanks for the question, Dave.

Send your inqueries to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll try answering them as soon as I can.

Previously Unreleased Live Commercial From The 60’s

This commercial was never meant to be seen. It was filmed in the 60’s and then left on the cutting room floor. Pampers was experimenting with how to sell their new custom fit line that could be worn by adults so they wanted to display why adults might need to wear diapers. Sadly, that man’s family never knew the truth about what happened UNTIL NOW.

The Top 5 Things That Are NOT Better When “Homemade”

Not everything is best when
homemade by grandma. Like
houses made of candy.
People always make a big fuss over “homemade” items. Whether it’s homemade lemonade or homemade laundry detergent, everyone loves homemade products. These days you’re not hip unless you make your own salad dressing from scratch at home. Well some things aren’t better homemade. Somethings are actually downright horrifying when homemade. Here are the top 5 things that are never as good when they’re homemade:

5. Chinese food
For some reason when you try to make Chinese food at home you end up just getting drunk, setting the kitchen on fire and having to live in a hotel for a week. How do they make Chinese food? How can something billions of people know be such a secret?

Who buys sesame seeds for their home? You can't make this shit at home unless you're some kind of sesame seed psycho.

4. Personal enjoyment items
Homemade personal enjoyment items are popular for folks who don’t like going to adult toy stores or ordering things from the internet. This means most people who make their own personal enjoyment items are a little DIFFERENT than normal folk. Going homemade is not always the best bet, but hey at least you’re recycling those old paper towel rolls.

That is a HORRIBLE design.

3. Condoms
Condom technology has gotten so good these days there’s no reason to make your own at home. They have condoms that can make your genitals feel icy, hot, spicy, cold, bumpy, whatever you want. Try doing that with a GLAD sandwich bag full of spermicide!

Yeaaahhh... Trust me this doesn't work.

2. Glasses
Who the hell makes their own glasses? No one! You know why? Because homemade glasses suck. Glasses are just one of those things people have to make for you. Even if you make a decent frame out of wood or coat hangers, what the hell are you going to do for the lenses? Use actual Coke bottle bottoms? Good luck with that and going unharassed throughout your day.

Make your own glasses and you're liable to look like a goofass.

And the number one thing that’s worse when it’s homemade is…

1. Sex dolls
When it comes to sex dolls you really have to trust the factory made stuff. Non-homemade is far safer. While it's expensive, it’s totally worth the quality. When people find a sex doll in your closet they’re usually a little creeped out, but if they find a homemade sex doll in there made of an old scarecrow you found by the side of the road with a mask made of human hair, well that’s even creepier. Don’t put your family though that.

If you want the good stuff you're gonna have to shell out around seven grand to some creepy Japanese guy.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Humans Need 8 Hours Of Sleep A Night?

Just make sure a hairy green
dwarf isn't perched on your
belly and you're good.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’ve always been told that people need eight hours of sleep a night. I’ve also read that human beings sleep in 90 minute sleep cycles. So if we sleep in 1 and a half hour cycles, why do we need eight hours? Shouldn’t we need either six or nine to stay within the confines of those natural sleep cycles? If anything I would reckon nine hours is best, that’s six full sleep cycles. Where the hell does this number eight come from? -- Minnie from Puerto Rico

Dear Minnie:
Sleep scientists say you’re the most crisp and refreshed when you wake up coming out of a 90 minute cycle so you’d think waking up after 9 hours would be best, but it’s different for everyone.The weird thing is the Center for Disease Control recommends 7 to 8 hours of sleep for adults including elderly folks. I think that’s because they can’t recommend 9 hours. 9 hours seems like a little too much for people. If you slept 9 hours a night you’d have to go to sleep at like 8 PM and wake up at 5 AM to give you enough time to eat breakfast and poop before work then you’d work 9 AM to 5 PM, get home at 6 PM and have two hours to fall asleep. Some people do that five days a week, I don’t know how. The amount of sleep you get really only depends on what job you have. They shouldn’t recommend an average of 8 hours for everyone. Sleep recommendations should be made based on profession. A factory worker should get 9 hours whereas a hooker should get like 5 because she’s always on meth and laying down most of the time anyway.

Send me your riddles and life puzzles at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “What We Do In Life Echoes In Eternity”

If you listen close you can hear
the echo of this guy being killed
by a lion.
General Maximus from “Gladiator” once said “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” That sounds nice especially if you’re about to go into battle to die, but what does that even mean? Does that mean everything you do echoes in eternity? If that’s the case then who cares? If you’re going to make an echo just by doing things in life then why not make an echo laying on your ass eating potato chips than dying screaming being murdered by a barbarian?

