Ask McFartnuggets: "Awkward Situation at Lady Foot Locker"

Dear McFartnuggets: I'm currently trying on a pair of Nike women's cross training sneakers at the local Lady Foot Locker and the man who works here is acting very strange. When he was measuring my feet he began rubbing them and staring at me. He has invited me to his car. What should I do? -- Creeped Out in Ohio

Dear Creeped: GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING AND RUN! DO NOT GO INTO THE VAN! Oh crap. I just realized I won't be posting this for another day or seven. Well... There's really no time for me to help you out here. I just hope to god you got away. If you did, please contact me back so I know you're okay. As a general rule you should choose to measure your own feet at the shoe store. It's not rocket science. You just stick your foot on that filthy metal contraption and figure out how big your foot is using the lines and the slidey thing. There's no reason to get a man who's chosen to dress like a WNBA referee involved. It's like letting a man at Victoria's Secret adjust your bra for you. Feet are just the same as breasts to some of these creeps. You have to keep that in mind. It's a sick world out there and you have to be vigilant. Certain things are not as innocent as they seem. Jesus, I just hope you got out of there. Thanks for the question either way!

If you have any questions, hopefully not THIS serious that would be better put to local law enforcement or mall security, please email them to PizzaTesticles@Yahoo.com!

How to Improve the Smell of Your Poop

Believe it or not, there are some things you can do to make your poop smell better. Of course it's always going to smell relatively bad, that's the whole point of feces. You can't ask feces not to stink, that's like asking an angel not to fly.

One thing I like to do is eat a lot of flowers. Eat very pungent, aromatic flowers that have a nice strong floral scent like roses and crushed lilac. If I can't get my hands on any fresh flowers sometimes I'll opt for potpourri. You have to be careful with potpourri though, make sure you know what's in it. You never know when some whacked out hippie has put bath salts in there intending it to be smoked. Sure it won't mask the crap smell entirely, but it will lighten the stench a bit. If you're used to having tears streaming down your face then perhaps nothing can help you aside from eating less red meat, but I've found flowers help for me. Plus, it's great fiber and you can even leave your poop in the toilet like a little floral arrangement to enhance the ambiance in the bathroom.

Now this next one I haven't fully tested out, but try eating a lot of pineapple. Scientists say pineapple makes your bodily fluids taste better whether it's semen or vagina sauce so maybe it makes butt sweat smell better. If it does in fact have a positive impact on buttsweat and poop mucus then that's going to make a noticeable difference for the overall turd package. Of course the biggest thing to remember here is that pineapple improves the flavors of things so this may not work. I have no doubts that it would make your poop TASTE better, but the smell is a wildcard in this equation.

The last thing is, I saw this episode of "My Strange Addiction" where a woman eats roll on deodorant. It's very unhealthy for you, but if she was able to survive for years then it should be reasonably safe. Then again there's the chance she was only pretending to be hooked on it to get on the show which I have a sinking feeling is what's happening. Who the hell eats deodorant? And why are all the women who eat weird stuff overweight Black women? It can't be a coincidence. Anyway, what I do know is that her poop must have smelled terrific. So please have a big bowl of pineapple, potpourri, and Lady Speed Stick and write back with what's happened, assuming you're still alive.

How to Keep Your Ex From Posting Naked Photos of You Online

We've all been there, you get out of an abusive or bad relationship and within a week you find all your naked photos posted a link someone puts on your Facebook wall. It's awful, it's embarrassing, and it can ruin your life. So how do you keep this from happening?

The only real way you can is to make sure you never send anyone you're in a relationship naked photos of videos of yourself unless you get one from them. The only way to avoid future embarrassment is to make a fair trade of nude photos with the other person. If they want to see you naked you have to request one of them or there's no deal. That way when the relationship is destroyed, the decision to post naked pics of each other will be a stalemate.

It doesn't matter how proud you are of your body, no one wants their naked pics emailed to their grandmother or submitted to some weird website. So if you're currently in a relationship where you're the one who's been sending all the nude photos make sure to try and even the score by getting some of their nude photos as an insurance policy. It's just the smart thing to do.

