Nauseating Eggnog Commercial From Old Times

It’s amazing how this company survived after all the lawsuits from people who had unknowingly been ingesting horse batter. On the bright side, many of them reported feeling very fleet of foot and experienced a curious vigor after drinking the eggnog. Those who really enjoyed this were disheartened to learn the recipe was changed. It was kinda like Coca-Cola when it had cocaine in it.

Dumbass Sayings: "Not a Dry Eye in the House"

When someone is making an impassioned eulogy at their grandfather-in-law's funeral people say "There wasn’t a dry eye in the house." Yeah I'd hope not. Eyes need constant moisture. Even when you're not crying your eyeballs should never be 100% dry. There has to be some form of fluid on those puppies otherwise they might begin to suffer abrasions which could lead to permanent vision impairment. The eye drop industry makes millions off the very importance of not having dry eyes. I don’t want to see a house where there are dry eyes. You’d just be walking around in horror seeing people with red, bleeding, cracked eyeballs. That sounds horrifying. Eyeball moisture is completely natural. Basically what I’m saying is we’re all softly crying constantly and it takes a true man to come to terms with this and accept it. I think this saying should be “Not a dry cheek in the house.” That would make more sense because crying hard results in wet cheeks as the tears stream down. If your eyes are wet, big deal.

You'd think babies would never need eyedrops.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Do Blind Children Have Enough Role Models?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My young nephew is blind and I was wondering what kinds of role models can have a blind kid have? Automatically I would think of Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles and Daredevil from Marvel Comics, but how can a blind kid know they’re blind without seeing that they’re blind? Don’t they just have to take our word for it? If that’s the case why not just tell them any musician they love is blind? And about Daredevil, he’s such a great role model for blind kids, except blind kids can’t read comic books! What kind of cruel trick is that? Do they even make comic books in braille for these kids? -- Paul from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Dear Paulie:

Blind role models are all around us even if we can’t see them. Anyone who’s out there living without vision to me can be considered a role model to anyone especially a young blind child. To all the blind people reading this right now you are awesome. I know they can’t literally read this, but you’d be surprised what technology is doing. I’m sure there are programs that can read text out loud or turn text into braille for people. Also, you can’t just tell a blind kid anyone is blind. It might work for a little while, but eventually enough people are going to correct them when they talk about how their role model is blind and they’ll figure out you were lying which leads to mistrust. Lastly, I don’t think they make that many comic books in braille unfortunately, but they do have audiobook adaptations which serve the same purpose for the visually impaired. Thanks for the question, Paul!

Homer was a great poet. There are a lot of blind role models out there you just have to look for them.

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Dumbass Sayings: “I’m Old Enough to Be Your Mother”

Sometimes when you’re hitting on middle aged women at TGIFriday’s one of them will say “I’m old enough to be your mother.” I don’t know how this ever became a popular phrase. This doesn’t make sense because the world record for youngest birth belongs to Lina Medina of Peru. In 1939 she gave birth to a baby when she was 5-years-old. Not exactly a world record you can be proud of or want to see broken, but the fact remains, pregnancy is still hypothetically possible after only five years. So when a woman is saying “I’m old enough to be your mother” she’s proposing a hypothetical and hypothetically just being five years older than someone could make them old enough to be your mother. That makes this saying basically useless. Any woman five years older than you could be your mother and a five year gap isn’t really that difficult to deal with in a relationship. It’s almost a non-factor. If someone says “I’m old enough to be your father” then that’s a little more understandable because the male body doesn’t produce sperm until around 13 years in with 11 years being the earliest. Once you pass into ten years you’re getting into a bit of an age gap. Don’t blame me, blame the Guinness Book of World Records for encouraging these sick bastards.

When a woman uses this line you know she's scraping the bottom of the barrel of excuses for why you can't bang.

The Top 5 Kinds of People That Are Never Homeless

The thing about being homeless is if you’re a certain type of person it’s literally never going to happen to you. Well, it might happen, but it certainly won’t last very long if you’re one of these kinds of people:

5. Inuits

The great thing about being an Inuit is you can never be homeless. If you ever are, you just build yourself an igloo and voila, you’re no longer homeless. If only it were that easy for people in non-arctic living environments.

