Ways To Help Out on "Small Business Saturday"
1). Buy doomsday survival supplies at your local mom and pop hardware and grocery stores. If the end is coming at least you can rest easy knowing that you helped out a small business instead of the ravenous big corporations that may one day be responsible for the actual zombie apocalypse by way of their weird processed food additives and shoddy quality checking processes.
2). Pay a hobo to entertain you. Instead of spending 500 dollars on a Lady Gaga concert, why not go out with a fraction of the money and look for a homeless person to put on a show for you? There are literally thousands of very lovely, talented hobos out there who are in dire need of money and many are great performers. If you're drunk enough you might not even be able to tell the difference between them and Lady Gaga anyway, odds are they'll be dressed similarly. So instead of lining the pockets of established stars, why not take a night off from that and make a difference in a real person's life instead?
3). Call up a midget phone sex hotline. Yes this counts as a small business since it is run by small people. Plus, phone sex lines are running out of business fast considering how popular the internet pornography has gotten with young people these days. You don't even need to be into midgets because the great thing is sometimes they sound just like normal heighted people, but if midgets are your thing then BONUS! Don't just call up normal phone sex hotlines and ask the woman to pretend she's a dwarf, that's awkward and strange for everyone.
Just imagine what kind of world we would be living in if everyone did these three simple things every Small Business Saturday. And the great thing is you don't have to wait for a Small Business Saturday to do them either, I know I don't! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make a phone call.