One Million Moms versus The Geico Pig

A group of 1,000,000 mothers is boycotting Geico and asking them to pull their commercial that features a pig and a woman being stranded in an broken down car. The group says the ad promotes sex with animals because the woman is coming onto the pig. The important thing to note is that the pig is completely oblivious to her overtures. He decides to play "Fruit Ninja" on his iPhone instead of porking her. Now if the commercial showed the pig raising his eyebrow to the camera and pulled back to show the exterior of the car shaking back and forth while Porky started tappin' dat ass THEN I would say the commercial might be pushing the limits of what's acceptable, but that's sadly not what happened at all.

There are loads of similar ads featuring the Red, Green, and Brown M&M in adult situations, but will One Million Moms complain to the Mars chocolate company for encouraging children to blow M&M's? Those M&Ms are in loads of sexual situations, but no one takes it seriously because they're anthropomorphic chocolates and no one could ever have sex with them, BUT A PIG! Now you're talking! Call me crazy, but I'd bone a talking M&M over a talking pig any day of the week. So what's the real threat to kids here, this idiotic talking pig freak or that sexy ass Green M&M?

Ask McFartnuggets: "Was Dick Clark's Sister Named Vagina Clark?" and "Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp Ripoff"

A much less flaccid Dick Clark.
Dear McFartnuggets: Dick Clark passed away recently and it got me to thinking, did he have a sister? And if he did, was that sister named Vagina Clark? Thanks for answering. -- Rodrigo N. from Hawaii

Dear Rodrigo: My research shows that Dick Clark only had a brother, Bradley Clark. And no, his nickname wasn't "Pecker" or something so don't even bother guessing that. Even if Dick Clark did have a sister and their parents did decide to name her to match Dick, her name wouldn't have been "Vagina". Her name would only have been "Vagina" if Dick's named was "Penis". But because his name was "Dick" the appropriate analogous female term to that would be "Box" and I sincerely doubt people would have named their daughter "Box" back then or even now. Thanks for the question.

Dear McFartnuggets: I went to La Langosta Roja (Red Lobster) for din din a few years ago to take advantage of the Endless Shrimp promotion, but when I showed up they served several separate shrimp! They said 'ENDLESS' shrimp! I was expecting one super long shrimp that had no end! Then after my furious rage storm subsided, el jefe de la Langosta Roja refused to give me a discount or gift card. What the F, yo!? -- Amanda from Portland, Maine

Dear Amanda: Did you seriously expect a literal endless shrimp? That's insane. Even if the shrimp they brought you was 5,000 feet long and they had to punch a hole in the windows to allow it to extend outside, it would still eventually have to come to an end. There's no way they could serve a shrimp that encircled the globe an infinite amount of times. If that were the case the entire planet would be covered in a neverending shrimp rope. Life itself would not even be possible. Now if you went in expecting shrimp with their asses simply cut off, then I could sympathize with your confusion, but that's ridiculous.

Mmm... Look at that tasty shit streak!
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The Worst Thing About Being The Guy From "Memento"

Sometimes you see a movie and you really wish you were the main character in the movie. You wish you could somehow pray to god and the lord would transport your soul out of your own crappy life to put it into a universe where movies are real and into the body of the protagonist in a specific film. You know it isn't possible, but you keep praying for this every single night of your life as you fall asleep clutching your giant Vermont Teddy Bear and kicking your legs in anger on your water bed. Well "Memento" isn't one of those movies. If you haven't seen it "Memento" is a movie about a guy who can only remember things for a few minutes before his brain erases all his short term memories and he has absolutely no idea what the hell is going on.

There are clearly a lot of reason why it would suck to be this Memento guy, but I have to say the main one that I would feel the worst about is dealing with taking a crap. Let's say you're Memento and you need to take a dump. Most dumps take more than the amount of time Memento can remember so he's probably waking up on the shitter having no idea how far along into the dump he is. He doesn't know if he just started, if he's almost done, if he IS done and should start wiping, or if he already finished wiping and flushed and he was just hanging out reading.

If I was Memento I'd probably end up dying on the toilet because by the time I figured it was time to stand up and finish the day I'd have my memory erased and wake up all over again sitting on the crapper. I'd keep regaining consciousness with a fricken beard and mustache smelling like crap wondering what the hell was going on and then I would die a horrible slow, torturous death that felt like dying a thousand times all on the toilet. THAT is why I would not want to be Jeffrey Memento or whatever the hell his name was.

