The Top 5 Worst Things To Do When You’re Drunk At Home

It’s a popular human pastime to get drunk out in public at bars and clubs, but sometimes getting drunk at home is just as much fun if not more. The great thing about getting drunk at home is there are typically no cops at your home so the number of things you can legally do is drastically higher than in public. Still, there are some things you’re going to want to shy away from for various reasons. Here are the top 5 worst things to do when you’re drunk at home:

5. Deep fry a turkey.

Deep fried turkey is a delicious dish that’s very satisfying when you’re completely shitfaced, however deep frying a turkey is one of the top causes of housefires in the United States. It’s hard enough to fry one of those bad boys without catching your kitchen on fire when you’re sober so when you’re drunk it’s obviously five thousand times more difficult. If you must deep fry a turkey while drunk, do it on the porch or in the backyard and make sure you have clothes on because that oil will burn.

It's like the fire version of Mentos and Diet Coke, except way more people die.

4. Call people you haven’t talked to in awhile.

One of the most popular activities for people when they’re drunk at home is to call people they haven’t seen awhile like old exes and people they secretly masturbated to. This never ends well. There’s really no scenario where a woman you knew from work 5 years ago will even remember you, much less want to “get together” when you’re slurring your words and audibly weeping.

"Jennifer, it's Steve. Long time no think about. Yes, me am drunk."

3. Give yourself a haircut.

A lot of times when you get drunk at home and you’re staring at yourself in the bathroom mirror for an hour you start to think “I need a haircut.” Then you take out some safety scissors and start hacking away. You think you’re doing a good job until you realize there’s the whole back of your head that you didn’t cut, and that’s how the mullet was invented.

"You know what, I could use a trim, on my head hair too!"

2. Play the knife game from “Aliens.”

Everyone knows that scene in the movie “Aliens” where Bishop the android takes a knife and quickly stabs in between Bill Paxton’s fingers. For some reason when you’re drunk watching this you think “I can do that.” Of course your visual acuity is not what it normally is and with your first stab you drive a kitchen knife straight through the middle of your hand.

Never try to replicate what a sober android can do when you're drunk.

And the number one worst thing to do when you’re drunk at home is...

1. Fondle your nipples while staring at your neighbors through your kitchen window.

We all do some weird stuff when we’re drunk and bored, but you never want to cross the line with other people. Once you start involving the neighbors that’s when things can get ugly in a hurry. Best case scenario when you’re fondling your nips in your neighbor's kitchen window she’ll call the cops. Worst case scenario, her husband is home and he has a rifle. It’s a no-win situation. It’s basically like peeing in your pants. It feels good for about a second until reality kicks in and the urine cools.

Why don't you take a picture, it lasts longer, and it's admissible in court.