Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Wipe My Dog’s Ass?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My dog is a good, sweet dog. She doesn't bite or attack or go in the house. But sometimes, she scoots her butt on the floor as if to clean it off. They say you're supposed to wipe their butts, one problem though, I do not want to touch a dog butt, don't get me wrong, I am a very responsible pet owner, I just can't wipe her butt, it's too gross. I am at a loss, what should I do? Thank you. -- Yael, from Chicago, Illinois

Dear Yael:

That is a very difficult problem you seem to be facing. As I recommended to another asker, try hosing your dog’s anus down with a light pressure hose outside or in the bathtub (a bathtub is recommended if it’s very cold out). If for some reason that doesn’t work, I would recommend getting a small rug for your floor (if you don’t already have one) and then put a disposable paper tablecloth over it after the dog poops. Then when your dog wipes its ass on the floor there will be a carpet there which provides some asswiping texture and friction to help clean the feces and you can throw the disposable shitpaper away. This could wind up costing a fair amount of money over time, but there aren’t too many other options. Another possibility is to basically set up a cat scratching post covered in toilet paper and see if the dog will wipe its own ass by shimmying its shithole up against the post. This is a long shot, but if it works you’ll be in great shape. Lastly, if all other things have failed I would hire someone to wipe the dog’s ass for you. Get a kid from the neighborhood and offer him a dollar to wipe the dog’s ass every day. It’ll teach him a lesson about making money and your dog will have a fresh anus. Just be a little careful with this as it could provoke some strange reactions from people. A lot of people will think you’ve got some kind of weird perverted arrangement going on. Just calmly explain to them that you can’t handle wiping your own dog’s ass and you wanted to help give a local kid a part-time job. If the parents still get upset I would go back to square one and spray the dog’s ass with a hose. I hope one of these methods works out for you and thanks for the question!

If dogs can be trained to do whatever the hell this is supposed to be, they can damn sure wipe their own ass.

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