520 Million Year Old Sea Creature Found Near China!

No, it's not Betty White's childhood goldfish... A Fuxhianhiid, a type of crustacean was found off the Southwest coast of China. Now before you start asking when it'll be appearing on the Red Lobster menu, it was just a fossil and they don't see food THAT differently! Regardless, this is a huge discovery for the marine biologist community and is sure to be noted as one of the most important days ever in marine history. Just be careful when talking about this at work tomorrow. You don't want to say "Hey did you hear they found a fuxhianhuiid?" The person might misunderstand what you just said, think it was an insult and next thing you know you're getting your ass handed to you by a customer at IHOP, getting your skull beat in with a bottle of boisenberry.

"Fuxianhuiid" is a tough word. One wonders why they give it a name like that. Isn't it ironic that the oldest creatures have the most complex sounding names? You'd think it'd be the opposite and we could just call super old shit "Dahh" or something a little more befitting the way a caveman historian might refer to it. Cavemen probably didn't give a Phoberomys' ass about fuxianhuiids. It's comforting to know that the more time passes, the more interesting things become. Maybe in 500 million years aliens will be drooling over our crusty tube socks.


Ask McFartnuggets: "Afraid of Being Shot at Work" and "Caught Baitin'"'

Just wear one of these to work!
Dear McFartnuggets: Due to the scary rise in gun violence in America, I am growing ever more concerned with the possibilities of being shot at work. I really hate my job and the last place I want to die is at work. Any advice? -- Emmanuela Peckerface from Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Mrs. Peckerface: I totally get where you're coming from. If I had a job I'd be scared shitless too. Sounds like you've got "Ballistophobia" which is the fear of being shot. It's a fairly common fear, don't worry. You mentioned you hate your job though, so that's actually a good thing. At least if you do die in a shooting at work you get the day off. Look at it like that, you'd never have to go back again! There are also other things you can do like purchase a bulletproof vest. Wear it under your clothes at work and if anyone asks say you're starting to give up smoking and gaining weight or something. This may be a problem if you're a stripper or work at Hooters. Still, it's worth a shot...

Dear McFartnuggets: My librarian caught me masturbating. It was very embarrassing! She said "HEY! STOP THAT OR I'M CALLING THE COPLICE!" What does that mean? -- Whackin' It in Colorado

Dear Whackin': That's messed up. I can only imagine how embarrassed you must have felt. I've found that libraries are not really the best places to pleasure yourself, I don't care how much you love looking for Waldo! It's not worth it. And as far as what the librarian said, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "Cops" and "Police" at the same time because she panicked and shocked by what she was witnessing. Those types of irrational conjunctions are not uncommon when someone catches you "sauteing the pork chop" especially in public because it's not a common everyday occurrence most people are used to. Hope that helps!

If you're gonna bate at the library, keep it down.
Write all your questions to my business email PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Why Doesn't Tony The Tiger Wear Pants?

Have you ever wondered why the CEO of Frosted Flakes Anthony Tigerschultz aka Tony the Tiger doesn't wear pants in his commercials? How is this acceptable behavior for a breakfast cereal representative? Sure the Trix Rabbit doesn't wear pants but he doesn't wear any clothes at all so it's excusable. Tony on the other hand wears a neckerchief. So we're establishing that in his world there are clothes and accessories to wear on your person, but he opens the closet in the morning and only reaches for a red ascot... That's a disturbing sign. If you're going to go naked, go hard or go home. No one should be naked while wearing a hat.

Tucan Sam doesn't wear any clothes, but he's a bird so that's fine. The Dig 'em Frog from Honey Smacks doesn't wear pants, but he wears a jacket and shirt long enough to reach down past his genitals. The problem with Tony the Tiger is that he's a tiger and tiger's genitals are well known for their aphrodisiac properties. You can't have a Tiger running out around kids with his tiger balls in people's faces. That is entirely unacceptable, I don't care how great Frosted Flakes are. Put some pants on that tiny legged son of a bitch!

The Top 1 Reason Why World Records Are Stupid B.S.

Why is it that world records can be for the most ridiculous things like most bowling pins juggled, but they won't accept most dildos juggled? Isn't the concept of juggling bowling pins insane when you think about it? How much more insane is juggling dildos? At least that's something you have lying around the house! But my real problem with world records is underpants.

When you think about underpants and world records, what immediately springs to mind? Obviously the most impressive thing you can do with underpants would have to be wearing the same pair as long as humanly possible! But no, they have a world record for most pairs of underpants worn all at once (302). How come there's no world record for most days wearing the same pair of underpants?! I'll tell you why, because the Guinness people would have to go around checking homeless people and that's not something they want to do. God forbid you pull a hobo's drawers down and carbon date his tattered and stained briefs for two damn seconds!

