6.29.2014

The Top 5 Negatives To Sleeping Naked

You may draw a crowd.
If you aren’t familiar with the freedom of sleeping bare ass naked then I seriously recommend you try it. Everyone should know what it feels like to slumber in the nude. Of course, nothing in life is perfect and so there are some major negatives to sleeping without any clothes on. Here are the top 5 cons to sleeping naked:


5. Dirty sheets
Most people sweat in their sleep especially if they suffer from night terrors. When you wear pajamas or other bedtime clothes those usually soak up the majority of the sweat. When you’re laying in bed completely naked the sweat goes right into your sheets and mattress which is gross.

Crapping in the bed can sometimes require an entire team of helpers.


4. Mosquitos
Obviously if you’re sleeping naked it leaves you vulnerable for mosquito bites. Even if you’re under the covers, mosquitos can get under and will have carte blanche on every part of your body. Even just wearing underpants can keep mosquitos away from your delicate areas. Nothing’s worse than having a mosquito bite in between your asscheeks, but when you sleep naked that’s a definite risk.

You never want to see a mosquito pooping out your crotchblood.


3. Home invasion
According to the FBI, a burglary occurs somewhere in America every 14 seconds. When someone breaks into your house you’re going to want to be prepared and that’s hard to do when you’re buck naked. Depending on how weird you look naked this might help scare an intruder, but usually it’s going to result in you feeling even less secure that you already are.

Even if you have a barbed wire fence, that's no treat to climb over to escape a burglar while you're bareass naked.


2. House fire
Hopefully it never happens to you, but if your house does catch fire in the middle of the night it’s best to not be naked. Usually you won’t have time to grab any clothes and so you’ll be standing on your front lawn bare ass nekkid in front of the fire department and all of your neighbors.

Make sure to have an escape plan for a home fire and know exactly where to find an emergency pair of slacks.


And the number one negative to sleeping in the nude is...


1. Sleepwalking
If you are a sleepwalker you know that it’s not a good idea to sleep naked. The decision to sleep naked can mean the difference between a mildly scary event where you wake up in a McDonald’s not knowing how you got there and a serious crime where you’re arrested at that McDonald’s for ordering a Big Mac in your sleep with your junk out.

Nude sleeping can turn sleepwalking into a serious crime.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Make Sexy Eye Contact Without Looking Creepy?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
A friend of mine told me the key to attracting women is to use sexy eye contact. The problem is I’m not really sure how to do that. When I make eye contact with women they look away and usually leave. Is there a trick to this? I stare at them for that confident eye contact and women just find that creepy. How can I make sexy eye contact without looking creepy? -- Lamar from Kingsport, Tennessee


Dear Lamar:
The key to making sexy eye contact is all in the smile. You have to smile. You can’t just stare down a woman with a blank face. Most people interpret that as a threat and that’s definitely not the message you want to send. Where it gets tricky is in regulating the smile. You can’t just smile as big as possible, that tends to scare people. The right smile for eye contact has to be somewhere in the middle between the cold death stare of a potential serial killer and the maniacal grin of a guy who just escaped an asylum. Practice in the mirror at home for a few minutes each day until you’ve gotten it down. Remember, you want to seem pleasant and happy, but if you start looking like you just inhaled Joker venom it might be time to turn the smile down a bit. Find that Goldilocks zone of smiling and you’ll be making sexy confident eye contact in no time.


Having a sword really doesn't help these days.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

The Four Seasons sang a song called “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and most people accept that idea as a fact. Could there be a connection between a woman’s size and her emotional state? Yes, actually there is and it disproves the belief that big girls don’t cry. Most people know that women’s bodies produce the hormone estrogen in high volume. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women all womanly and leads to increased emotional behaviors such as crying. Where it gets interesting is that fat cells produce estrogen. So if big girls have more fat cells that means they have more estrogen in their system which makes them more likely to experience the emotional state that leads to crying. Frankie Valli was wrong. Big girls DO cry and physiologically speaking they cry more than small girls.


Some big girls get sleep apnea which is a good reason to cry.

6.28.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can You Get HIV From Drinking Urine?”

