Ask McFartnuggets: "Was Dick Clark's Sister Named Vagina Clark?" and "Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp Ripoff"

A much less flaccid Dick Clark.
Dear McFartnuggets: Dick Clark passed away recently and it got me to thinking, did he have a sister? And if he did, was that sister named Vagina Clark? Thanks for answering. -- Rodrigo N. from Hawaii

Dear Rodrigo: My research shows that Dick Clark only had a brother, Bradley Clark. And no, his nickname wasn't "Pecker" or something so don't even bother guessing that. Even if Dick Clark did have a sister and their parents did decide to name her to match Dick, her name wouldn't have been "Vagina". Her name would only have been "Vagina" if Dick's named was "Penis". But because his name was "Dick" the appropriate analogous female term to that would be "Box" and I sincerely doubt people would have named their daughter "Box" back then or even now. Thanks for the question.

Dear McFartnuggets: I went to La Langosta Roja (Red Lobster) for din din a few years ago to take advantage of the Endless Shrimp promotion, but when I showed up they served several separate shrimp! They said 'ENDLESS' shrimp! I was expecting one super long shrimp that had no end! Then after my furious rage storm subsided, el jefe de la Langosta Roja refused to give me a discount or gift card. What the F, yo!? -- Amanda from Portland, Maine

Dear Amanda: Did you seriously expect a literal endless shrimp? That's insane. Even if the shrimp they brought you was 5,000 feet long and they had to punch a hole in the windows to allow it to extend outside, it would still eventually have to come to an end. There's no way they could serve a shrimp that encircled the globe an infinite amount of times. If that were the case the entire planet would be covered in a neverending shrimp rope. Life itself would not even be possible. Now if you went in expecting shrimp with their asses simply cut off, then I could sympathize with your confusion, but that's ridiculous.

Mmm... Look at that tasty shit streak!
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