Dumbass Sayings: “Help Me Help You”

How about you just
help me.

Sometimes when you’re choking to death on ravioli at Olive Garden and you run up to someone for help they look at you all confused. They ask you “What’s wrong?” You motion to your throat and do the choking gesture and they say “I don’t know what you’re saying! What’s wrong?! Help me help you!” What kind of ridiculous ass remark is this? I’m DYING OVER HERE and you want ME to help YOU? What the hell is the point of that? If I was in any position to help people I would just help myself and I wouldn’t need your dumbass in the first place! When you go to people for help it’s because you can’t help anyone else so when someone says “Help me help you” what they’re trying to say is “I really don’t want to help you so please leave and take your choking ass to someone else.” Look, if you don’t know the Heimlich Maneuver just say so, don’t waste my precious time here, old lady. I ended up slamming my sternum against the table and coughed up the raviolis and this bitch claimed she saved me because I helped her help me.