Look at that fur. You think a hobo can afford that?

4. Dwarfs

When was the last time you saw a homeless dwarf? Now I know they’re smaller so there’s a chance they were there and you just missed them, but generally speaking it is very rare for any adult below 3 feet tall to be homeless. You simply do not see it. Is it magic? We don’t know. What I do know is it’s a serious benefit to being a severely short individual.

Homeless and adorable never mix.

3. Giants

On the flip side of human height, you never see homeless giants either. You definitely would remember seeing that too. They would be kinda hard to miss. Why is this? Perhaps there are homeless giants, but it’s only a matter of time before Billy Crystal or some Romanian circus takes them away and gives them a home. (A likely possibility for homeless dwarfs as well).

Even if there was a homeless giant, police would force them off the streets because they'd be impeding foot traffic.

2. Attractive women

It’s a well known fact that you never see homeless attractive women. Now this is a little controversial because perhaps there are homeless attractive women out there, but without proper hair care, makeup, clothing, and dental care they become unattractive to the naked eye. Well, at that point they’re not attractive anymore anyway so regardless, you never see hot homeless chicks. I think we all know why that is. It’s the female version of if Rambo was homeless. Obviously Rambo would just join the military and have a great career doing what he did best. For hot women it’s the same thing except instead of the military, it’s the sex industry.

A beautiful woman will always have a home somewhere, even if they're mentally ill. That's the type of people men are.

And the number one type of person you never see homeless is...

1. Morbidly obese people

You just don’t see morbidly obese homeless people. This is just not going to happen ever. It’s the one really bright side to being morbidly obese and simultaneously a bright side of being broke. If you’re morbidly obese there are very few scenarios that will lead to you becoming homeless overnight. Usually it’s a process where you gradually lose money and subsequently bodyfat. If by some chance you are homeless as a morbidly obese person it won’t be too long before you start shedding the pounds. It’s one of those rare lose/win/lose situations. There is a win in there though so that’s something to appreciate.

I believe this is called the Morbidly Obese Hobo Paradox.

Dumbass Sayings: “Don’t Put Your Jackets Away Just Yet!”

Usually this time of year you hear weathermen on the news say “Today might be in the 70’s but winter isn’t over so don’t put your jackets away just yet!” This is a really odd cliche. What does putting your jacket away mean? Putting it in the closet? Why can’t I put my jacket in the closet when I’m not wearing it? That’s where jackets go. If it’s the dead of winter do people just put their jackets on a table or a chair or throw them on the floor and never put them away? That’s just lazy. Why is it such a big deal to put my jacket away? I’m not putting my jacket into a fucking security deposit box at the bank. I don’t seal it up and put the shit in a locked trunk in the attic. It’s going to be hanging in the closet like David Carradine the end of the day regardless of what temperature it is outside. Don’t tell me what to do with my clothing!

It's good that they warn you because we've all put our winter coat away too early and ended up regretting it severely when it turned to be cold again.

The Top 25 Names You Shouldn't Give To Baby Girls Anymore

As the times change, so do the names we give to babies. The interesting thing about baby names these days is that you can name a baby boy whatever you want. Even if it’s a very old fashioned name it’ll just turn him into a hipster some day, he can grow a handlebar mustache and it’s fine. Naming a baby girl is a little more difficult because you can’t just throw any Victorian era name on a girl and have that acceptable in the 21st century. There’s no female equivalent of riding a bike with that big front wheel while wearing a handlebar mustache. Women don’t want to go back to that time, they weren’t even allowed to vote. As long as females are running from that past into the future, a lot of old school names will be met with ridicule and mockery. There are an outstanding number of female names seem really weird to give to babies and children. It’s almost like they’re only acceptable for elderly ladies. Here are the top 25 names you don’t want to give to a baby girl in the 21st century:

25. Dolores

24. Betsy

23. Mabel

22. Myrtle

21. Edith

20. Madge

19. Agnes

18. Ethel

17. Sylvia

16. Eunice

15. Constance

14. Wilhelmina

13. Eloise

12. Ernestina

11. Bertha

10. Hester

9. Flossie

8. Eugenia

7. Gertie

6. Bessie

And here are the top 5 names you really don’t want to give to a baby girl in the 21st century…

5. Birdie

A girl named Birdie these days will likely be met with neverending Twitter jokes. I’m sure it was a nice name in the 1850’s but it doesn’t work as a human name anymore.

