Ask McFartnuggets: "Afraid of Being Shot at Work" and "Caught Baitin'"'

Just wear one of these to work!
Dear McFartnuggets: Due to the scary rise in gun violence in America, I am growing ever more concerned with the possibilities of being shot at work. I really hate my job and the last place I want to die is at work. Any advice? -- Emmanuela Peckerface from Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Mrs. Peckerface: I totally get where you're coming from. If I had a job I'd be scared shitless too. Sounds like you've got "Ballistophobia" which is the fear of being shot. It's a fairly common fear, don't worry. You mentioned you hate your job though, so that's actually a good thing. At least if you do die in a shooting at work you get the day off. Look at it like that, you'd never have to go back again! There are also other things you can do like purchase a bulletproof vest. Wear it under your clothes at work and if anyone asks say you're starting to give up smoking and gaining weight or something. This may be a problem if you're a stripper or work at Hooters. Still, it's worth a shot...

Dear McFartnuggets: My librarian caught me masturbating. It was very embarrassing! She said "HEY! STOP THAT OR I'M CALLING THE COPLICE!" What does that mean? -- Whackin' It in Colorado

Dear Whackin': That's messed up. I can only imagine how embarrassed you must have felt. I've found that libraries are not really the best places to pleasure yourself, I don't care how much you love looking for Waldo! It's not worth it. And as far as what the librarian said, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "Cops" and "Police" at the same time because she panicked and shocked by what she was witnessing. Those types of irrational conjunctions are not uncommon when someone catches you "sauteing the pork chop" especially in public because it's not a common everyday occurrence most people are used to. Hope that helps!

If you're gonna bate at the library, keep it down.
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