Don't drink that glass of urine
JUST YET.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I was walking down the street today and walked past a tall apartment building. I felt liquid coming down at me and when I looked up I saw a guy peeing and laughing. Some of the urine got in my mouth. I wanted to report them to the cops, but that would have meant I had to stand there letting pee dry on me so I just ran home to shower. Now I’m really freaking out because it was so gross. I don’t know anything about that guy, but can I get HIV from drinking urine? -- Jena from Chicago, Illinois


Dear Jena:
No, according to most doctors, HIV cannot be spread from urine. There is a chance there might be some semen in the urine if the person just had sex or masturbated, but that’s unlikely. Even then, semen to mouth transmission is considered low risk because the virus can’t survive as well in the mouth as it can from shared needles or intercourse. Urine is sterile so you shouldn’t have to worry about any other diseases as long as there was no discharge in with the urine. That’s something people forget about. Doctor’s always say “Urine is 100% sterile and can’t transmit any STDs” but that’s assuming the urine is pure. As long as clean urine rained down on you you should be okay. If it had any indications of discharge I would get to a doctor to be on the safe side.


Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and watch out for pissing bandits.

The Top 5 Worst Songs To Dance To

Not even a bird can help
you dance to these songs.
When you’re stripping naked and trying to act all seductive and sultry it’s important to pick the right song to play in the background. Picking the wrong song can result in the wrong mood and can change your sexy dancing into the goofiest and/or most awkward thing anyone has ever seen. It’s best to pick songs that are easy to dance to and fit a slow mood. Here are the top 5 worst songs to pick for your strip show:


5. “Taps” by Army Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield



This song is meant more for flag ceremonies and funerals so someone stripping naked while it’s playing doesn’t really fit.



4. “Georgia On My Mind” by Ray Charles


A really nice song, but the pace and tempo is all wrong for a strip show.




3. “My Bologna” by Weird Al Yankovic



This is a silly parody of the song “My Sharona” by The Knack. Usually when you’re taking your clothes off the last thing you want is to hear laughter so I’d stay away from this song.




2. “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton



“Tears in Heaven” was a song Eric Clapton wrote about his dead son so it’s not really appropriate for stripping at all. Just like you don’t want people to laugh at your dancing, you definitely don’t want them to cry either.



And the number one song you shouldn’t play while you’re stripping is…




1. “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!” by Jerry Samuels



This was a novelty joke song from 1966. Some people have claimed it pokes fun at the mentally ill. While that may or may not be true, there is still a clear theme of insanity in the song and that’s not a message you want to send to people when you’re dancing in front of them. The only thing worse than making someone laugh or cry with your naked body is creeping them the hell out and this is a song that will do that.

Ask McFartnuggets: "How Come You Never Meet Any Black Women Named Stephanie?"

This is what you imagine
when you try to picture
a Stephanie.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come you never meet any Black women named Stephanie? -- Neil from Vermont


Dear Neil:
There are just some names that aren't popular with certain ethnicities or backgrounds. You might not see too many Black women named Stephanie or Amber for the same reason you don't meet too many White women named Latoya or Latisha. It's the same reason you don't meet too many White men named DeAndre or Treyshaun. It's the same reason you don't meet too many Asian people named Yitzhak. People tend to name their babies things that are acceptable in the social circles and culture. Maybe one day as our cultures become more and more mixed up you might start seeing Black women named Tiffany and White women named Charmisha.


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6.27.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: Why Are Lions Considered King of the Jungle?”

Everyone knows tigers
are the real jungle royalty.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come people call lions the kings of the jungle when they don’t even live in the freaking jungle? -- Latoya from Birmingham, Alabama


Dear Latoya:
This is just something that people got completely wrong. You’re right, lions don’t live in the jungle and even if they did, tigers are on average larger, faster, stronger, smarter, and more agile than lions. In most historical accounts of lion vs. tiger battles in Ancient Rome, tigers would usually win. Since lions hunt in packs they don’t need to be as strong and fast as tigers. Tigers are solitary hunters so that gives them a clear advantage in a one on one fight against a lion. Since tigers live in the jungle they should really be the one’s considered kings of the jungle. In truth, humans would best qualify as kings of the jungle. Poachers are killing tigers left and right all the time so it could be argued that man is the most feared beast in the jungle.