4. Fannie

Today’s society has a powerful fascination with the human ass and since “fanny” still sort of means ass, this isn’t the best name to give to a kid. You want to keep your kid as far away from twerking as possible and naming them Fannie is just asking for trouble.

3. Pearl

Another nice name turned victim by changes in society and a morphing lexicon. A girl named Pearl will figuratively drown in “pearl necklace” quips and remarks.

2. Hortense

Hortense is a rough name. It’s a strong name. I think that’s because it starts off sounding like “horse.” Of course it also sounds like “whore” which is even worse.

1. Contessa

Contessa is probably the least anachronistic sounding name on this list, however it sounds extremely bad when people try to give your daughter a nickname. Most folks named Contessa go by “Tess” or “Tessa” because using the first part of Contessa sounds highly offensive and can be the source of many years of teasing and bullying.

It's like naming your daughter "Fanny" in England, except worse.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Women Can’t Get Paid as Much as Men Why Not Just Lower Wages For Men?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m totally for wage equality for women. I want there to be a day when women make as much as men do, but that looks like that might never happen. Wouldn’t it then be easier to cut the salaries of men so that they get paid the same as women? Then we have wage equality and that’d probably be easier than finding extra money that probably doesn’t exist to pay women with. Wage inequality is just insane these days.The average salary for a woman basketball player in the WNBA is $75,000 and the average salary for a male basketball player in the NBA is $5,150,000. Obviously I know there’s no money to pay the WNBA players $5.15 million so why not just cut NBA players’ salaries to $75,000. They’re just playing a game for a living for christ sake anyway! -- Rachelle from Newport, Rhode Island

Dear Rachelle:

If we cut male wages I don’t think that would actually benefit anyone besides the companies that are paying wages. It’s economically better for men to be vastly overpaid than to have the companies just keep the money, but from an equality standpoint I do agree that would be a good idea. The issue with the WNBA players ties into the phrase “Equal pay for equal work.” They’re not exactly doing “equal work” considering WNBA games are insanely boring compared to NBA games. There just aren’t enough viewers and advertisers and networks aren’t willing to put as much money into the brand which results in lower pay for the workers. I do think that professional athletes as a whole are overpaid, but that’s a decision we as a society are making to enjoy these sports. We pour our money into tickets and the products being advertised during games. We as a society ultimately dictate how much these athletes, male and female are making. If there are going to be changes made they have to come from us, not the companies. You have an interesting idea, but I don’t think it would work.

We can't realistically expect female football players to get paid like their male counterparts.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Tossing Salad”

Analingus or the act of “eating ass” is frequently referred to “tossing salad” and I never understood this. What type of salads are people eating that make them connect these two things? I know Wendy’s makes a lot of weird salads these days, but I don’t think anything should ever resemble a human rectum. Plus, if it was really like tossing a salad then people wouldn’t get so angry when I used tongs and added an acidic vinaigrette. Unlike, tossing an actual salad, when you’re tossing a figurative salad you never want to see anything that resembles croutons or bacon bits because these are usually shit crumbs and that’s gross. Which leads me to the idea that salads are generally a healthy food and eating ass is not healthy at all. There are no nutritional benefits to eating someone’s butt out and furthermore there are a plethora of illnesses and diseases you can catch from doing this, possibly the most severe of them all being e.coli. Ironically e.coli has been found on some spinach and produce in the past in high profile news stories, but I think that’s where the similarities end.

