Public Bathroom Etiquette For The 21st Century

For many people, how to deal with a public bathroom is not necessarily a rite of passage taught to you by your parents. It's pretty much a crapshoot and you just learn over time through first hand experience. That said, a lot of adults are still clueless about bathroom etiquette and they do things unknowingly that make others very uncomfortable. There used to be a time in American history where people had no fear of using public toilets, it was like going out to get the mail. These days it's one of the top fears on everyone's daily list. Here's a list of five mistakes you might be making in the public bathroom:

5). Talking to Siri while taking a crap. - Look we get it, you have an iPhone, you're cool, you're trendy. You're also rocketing lava out of your ass right now, so let's take it easy. If you're going to ask her something how about the location of the nearest gastroenterologist because from what I'm smelling there is something seriously wrong with your intestines.

4). Stepping out of the stall after crapping and slapping someone on the back or drunkenly grabbing their face. - There isn't enough Purell in the world to fix that. It's just rude and disgusting.

3). Loitering to use your iPad on the toilet when there's a line. - When you hear someone knocking that means it's time to close out Angry Birds and start wiping, jackass.

2). Shaking your wet hands off and getting water everywhere after you've only rinsed them with a little bit of water and no soap. - I have no idea how dirty your hands are when you do this, but at least grab a paper towel and if there are none at least use soap otherwise I have to go get tested after a droplet hits me in the eye.

1). Not flushing the toilet after a horrendous bowel movement. - I have absolutely no idea why people do this. If leaving the toilet unflushed is some sort of prank then that doesn't make sense because you never get to see it pay off. And I'll tell you what, it is a prank because whenever I end up using a toilet in a public bathroom it's always a last second emergency and I have to jump on the seat in milliseconds and the feces blasts out at lightning fast speeds which ultimately results in splashback. I don't think I have to tell you, but there is absolutely nothing in this world more awful than having another person's business in yours.

If you've read this list and are guilty of any of these things please do the world a favor and correct your behavior immediately. Especially the last one, come on. It's common courtesy.