Ask McFartnuggets: “What is The Point of Decaffeinated Coffee?

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve seen this thing in stores called “decaffeinated coffee.” This is coffee without caffeine. Who the hell drinks this stuff? Why is it even made? What’s next? Stale grape juice with no alcohol in it? THC-less marijuana? Heroinless heroin? Cocaine that just makes your nose burn? Mushrooms that taste like cow shit and don’t get you high? Molly that doesn’t make you horny? Bath salts that don’t turn you into a zombie? -- Giordano from San Diego, California

Dear Giordano:

Believe it or not some people just like the taste of coffee and don’t want the effects of caffeine. I know it sounds crazy, but some people are crazy and they’re even crazier on caffeine which is why they can’t have it. They want to taste that dark bitter chalk tea without the urge to go on jittery caffeine fueled rampages. Decaf is arguably the most popular drugless form of a product there is. Placebos would have to be next and after that, non-alcoholic beer. The other items you mentioned actually do exist they’re just a lot less popular because the flavor isn’t as enjoyable. Once you get into the more hardcore drugs, versions that only look and taste like them are often purchased by mistake or through trickery on the part of the seller. That’s because people are generally doing the drug solely for the effects and not the taste.

Sometimes we just enjoy the feeling of plugging heroin up the ass without the actual heroin side effects.

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