Plus, an echo isn’t a big deal. Who wants to be an echo? Echos are generally very faint and often indecipherable. Do people really think some alien in a five million years is going to say “Hold on, what’s that? I think I just heard an echo. Sounded like a guy scratching his balls.” Yeah I’m really sure that’s going to happen. That seems highly unlikely and even if it did happen, who cares? That’s five million years from now. Not even a speck of time in ETERNITY. Surely the echos of what we do on this planet die down a little over the course of FOREVER.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Kiss Their Dogs?”

If your tongue is in the dog's
mouth you've gone too far.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I saw a woman today in the park kissing her dog like French kissing her dog right in the mouth. How can people do this? They walk their dog around and the dog just sniffing and sticking it’s nose and mouth into other dog’s piss, garbage, and hobo feces and all sorts of nasty crap that’s on the streets and then these people go and lick that debris and residue off the dog’s face? Don’t people think about this? That is so goddamn gross! Look I get that dog’s saliva is cleaner than humans, but that doesn’t change the fact they just licked where a hobo masturbated and some drunk guy pissed. And where do we draw the line when it comes to kissing dogs? Dogs lick their ballsacks all the time. That means when you kiss a dog you’re basically kissing the dog’s balls. At what point do you intervene when a man and his dog are basically making out in public? Isn’t that supposed to be illegal? What the hell is wrong with people? -- Irene from Fort Myers

Dear Irene:
Yeah personally I agree with you. I know people love their animals, but it’s just more acceptable for people to kiss dogs. I think it has to do with how they’ve evolved with us to be companions and life partners. People accept a guy kissing a dog, but when they see me kissing cats in public it’s a little more awkward. I guess it’s because they’re stray cats and I’m just putting tuna in my mouth and letting them eat it off my tongue, but hey it’s my life and it’s now or never. I don’t wanna live forever. I JUST WANNA LIVE WHILE IM ALIVE! CAUSE IT’S MYYYY LIIIIIIIIFE! (Is what I sing to people who have a problem with what I’m doing.)

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and learn how to show love to your pets in less sexualized ways.


The Creepiest Thing About Alzheimer’s Disease

This is an illustration of the before and after effects of Alzheimer’s Disease on a human brain:



Has anyone else noticed how a brain damaged by Alzheimer’s Disease looks like a scary demon face? What’s weird is that the brain starts off looking like the inner workings of a vagina with the Fallopian tubes and ovaries. Later, as Alzheimer’s ravages the brain it cuts out big eyes, a little nose, and an evil mouth for itself. Some might say this is just an illusion and people see what they want to see, but this isn’t like seeing Jesus’s face in a Chalupa. Unlike those instances, this visual is not rare. This is what most Alzheimer’s brains end up looking like so that’s pretty messed up. Every single one gets a creepy face demon brain in them. It might not mean anything in particular, but it’s still creepy as shit.

The Top 5 Ways Dogs Have Better Lives Than Humans

As long as they're not around
Mike Vick or Sarah McLachlan,
dogs live pretty great lives.
Humans like to make believe that we have it better than dogs. We supplicate them to do our bidding in exchange for rubdowns and food. We think they’re the ones who dream to be us when truthfully it is we who should dream to be dogs. Sure humans have the gift of advanced reasoning and abstract thought, but that’s about it. There are tons of reasons why dogs have better lives than humans and here are the top 5:

5. They don’t ever need to work.
Dogs don’t need to have jobs. When a dog does decide to find employment it’s usually as a bomb sniffer or police dog in which case they’re highly respected. A police dog is just doing his job, but everyone treats them like the greatest role models.

4. They can lick their own balls.
If I could lick my own balls I wouldn’t even be typing this right now. I’d be locked in the bathroom in my tub, burning my taste buds into nothingness. What a gift it is to lick one’s own balls.

3. They get to bark as loud as they want without any real punishment.
When you’re a dog you can bark randomly for no reason as loud as you want as many times as you want and as long as you eventually do stop, you’ll never be severely punished for it. As a person, if you go outside and start screaming nonstop eventually you will be placed under arrest. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not so lucky some other crazy person might just run up and beat the holy hell out of you.

2. They can just walk up and smell each other’s asses.
Dogs do this all the time, it’s like their handshake. Yet when you as a human walk up and bury your face in a person’s ass or even a dog’s ass for that matter, the police are on their way.

And the number one way dogs have better lives than humans is...

1. They get to pee and crap in public without being arrested.
The greatest thing about being a dog has to be the pissing and crapping in public. Imagine a world where humans could do that. You can’t. It’s too outrageous to even conceive of a man stopping randomly on the sidewalk to crouch down and pinch one out then pull up his pants and keep on walking. Yet for dogs, that’s an everyday occurrence. If a human pees on a tree in a public park they can actually be arrested for that whether or not they have their leg up. It’s insanity to us, but to a dog it’s just life.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Are Rollerblades Cool or Not?”