Ironically, tossing someone's salad is a health code violation in most restaurants.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Type of Alcohol Gives The Worst Hangovers?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m thinking about becoming an alcoholic, but I don’t want to have hangovers. In your expert opinion, which types of alcohol give the worst hangovers? -- Dia from Syracuse, New York

Dear Dia:

Right off the bat, I would highly advise you do not become an alcoholic. It’s not really something you can or should aspire to. It’s like being in love, you can’t force it, you just wake up one morning and realize its happened. As for your question I would have to say, without a doubt, ethyl alcohol aka rubbing alcohol gives the worst hangovers. It’s not even up for argument. Some people think whiskey is pretty bad, but you don’t know true pain until you’ve had a rubbing alcohol hangover. First of all, it kicks in immediately. With other alcohols there’s a good period where things feel great and you get the negative effects later on in the night and the morning after. It’s almost less of a hangover and more like your brain, liver, and heart shutting down and dying. Definitely not recommended! With rubbing alcohol you have to immediately vomit and call poison control. With other alcohols you can vomit later on at your leisure and there’s generally no blood in the vomit.

Skip the aspirin, go right to the emergency room.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Daylight Savings”

Every year sometime around March we take one hour out of our lives and put that into Daylight Savings. Then approximately eight months later in November we take that hour back out of savings and put it back into our day. A lot of people think this is stupid and it should stop. I don’t think it’s a bad idea in theory, it’s just a bad idea in practice. Why do we put one hour into savings and only get back exactly one hour later in the year? What kind of savings account are we using here? It should be called Daylight Checking Time! What we need to do is use a different time bank and find one that can help us accrue some interest on that hour. I think more people would be on board with this Daylight Savings Time shit if by the time November came around we could roll the clocks back a couple days or even a week! Imagine how helpful that would be. There really doesn’t seem to be enough time in life so if we got an extra week every year that would come in very handy. The bottom line is we need a better time investment strategy. Saving one hour and getting one hour back is pointless. We may as well be putting that hour under our mattress. Let’s use that time more wisely and make it work for us.

These Illuminati Freemasons turn a giant clock forward and now we all have to?

The Top 5 Worst Animals To Use For Gerbiling

I’m sure everyone is familiar with the act of inserting a gerbil (preferably living) into one’s anus to produce a unique, invigorating sensation. I can’t say I’m an expert at this, but I do know it’s called gerbiling for a reason. There are just certain animals you never want to use as substitutes for a gerbil and here are the top 5 worst:

5. Lobster

Not only is a lobster a horrible animal to stick up your ass, this will definitely get you kicked out of the restaurant and possibly banned for life (which may not be long if you keep putting lobsters in your ass).

If you absolutely have to, go tail first.

4. Porcupine

Porcupines are just ergonomically not meant for anal insertion. Nothing about them says “Put me in your butt.” Not even the most insane acupuncturist would recommend this.

Dogs can always sense a bad idea.

3. Shark

Letting a shark into your butt might seem like a good idea at first, but then reality sets in and you realize you’ve made one of the biggest mistakes of your life, 2nd biggest if you count your estranged son.

I think you're gonna need a bigger... health insurance plan.

2. Piranha

Why is putting a piranha up your ass worse than a shark? Because piranhas are straight up vicious. Basically all they do is swim around chomping. A shark will at least sniff around for a minute before it gets to biting. Piranhas offer no such luxury.

Have you ever seen piranhas feeding? It's like Satan's jacuzzi.

And the number one animal to never gerbil with is...

1. Honey badger

They say “Honey badgers don’t care” but when you’re trying to put one into your butthole honey badger most definitely DOES care. You’re going to want to keep honey badgers away from your anus at all costs unless you want your craphole to be turned into a sheer disaster zone.

The thing eats beehives and you think your asshole stands a chance?

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Meatballs Are Called Meatballs Shouldn’t Hot Dogs Be Called Meatcylinders?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Yo, why it is that dick shaped meats like hot dogs, sausages, knockwurst, bratwurst, cocktail weenies got so many different names and meatballs are only called meatballs? If meatballs are called meatballs shouldn’t hot dogs and all dem just be called meatcylinders? -- Tyron from Riverside, California

Dear Tyron:

I see what you’re saying, but there are a few things wrong with your point. For starters, a lot of the different names for “dick shaped meats” are from different countries so they’re different names because they’re different words for essentially the same thing. Why there aren’t more national variations for meatballs is a different story. I suppose making meatballs isn’t as complex a process as making sausages so there’s less room for ethnic variations. A meatball is a meatball for the most part unless it’s Swedish or Italian and then we just call them meatballs because no one’s comfortable saying the Swedish or Italian words for that. As to why hot dogs aren’t called “meatcylinders” I think that’s because meatcylinders just sounds weird. Also they would only be called that if meatballs were called “meatspheres.” Meatrod I think would be the proper equivalent and at that point it’s a little difficult to keep your appetite.