These are people who could use more world records as a sign of achievement, to leave a lasting legacy behind and have their lives actually mean something and you're going to give that honor to some dipshit who slaps on 302 pairs of underpants in their spare time? That's outrageous and this is the type of thing that's wrong with the world right now. It might not be the exact reason for most people's suffering, but it's nipping at the root of the problem.

Deadly Hot Air Balloon Explosion in Egypt Sparks Questions About Balloon Safety

That doesn't look dangerous at all!
After a joyous hot air balloon trip ended in a fiery explosion and the death of 19 tourists, the ballooning community is scrambling for answers. How could something like this happen and what is being done to make sure it never happens again? Hot air ballooning is perhaps the slowest and safest ways to travel by air so for something tragic like this to happen is an outrage.

One issue being brought up is security screening. Are people being checked thoroughly before they board a hot air balloon the same way they would if they were boarding an airliner? Am I saying a pregnant woman should be forced to drink her own breast milk and have her body fondled before she's allowed to get in a hot air balloon basket, no of course not, but the search for answers must start in the obvious places. Was it an act of terrorism? That's the first thing most people think about in a post 9/11 world when it comes to air disasters. Is hot air balloon terror the new blight facing the quest for world peace?

Are the hot air balloons equipped with proper fire protection? Should passengers be in special heat suits to prevent burning to death in an explosion? These are all questions that need to be answered soon before the hot air ballooning industry feels the pain of this tragedy.

Everything You Need To Know About The Government Seacrester

As President Obama has warned, unless major political action is taken soon, Ryan Seacrest will continue to get jobs hosting various television shows. The "Seacrester" that everyone is talking about is the decision to cut major primetime TV show's budget for their hosts and correspondents. Is Ryan Seacrest negatively affecting the economy by singlehandedly taking up several jobs that any American could do? Some people say no, but his public support in general has been waning.

The problem with the Seacrester is that if he is able to continue down this path of hosting shows and interviewing celebrities then he could negatively impact the economy and change everyday life for all Americans. We've seen what happened with Carson Daly. There was a guy who only hosted "TRL" and still manages to be on TV hosting his own show and "The Voice". If that's the path Carson Daly has been allowed to take, just imagine the wreckage that will be left behind in the wake of Ryan Seacrest if things do not change. Unfortunately it's all up to Congress at this point.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Why Are People Celebrating the 20th Anniversary of the WTC Bombing?"

Dear McFartnuggets: It's been 20 years since the World Trade Center bombing in 1993. Why do you think people are making a big deal about this? Celebrating the 20th anniversary of this event seems a little odd considering 9/11 happened. I'm not saying the families shouldn't keep mourning the people who were lost in 1993, but it's kind of like being upset about how your dog got lost once when he was a puppy now that he's dead after living 8 more years. -- Baffled in Brooklyn

Dear Baffled: Wow. That is incredibly offensive. Of course these people have a right to make a big deal about this! What if it was your family who died that day? Would that bombing in 1993 be any different to you than if they had died in 9/11? I mean sure 9/11 was a MUCH bigger deal which has affected the entire course of world history, but many say that the bombing in 93 was a major precursor and almost like a catalyst to 9/11 so when you consider all that you can pretty much group those deaths into one. Those people were all killed by terrorists and so their deaths are more meaningful than others. I think you're just jealous because when you die no one's going to be mourning you 20 years later on the news, unless something really bad happens which I hope it doesn't. GOOD DAY, MADAM!

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The Problem with 9-Year-Old Rapper "Lil' Poopy"

This new child rapper "Lil' Poopy" is getting a lot of criticism for rapping about "Coke" and slapping a woman's ass in a music video. I'm not sure I have a problem with this though because he's clearly rapping about Coke as in "Coca Cola" and while that's not the best thing for a 9-year-old to be drinking, it's not illegal or anything.

As far as slapping a woman's ass, the baby in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" did that. Sure it was a cartoon and it had the mind of a 40-year-old dude, but who's to say Lil' Poopy isn't the same. If it's okay for a cartoon it's okay for real life. Everyone knows that. Also, some 9-year-olds still breastfeed. Some people even breastfeed off of women that aren't their mothers. That's all okay, but slapping a woman's ass isn't? Just be glad he wasn't drinking her boob milk.