Would someone "cool" use
these to get to work?
Dear McFartnuggets: 
Are rollerblades cool or not? Whenever I see someone with them on I think “Oh, that’s cool,” but then I watch for awhile and think “No, wait nevermind.” -- Iris from Chappaquiddick, Massachusetts

Dear Iris:
Inline skates are one of the more interesting human transportation methods ever invented. They are kind of cool in design and theory, but the motion that you use to propel yourself on rollerblades looks weird which makes it seem stupid or lame. It’s basically the same motion that you use for ice skating. Ice skating is cool when hockey players are doing it, but when figure skaters are doing it, not so much.

It all depends who the rollerblades are on. If you see a teenage "aggressive inline skater" wearing them then they’re considered “sick” or “gnarly” but a grown man with rollerblades is just awkward. You wonder what happened in his life that he can’t afford a car or even a bicycle. Another factor in the coolness, or lack thereof when it comes to rollerblades is that it’s really difficult to look tough on rollerblades. No one’s ever seen a man on skates and thought “I better watch myself around that guy, he could kick my ass.” No one has ever said that about anyone on rollerblades. Clint Eastwood would never have worn rollerblades. In that way, rollerblades don’t necessarily jibe with the male idea of cool. Women might see things differently, but I do know that whenever I’m out with my rollerblades on I never get laid. You could say it depends on who’s wearing the rollerblades, but really, who wears rollerblades if their goal is to get laid? Basically no one. With that said, rollerblades are at the moment in time approximately 22% "rad", 78% "bogus."

Send your questions to me at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll try to answer them as soon as I can.

The Top 5 Things You Should Never Do In A Public Shower

Try not to bring kids if you can
help it.
When you find yourself in a public shower situation it’s important to remember you’re not in your shower at home. That means you may have to modify some of your “normal” showertime behaviors in order to avoid an awkward naked situation around a bunch of strangers. Here are the top five things you should never do in a public shower even though maybe you do them at home:

5. Sing
Singing in the shower is one of man’s most popular pastimes. Unfortunately it tends to disturb other people when you’re all sharing the same shower. You’d be amazed at how much you DON’T sound like you think you sound.

4. Eat
You know how you eat breakfast in the shower to save time when getting ready in the morning? Yeah well forget that in a public shower. Oh and the five second rule doesn’t apply to an Egg McMuffin you accidentally dropped on the gym shower drain.

3. Cry
Crying in the shower is great because it’s like your tears can melt away in a river of tears coming from the showerhead. It’s the ultimate moisture experience. Sadly, when you cry in a public shower people get really freaked out and can’t stop talking about you behind your back.

2. Breakdance
We all know that when you lather your bathtub with soap you can have countless hours of fun breakdancing in there and spinning around like crazy. However, doing the same thing in a public shower isn’t as much fun because usually you’ll knock into someone and they’ll kick your ass.

And the number one thing you should never do in a public shower is…

1. Stare at people and urinate
If you have a window by your shower at home then you know how much fun it is to stare at people on the sidewalk while urinating in the shower. Science doesn’t yet fully understand why this feels so good, it just does. On the other hand, locking eyes with someone in a public shower while peeing is usually immediate grounds for expulsion from Lucille Roberts.

Public showers are an awful place for a staring contest.

Maybe some people are wondering where defecation and masturbation are on this list. I run a family blog here. Please think more highly of me than that!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does My Grandpa With Alzheimer's Only Talk To His Dog?

When you get to a certain age
the only people you can stand
are dogs.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
My grandpa has been suffering from Alzheimer's for five years now and has lost most of his speech. He never responds to anyone in our family when we visit and try to talk to him. The weird thing is we got him a dog about two years ago and he talks to the dog all the time! It’s mostly nonsense, but he is talking to the dog and he won’t talk to anyone else. Why does my grandpa only talk to his dog? Why won’t he talk to me? -- Christina from Gainesville, Florida

Dear Christina:
This is actually a rather common phenomenon with Alzheimer’s sufferers. It’s very tragic and hurts when your loved one will only talk to a mutt and not people who have loved him for decades, but fortunately there is a way to get around that. When this happened to my grandpa we were all devastated, but I got the idea to buy a full sized dog costume and wear that to visit him. At first it didn’t work so I had to work on my dog impression, the walking on all fours and barking thing. Once I mastered those techniques he actually spoke to me. It was in cryptic senile gibberish, but I felt that bond that we once had and to me, it was all worth it. If you have a couple hundred bucks lying around for a realistic dog costume like the one from that FX show “Wilfred” I seriously suggest you give it a try. If it doesn’t work, it’s not the suit, you just need to work on your dog impersonation.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and always remember, when in doubt, act like a dog.