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The Top 5 WORST Places To Get Mosquito Bites

There are just certain parts
of your body you need to
keep covered at night.
Getting mosquito bites is one of the worst things about Summer. If you like to sleep naked like me then you better have a mosquito net around your bed otherwise you’re going to risk getting bit in some very uncomfortable places. Here are the top 5 all-time worst places to get a mosquito bite:


5. Lip
The obvious problem with getting bit by a mosquito on your lips is everyone thinks it’s Herpes. Even when you explain to people at the club that it’s mosquito bites they don’t believe you because that’s a popular Herpes excuse.

There are a lot of ignorant people who will think your lip mosquito bite is oral herpes.


4. Feet
The feet are probably the most inconvenient place to get mosquito bites because they’re so far down. You’ve got your feet in socks and shoes all day so there’s no way to scratch them you just have to stand there dealing with the torturous itchiness.

You never want a mosquito bite in between your toes. Good luck scratching that.


3. Eyelid
It’s rare to get bit on the eyelid by a mosquito because there’s not much blood for the mosquito there, but if it happens it’s insanely annoying. Scratching near your eye can be dangerous too if you’re not very careful.

You don't realize how often you blink until there's a mosquito bite on your eyelid.


2. Buttocks
Talk about a pain in the ass, getting mosquito bites all over your ass is awful. The problem is people see you rubbing your ass all over everything at work and think you’re some kind of weirdo. You definitely want to lock the door before you start dragging your ass on the carpet for relief.

Remember when you got mosquito bites on your butt and your mom had to spank them for relief?


And the number one worst place to get mosquito bites is…


1. Genitalia
Mosquito bites on the genitals is the absolute worst. Walking around scratching your genitals is not a good thing to do anywhere. The key is to not make eye contact with anyone while you’re doing this. I REPEAT, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE while you are scratching your genital mosquito bites. If you do that at the train station you might get stabbed, if you do it at work you might get fired. The best thing to do is just covertly rub the bites against things so no one can really tell what you’re doing just be careful you wouldn’t want to get excited because that’s a whole other problem around your coworkers.

Scratching your genital mosquito bites is a great way to ensure you don't get the job.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Bite”

If you possess teeth,
you bite.
Sometimes you’ll be talking to someone at a bar and they introduce you to their slutty friend who looks like she’s swarming with every STD known to man and this woman says “Hi… Why don’t you come sit a little closer. I don’t bite.” You don’t bite? That’s very interesting. How do you eat solid foods? I’d love to watch you try to consume an apple if that’s the case. Of course you bite! We just met and already you’re lying to me. Do you think that’s makes me comfortable talking to you knowing you can just blatantly lie like it’s nothing to you? If you ever tell say “I don’t bite” you better not have any teeth. The only place I should be hearing “I don’t bite” is at a retirement home when I’m trying to pickup GGILFs. Yeah that’s right GGILFs. Great Grandmothers I’d Like to Fornicate with. They definitely don’t bite as long as you keep them away from their dentures.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Save My Marriage?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
My husband and I have been going through a lot of issues for the past few months. We just got married last November and so far it’s not really working out. We almost can’t stand living together, but everyone around me is telling me that we have to make it work. My mom keeps posting quotes on Facebook like “When two people really care about each other they will always look for a way to make it work no matter how hard it is.” Is this true? How can we work to make it better? -- Sharon from Oceanside, New Jersey


Dear Sharon:
I’m sorry to hear that. That’s a very funny quote though. The thing is, it shouldn’t be hard to live with someone if you really care about them. That’s what caring about someone is. Either you like being around them or you don’t. If you do, then that’s the reason you decided to get married in the first place. If you don’t then just leave! As long as you haven’t already shackled yourself with children, there’s really no reason you can’t move on and chalk that marriage up as a mistake and try to grow and learn from it. People make mistakes. That doesn’t mean you have to live with them for years and years. When you allow that to happen you allow your mistakes to define your life and you end up miserable. Don’t define your life by your mistakes, learn from the mistakes and define your life by how well you’ve grown from the lessons you’ve learned. Good luck, Sharon.


You can't get divorced! You're wearing magic rings!


