The Top 5 Benefits to Having The Flu

Having a severe viral respiratory illness is obviously never fun, however there are positives to everything. It’s important to always see the bright side of any situation no matter how negative they seem. Whether you’ve got the Flu or Ebola, there are some benefits to being incredibly sick and here are the top 5:

5. You can get free food.

When you’re at work or a restaurant you can actually get free food by “accidentally” sneezing on people’s dishes. Just walk by and sneeze and make it look like an accident. The person obviously won’t eat the food anymore so if you ask politely they’ll usually let you take it so it’s not being wasted.

Mucus is a great way to mark your territory.

4. No one will mug you.

Criminals like to target people weaker than them and when you’re sick you are physically weaker, but you actually pose a greater threat than a healthy person. If someone’s trying to mug you just sneeze blood all over your money or blow mucus in their face and they should run away. As a thief it’s not worth the risk of their own health for a few bucks. It’s not that they’re scared necessarily, it’s just a cost-to-risk benefit analysis.

You'd be amazed what some well-timed projectile vomiting can do.

3. It strengthens your core.

It’s always a good idea to get the Flu right before bikini season because the sneezing and coughing really works your abdominals and helps you obtain your ideal beach body. Having a cold for a week is like the equivalent of doing 5,000 situps. There’s no way you’d do that willingly on your own while healthy, but when you’re sick you hardly notice it.

The bright side to getting sick is it's like receiving a free copy of this book.

2. You can’t smell farts.

One nice benefit of being sick is you’ll usually have a lot of sinus congestion which leads to a lack of olfactory sense. When you’re completely stuffed up with snot you won’t be able to smell someone farting right next to you which is really great. It basically de-weaponizes and disarms farts. Farts and other foul smells no longer have any power against you. You can’t even taste them most of the time because smell is such a crucial part of tasting things. This means when you have a cold you can go right into a public bathroom after someone has dropped an A-bomb out their ass and be completely ignorant.

Be careful smoking when you've got clogged sinuses. You might not be able to taste if it's been laced with PCP.

And the number one benefit of having the flu is…

1. No one will sexually assault you.

When was the last time you saw someone with the flu being sexually assaulted? Never I’d hope. That’s because when predators are out on the loose and they see someone sneezing and coughing all over the place they tend to avoid those folks. They don’t know if you’ve got the flu or syphilis or even HIV and usually it’s just not worth the risk for them to find out.

If you look like you have HIV that's usually a decent defense. Unless they have HIV, then you're pretty much screwed.