Well that's going to skew the average length of a hot dog.

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Dumbass Sayings: “The Business End”

Sometimes you hear a guy at the bar talk about the time he was arrested and the police gave him “the business end” of a broom. People say “the business end” of things like “business” is all about penetrating the human body. What kind of business is that? Depending on what your activity is, either one of the ends of a broom could be considered the “business end.” If you’re sweeping a floor for instance, I think the business end would be the one with the bristles on it. If you’re sodomizing someone in a holding cell then it’d be the other end, but don’t just say “business end” like that’s a thing. And if there is a “business end” to every baton shaped object then that’s the opposite side? “The casual end”? What if you’ve got a double edged personal enjoyment item? Then both ends are the business end. Why even call them business ends at that point? Shouldn’t a double edged personal enjoyment item just be called a “business personal enjoyment item”? If that’s the case why am I chastised for bringing one into the office? See, none of this makes sense!

The business end of a plunger would change depending on if you were in the business of unclogging a toilet or clogging an asshole.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Could There Be a Female Version of Mrs. Doubtfire?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Now that they’re making an all-female version of the “Ghostbusters” I was wondering about other movies they could remake with women as the main characters. Do you think there could be a female version of “Mrs. Doubtfire”? -- Leona from Santa Barbara, California

Dear Leona:

That’s an interesting question. By a female Mrs. Doubtfire I assume you mean a movie where the main character is a woman who pretends to be a man in order to spend more time with their kids in the guise of a nanny. I don’t think this is a good candidate for a cinematic vaginal makeover. In fact, the idea that Robin Williams wasn’t discovered to be Mrs. Doubtfire earlier on was a little difficult to accept considering in the film he was a voice actor and he was the same exact size and build as this English woman not to mention they had the same eyes. In real life, your ex-wife tends to notice these things, as I found out…  Now when you transfer that over to a female character, the suspicion would be multiplied. First of all, it would take a little more work for a popular actress (or Robin Williams female equivalent) to wind up looking like a man. If it was some unknown actress that already looked a bit gruff and burly then maybe that’d be easier to fathom, but let’s say Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone has to become a passable man. Even a Melissa McCarthy wouldn’t be believable as a male nanny in that situation because of her body type. It would be too much of a coincidence for the family or audience to ignore. Then to top it off, they would be pretending to be a man who is applying to be a nanny and housekeeper for their family. In our society that would likely arise suspicion right from the get go. Then when you add in the fact that it looks kinda like a chick that happens to be the husband’s wife, I really don’t think that would work out as well as Mrs. Doubtfire’s original scheme. Then again I could be wrong. I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing it, I’m just saying it would be a lot more difficult to pull off.

Looks like auditions have already started!

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Dumbass Sayings: “Do or Do Not, There is No Try”

The great philosopher Yoda once said “Do or do not, there is no try.” At first this sounds like a nice motivational phrase, but when you really think about it, it doesn’t make much practical sense. For example, whoever truly believes this saying and lives by it must have a lot of poorly fitting pants in their closet. Of course you can try things, it’s perfectly acceptable to try. Trying is part of doing. It’s right at the beginning for a second or two before you’re officially “doing” something. If there was no “trying” then you could never sexually experiment with things. Someone who says “Do or do not, there is no try” probably wishes they had a different philosophy when they all of a sudden jam a dildo up their butt all at once going full force into a new experience. That’s why people “try” stuff because sometimes “doing” is a little too much of a commitment and if there’s a decent chance you won’t like what you’re trying then you want to be in a position where you can back out easily without going straight to an emergency room with an object in your anus. Trying is the key that sparks ignition in the engine of doing.

