Dumbass Sayings: “70 Is The New 20”

I had this really old lady come up to me the other day and say “What’s new, sugar laddy? You want a seasoned lady with experience to show you around the boulevard? You know 70 is the new 20…” Okay first of all this is why I don’t like to visit my grandparents in the retirement home. I would have been quite flattered if I didn’t find out she was a prostitute. It is the oldest profession, in this case very literally. 

70 isn't even the new 20 in dog years.

Look, if I want to have sex with a 70-year-old I’ll just stuff an old parachute covered in talcum powder into a half empty can of Pringles. How on Earth is 70 the new 20? That would mean 80 is the new 30. (What’s with all the people dying when they’re in their 30’s?) That would mean 60 is the new 10. That would mean 50 is the new being born. That would mean 0 is the new negative 50. That means the second you come out of your mother’s vagina you’ve already warped 50 years into the past. I’m sorry, I don’t agree with all this business of vanishing time and 50 being the new 40 or 30 being the new 13. 70 is still 70. Why can’t that be good enough for people? Be happy you’re 70. Life expectancy was never this high. 70 was the old dead.

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