If you haven’t figured it out by now we’re all going to die any day now. The trick is to die in a most pleasing fashion. How does one do this you ask? Well please review the following list of the five best ways to die:
5. Surrounded by friends and family.
Of course no one wants to die alone, unless they’re naked having intercourse with a fake vagina. In that scenario it’s probably best that there be no one around to witness that. No, it’s far more appealing to die on a bed with your family and friends surrounding you reading you passages from a Walt Whitman book. That’s a really soothing way to go out.
|Family reunions are one of the more comforting places to die.|
4. While driving a Ferrari.
If you’ve ever seen the Al Pacino movie “Scent of a Woman” then you know driving a Ferrari is one of the things you have to do before dying. The rush is so fantastic that you don’t really care if you end up in a fatal wreck even if there’s a boy in the passenger’s seat who took a job to be your assistant while family was away.
|Speed does kill whether you're referring to velocity or methamphetamines.|
3. While having consensual intercourse.
One of the most famously good ways to die is during consensual intercourse. It’s the epitome of going out on top. I include the word consensual because obviously dying during non-consensual sex would probably be more like a nightmare.
|"Did I leave the oven on?"|
2. In your sleep.
It’s everyone’s dream to die in their sleep. The big appeal of this is that you won’t feel the pain since you’ll be unconscious. You’ll be completely unaware you’re dying, much like you’re completely unaware if you pee or ejaculate when you’re sleeping. When you think about it, isn’t death just ejaculating your soul from your body?
|If you can die sleepfondling your nipples, more power to you.|
And the number one best way to die is...
1. During sleep sex in a Ferrari surrounded by your friends and family.
Obviously if the previous four things were all good ways to die then combining them would create the ultimate positive death scenario. The only trick is fitting your entire family in the car.
|"This isn't a Ferrari... And did you just take Ambien?"|
"Here's $200. Shut up and get in, my family's on their way."