|Farting while measuring|
a tortoise. Not ideal,
but not terrible.
There are really never any GOOD times to fart, but there certainly are horrible times to fart. Whenever you feel that urge to pass gas just take a moment to stop, look around at your surroundings and think “How will this fart affect this environment and the people in it? And is farting right now really best for my future?” When you ask those questions before a fart you realize that there are certain situations in which you should never fart and here are the top 5:
5. The shower
If you’ve ever made the mistake of farting in the shower with curtains locking the odor in and hot water vaporizing it you know this is a horrible place to fart. The only positive is that when you vomit, it can go right down the drain.
|Farting in the shower is like putting yourself in a gas chamber.|
4. An elevator at work
Even if you’re alone in the elevator it’s never safe because almost as soon as you let one go the elevator will stop. No one knows why this happens, it’s just one of life’s little pranks. The moment you fart, the elevator stops and a bunch of people get on and there’s no question as to where that horrific smell is coming from.
|You know it was a bad fart when everyone lunges for the alarm button.|
3. The kitchen when you’re making a souffle
When you’re making a souffle it’s important to not make any sound so blasting a giant dinosaur fart is not only gross to do before a meal, but if it ruins the souffle your grandma is going to be very upset.
|There's enough gas in the oven without you adding your own brand.|
2. A barber’s chair while you’re getting a shave
This is one of the most dangerous situations to fart in. When there’s a man holding a straight razor up to your carotid artery the last thing you want to do is surprise and shock him with a loud fart. The hand can slip and slice your throat open. It is possible to die like this. Is a fart worth your life?
|Don't do anything that could trigger sudden movements.|
And the number one worst place to fart is…
1. In a closet while hiding from a murderer
When a murderer is in your house and you’re hiding in the closet with 9-1-1 on the line the operator asks you to stay on the phone so they can hear what’s going on. The last thing you want to do is fart and embarrass yourself in front of the operator. Plus, the murderer will hear and even if the sound doesn’t lead him to you, the lingering smell will.
|She tried Dutch ovening the fart to hide it, but the killer still found them.|