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Dumbass Sayings: “Busting Your Chops”

At least you're not
chopping my chops.
When you’re at school and you find out your parents just died sometimes other students will start laughing and making fun of how you’re an orphan. Then when you start crying they say “Hey man, calm down. We were just busting your chops!” Busting my chops? What the hell is that supposed to mean? What are my “Chops”? What are chops and why are you busting them? I’ve heard the term “Busting balls” or “Breaking balls” so does that mean my chops are my testicles? The only person who should be busting my balls is the hooker I pay to step on them with high heels on, okay? “Busting balls” doesn’t even make sense. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “Busting a nut” then I have no idea why you would ever want to bust another man’s balls or chops or whatever the hell you’re talking about. Leave people’s chops alone!

The Top 5 Benefits To Having Bad Allergies

There are some benefits
to being allergic to plant sperm.
A lot of people are allergic to pollen because it’s basically plant semen. Nature doesn’t want you to get pregnant with a tree baby so you react negatively to this. If you have bad allergies you know how uncomfortable all that sneezing and excess tear and mucus production can be. Fortunately there is a bright side to allergy season. Here are the top 5 benefits to having bad allergies:


5. You always have tissues.
You never know when a tissue will come in handy even when it’s not allergy related. If you spill something on yourself or have an accident in your pants, a wad of extra tissues is very convenient.


4. People leave you alone.
If you have really bad allergies it might look like you have some sort of contagion in your blood and that will make people think twice about harassing you either sexually or for your money as in a mugging. No one mugs someone they think has a severely contagious disease. It’s usually not worth the risk for them.


3. Free prank fluid.
When you have severe allergies one key symptom is excessive mucus production. As we all know mucus is basically “Prank goo.” If you want to play a prank on someone at work just blow some of your copious amounts of nasal mucus onto the earpiece of their office phone. Then you can give them a call and have a good laugh.


2. You can cry whenever you want.
Having bad allergies means your eyes are usually producing excessive amounts of tears. This is a great excuse for crying in public. If people around you know you have allergy problems and they see you weeping like a widow about your personal issues they’ll just assume it’s a ragweed issue and it’ll save you a lot of humiliation.


And the number one benefit to having bad allergies is…


1. Free lube.
Another great use for all that excess mucus is lube. Whether you notice your a door in your office is squeaking or you’re out on a date and you forgot your KY, having loads of crystal clear mucus locked and loaded in your nasal passages can be a great benefit.


No more wasting money on this bullcrap! Natural lubrication is the way to go.

6.25.2014

Dumbass Sayings: “I Love My Wife And Kids!”

Whenever you’re talking to one of your married friends he always says “I love my wife and kids, man. I love them!” That’s all well and good, but the more you say it, the more it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself rather than just stating an obvious fact. Every man is supposed to love their wife and kids. That should be the default setting on your emotions. It doesn’t need to be said constantly. You don’t have to say “I’m breathing. I’m breathing.” all the time. We know you’re breathing, that’s normal. When people say “I’m gonna be okay. I’m gonna be okay.” It’s usually when they’re lying to keep themselves calm in a crisis situation. That’s what it sounds like when you’re saying “I love my wife and kids.” If you don’t love them then that’s something you need to say to a counselor or a therapist. People should just assume you love your wife and kids all the time. It’s sad that we live in a world where loving your wife and kids is a special thing that needs to be highlighted whenever possible. By one guy saying “I love my wife and kids!” all the damn time, it puts pressure on guys who already love their wife and kids and don’t tell people about it. Now they have to overcompensate to stay on par with this insecure moron and before you know it you’ve got thousands of idiots stating their obvious feelings every five seconds. No one needs that.

Don't just sit there! Call a damn ambulance!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Are Narwhals and Unicorns Related?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Narwhals look like whales with long horns and unicorns are horses with long horns so are narwhals and unicorns related in anyway? -- Trayshaun from Queens, New York


Dear Trayshaun:
Good questions. What we do know is that beluga whales are related to narwhals and they look like narwhals without the horn. Unicorns are mythic creatures who haven’t been seen in centuries. I would assume that somewhere along the line a unicorn dove underwater and banged a beluga which led to the world’s first narwhal. The other alternative theory is that the narwhal came first and climbed on land to screw a horse which gave birth to a unicorn, but that’s just crazy. We all know unicorns are magical so it’s not a stretch to assume they can survive underwater long enough to impregnate a horny beluga whale. Thanks for the question, Trayshaun.


