Ask McFartnuggets: “How Come It’s Sexy For A Woman To Eat A Banana, But Not For A Man To Eat a Roast Beef Sandwich?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come it’s considered sexy when a woman eats a banana, but when I eat a roast beef sandwich no one pays attention? This is sexism! I want to be sexy too sometimes, damnit! How come when I make eye contact with a woman at work while eating my roast beef and I wink at her she never reciprocates? Meanwhile if a woman was eating a banana and winked at me I’d be like “Alright, alright, aallrriiight” in the Matthew McConaughey voice. Where is the equality?! -- Mikey from Vermont

Dear Mikey:

I think you need to work on your technique. It’s all about starting off teasing the roast beef. You have to begin very gentle to pique the woman’s interest. You can’t just go teeth first into that sumbitch and start chowing down. That makes it just seem like a guy eating lunch and not a public perverted food fetish act (which you’re intending). I would recommend licking the roast beef slowly and letting the au jus run down your arm and then lick that while you’re locking eyes with a lady. Then spell out the alphabet with your tongue and don’t forget to give some love to the olive on the toothpick. Try that and see what happens!

Nothing impresses a lady like working a nice corned beef sandwich.

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