It's always nice to try something new before jumping in headfirst with no safe word.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Weird to Wear My Dead Grandma’s Underpants?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My grandma passed on last Wednesday and in her will she left me all her clothes. She had some really nice dresses and expensive coats and naturally she left behind underwear. I will wear the dresses and coats no problem, but what about the underwear? I don’t think I feel comfortable taking those from her. Something to me feels a little weird about wearing my dead grandma’s underpants. Thing is, she did put them in her will and wanted me to have them. Would it be wrong for me to not wear them? -- Steve from Jackson, Mississippi

Dear Steve:

I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to wear your grandma’s underwear, dead or alive. I’m surprised you would even wear the dresses, but hey I’m not judging you here, Steve. Clothes are very personal items so it’s totally normal to feel uncomfortable wearing the clothing of your dead relatives. That being said, a part of their spirit lives on in their clothes and wearing them or smelling them can keep their memory alive and help keep them with you at all times. I’m not sure I would smell my grandmother’s panties, but you get what I’m trying to say. You don’t have to wear them, but at least put them in a frame or something or keep them on the mantle. They were a part of her and they should be a part of you in some capacity. Thanks for the question and I hope you deal well with your emotions during this difficult time.

You shouldn't let good candy go to waste.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Lean In”

“Lean in” has allegedly been used as a sports term meaning “to shift one’s body weight toward someone or something.” Since then, the COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg has used it as a female empowerment slogan. I don’t think this is an effective phrase because I doubt anyone knows what “lean in” actually means. This isn’t even a common sports term. When in sports would you actually “lean in”? I suppose if you’re playing basketball with your back to the basket trying to post someone up you would lean against your defender, but that’s more like leaning back. There’s no real leaning in football or baseball. There’s some slight leaning in hockey before faceoffs, but none of that really represents the idea of empowerment. Basically this saying doesn’t even make sense in a sports context much less when it comes to feminism. Why should women be told to “lean in”? If someone told you to “lean in” would you have any idea what that meant? This sounds like something an eavesdropper would do. Leaning isn’t really a strong move. If you’re fighting someone or for something, you wouldn’t lean against it. That’s a passive maneuver. Passive, as in laid-back, the opposite of what is supposedly meant to “lean in.” If you’re fighting for equality and respect you should be kicking people’s teeth in, that’s how men got to their position of power over women to begin with. If you want what men have you have to fight fire with fire and yeah that doesn’t sound like it would ultimately benefit anyone, but what do you want? Equality or a calm society? This slogan perfectly highlights the difference between men and women. Men don’t lean, they charge. Maybe women should be doing more “charging in” instead of “leaning in.”

The Leaning Tower of Pisa should be a very important symbol for the modern women's movement.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Really That Weird to Breastfeed Homeless People?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I was breastfeeding my 12-month old Nathaniel on the subway when I heard a voice say "Yo ma, lemme get at that breast milks..." I looked over to see it was a homeless man with plastic shopping bags on his feet. I was going to entirely ignore him but then he started saying "Please I haven't eaten anything in days. I'm starving to death!" I offered him some money but he said he needed food now or he was going to pass out. I didn’t let him suck directly from my tittie, but I did squeeze some milk out into a coffee cup for him. Everyone was staring at me, but is this really that weird? -- Naomi from Queens, New York

Dear Naomi:

That was a very nice thing you did. It shouldn’t be a big deal to squeeze some breastmilk out for a homeless person every now and then. We’re all human beings. I think some people might be reluctant to do that because they’re stingy and selfish with their titmilk. They think it’s made solely for their baby and no one else. At least this is what women tell me when I ask for some. Now there’s nothing wrong with giving a homeless some milk, but actually letting them suckle from your bosom might be seen as a little weird. Even if the homelessman has no diseases and is careful with his teeth, you still need to have him stretch out on the subway seat and lay in your lap which isn’t really advisable especially if there are a lot of people on the train. Should they stand while a homeless person is being breastfed by a kind person? Yes. Will they want to? Hell no.

No this isn't an olde tyme telephone, it's a breast pump.
Hello, operator? Connect me with deliciousness!

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