Beluga be like "What you think you're better than me because your mother banged a unicorn?"


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Dumbass Sayings: “If You Want Something Done Right You Have To Do It Yourself”

Here's one example of
how this saying is wrong.
Sometimes when you’re at a strip club watching some fat pregnant whore dance badly on stage you mutter to yourself “If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself!” and then you try to jump on stage to dance and get beat half to death by security. Why does that happen? Well it might be because that saying “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself” is not always true. It’s actually not true in most cases depending on how skilled you are and what exactly you’re talking about. For example, if you want to be married to someone the right way you actually can’t do it yourself. You need a marriage officiant. This is to keep people from legally marrying their pets and hookers they just met. If you want to watch a movie you can’t just make your own movie starring, directed, and filmed by you. You could do that, but that’s probably not going to be a great movie. And of course if you want a blow job you need another person. You could do it yourself, but we all know that ain’t right.

6.24.2014

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Is It Embarrassing When You See Someone Wearing The Same Thing?”

Yeah keep staring, bitch.
You know I look better in blue.
Dear McFartnuggets: 
I was at a party the other night and this one girl was wearing the same exact dress I was and I felt really sick to my stomach. For some reason I wanted to eliminate her. I wanted to take her and stuff her into a potato sack and throw her out of a window. I felt so mortified that this girl was wearing the same thing I was. People kept staring and pointing at me like I was some kind of freak for wearing the same dress as her. Why does this happen? Why is it embarrassing when you see someone wearing the same thing as you? -- Josh from Virginia


Dear Josh:
To be honest, I think in your case part of the problem people were having was with a man wearing a dress. Not everyone is comfortable with that concept yet even in today’s age. However, speaking generally, most people like to be original and one of the ways we express our personality and originality is through clothing so when you see someone wearing the same exact clothes it might be threatening. Then when people notice you’re wearing the same thing as someone they usually point it out and that’s what makes it embarrassing. Hopefully you didn’t harm the girl.


Email the questions you have for me to: PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Worst foods To Give To The Homeless

There are some foods you
just shouldn't give to people.
It’s always a nice gesture to give food to the homeless, however there are some foods that are better to donate than others. For example giving a homeless person a pizza or a hamburger would be great because those are filling and easy to eat foods. Here are the top 5 foods to think twice about donating to the homeless:



5. Cheetos
One of America’s favorite snacks, Cheetos is actually not a great food to give to the homeless. The reasons are this: Cheetos aren’t that filling an they’re bad for you, and also they leave a large amount of cheese dust on your fingers and that’s not only annoying, but if you lick the dust off with dirty fingers that can make you sick.

Don't make a homeless person lick their fingers. They could get really sick.



4. Steak tartare
A cooked steak is a decent food to give to the homeless, but a raw one isn’t as good of an idea. When you’re dealing with raw meat it’s very susceptible to attracting bacteria and viruses. If you’re going to bother, just cook the meat and give them a knife and fork.


Enjoy your salmonella!


3. Sardines
Even if you find a homeless person who loves sardines it’s not the best food to give them because of the odor. If they’re panhandling, smelling like old sardines is only going to make their life harder. Then you throw in the fact they’ll be attracting loads of stray cats from around town and it’s just a poor choice for food donation.

Making a homeless person's breath smell bad can really hurt their chances at making money.



2. Taco Bell
Most people love the way Taco Bell tastes even though it’s probably not real food. The problem is, because it’s a combination of artificial meat, cheese, plus Mexican cuisine it causes people’s assholes to shoot liquid fire. Not exactly the gift you want to bestow upon those less fortunate.

A gift and a curse.



And the number one worst food to give to the homeless is...



1. Wheel of cheese
A wheel of cheese is a lot of food and nutrition, but because it’s dairy that could cause some problems. First off the hobo will need a sharp knife to cut into the cheese so that’s not too convenient. Second, if they eat too much cheese too quickly it may cause constipation which is very uncomfortable. And even worse, they might be lactose intolerant which would make them very sick. Think about how torturous it would be to be hungry and lactose intolerant with nothing to eat but a giant boulder of cheese. That’s not cool. Don’t put someone in that situation.

Always ask a hobo if they're lactose intolerant before dropping a wheel of cheese in their lap.