How to Keep Yourself From Sleeptexting

If you're a sleepwalker and a sleeptalker then there's a good chance you may have experienced the embarrassment of texting while sleeping. You'll wake up one morning thinking it's just another day when a random person in your contacts texts "WTF?!" because they just read the most racist thing ever written by a human being and they think it's from the awake version of you. Everyone knows a sleeping person isn't the same person as the conscious person, it's like when you haven't had a Snickers, you turn into Joe Pesci or Gilbert Gottfried or a mental patient. I'll never forget the time I got a text from my boss asking me if I could come in early that day and while sleeping I typed back "I'll fan your pussy". Now thankfully my autocorrect changed the original F word I was trying to type into "fan", but it still got me fired.

Sleeptexting is always a risk every time you fall asleep no matter where you hide your phone because you're always capable of operating your phone while unconscious when you're accustomed to the passwords and other security features. So what can you do to make sleeptexting near impossible? Put on thick winter gloves before you go to bed and if you're an extreme sleepwalker then you may have to duct tape the gloves to your wrists accordingly. Use more tape the more insane you get when you're asleep. If you're the type of person who drives to Red Lobster and takes a dump in the kitchen while you're asleep then you might want to use an entire roll of tape. This is one situation where the stupid fact that you can't use your smartphone with gloves on can pay off.

Of course if you're a threat to sleeptext then you're probably also a threat to sleepcall or use sleep-speech-to-text, in which case you should wear a sleep apnea mouth guard and use any leftover tape to trap that in your mouth. If by some chance none of this works, then just send out a mass text before you go to sleep to let people know that you're going to bed and they should just ignore anything you say for the next eight hours because it's probably going to be very offensive and awful.