The real problem with "Lil' Poopy" is the fact that he's probably never going to maintain his fame. The reason he can't is because he's going to be known as "Lil' Poopy" for the rest of his life. "Lil Bow Wow" is still called "Lil Bow Wow" even though he's stated his wishes to be known as "Bow Wow". He's still Lil' Bow Wow to everyone no matter what. If you think THAT'S bad, wait till it's Lil Poopie's turd-- I mean turn. That's going to be extremely difficult to get through. He could kill a guy as a 25-year-old and we'd all be talking about "The Murder Trial of Lil Poopy".

Prince William and Kate Middleton's Baby Vs. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's Baby?

The babies of Prince William/Kate Middleton and Kanye West/Kim Kardashian are the hottest fetuses around right now. The question everyone's asking is "Which baby is going to be more successful?!" This is a very divisive topic of conversation, everyone has their own strong feelings on this one. If you were going just based on genetics and logic you would assume Kim Kardashian and Kanye's baby isn't going to be the brightest star in the sky, but I'm hoping the baby grows up to invent the cure for Cancer. Imagine how crazy that would be. No one would see that coming at all. It'd be like the complete opposite of 9/11, but with that same level of shock and disbelief.

Because of the fame of these two babies they are going to be linked forever. Many people are already booking this couple of babies to be the super power couple of the next generation effectively merging the England and the United States forever. It would be the best that our respective cultures have to offer, uniting like true allies. Of course the offspring of the Prince will be forced to stay within the royal family, but perhaps its love for the Kim and Kanye baby will be so strong that both nations will realize how lucrative a reality show based on their romance would be and sacrifice everything for that. This is certainly a situation to keep an eye on as years go by. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. Let's take this one step at a time and just enjoy the inevitable Fetus Jubilee.

What Your Farts Say About You

Someone needs to cut down on the fiber!
When you fart in public you may be revealing a bit more about yourself than you realize. If you are what you eat, and what you eat ends up affecting how you fart, then every time you fart you're telling people who you are. This is often why when you fart in a crowded elevator people can usually tell who it is. If it smells really wretched then it's probably the guy wearing the "Bacon makes everything better" t-shirt. Most of the time an individual fart means nothing, but when you look at someone's farts as a collective whole you can notice certain patterns that reveal a person's true personality.

Silent, but deadly - If this describes most of your farts then you're a caring person, but you're also willing to lie or withhold information if it suits your best interests. You care about what other people think to a certain degree, but you also lack the discipline to just hold in your farts entirely.

Giant earthshaking buttquakers - If you tend to fart full blast, all coal in the steam engines Titanic style then it means you're generally a charismatic person who is willing to hurt others to be successful. You're very upfront with people about what you want in life and you enjoy indulging in life's pleasures.

Shart - If you're sharting a lot usually this means you have problems handling responsibilities. You find things to be overwhelming and you are willing to let a lot of things slip when you choose to give up control of your life. You need more security in your affairs to feel confident.

Loose sounding farts - You probably have too much anal sex and it's negatively affecting the diameter of your caboose tunnel.

Farts can really tell a lot about a person if you're willing to take a whiff and make notes. As it turns out, our personalities are only buttdeep.

What Would Happen if You Made a Voodoo Doll of Yourself and Ate it?

Creepy ass shit...
One of the biggest questions people are asking these days is "What would happen if you made a voodoo doll of yourself, then ate it?" If you've never wondered this before then you can see why it's such a puzzling conundrum. Since whatever you do to a voodoo doll happens to the person the voodoo doll is made for, then you would essentially be eating and digesting yourself.

Surely if you chewed pieces off then your limbs would be torn off as you bit into the voodoo doll, but what if you swallowed it whole? Would your body then slowly be burned by your own stomach acids from the outside all while the actual process was occurring in your own stomach? That would be pretty weird. Then when the digestion is complete the voodoo doll comes out on the other end, mostly undigested, but covered in feces nonetheless.

Would you then crap your own self out? That has to be a bizarre experience. No one can be sure what exactly happens when you eat your own voodoo doll, but I can imagine it's one of the worst ways to die ever.

How To Liven The Mood At Boring Parties

Being at a dead party can be a horrible feeling, but there are certain things you can do to jump start the party and get things going if only for yourself. Here are five things you can do to make a boring party a little more lively:

5). Dress up like a chicken. - Get a chicken costume and walk around like you normally would asking people where they're from. When they start to get boring, cluck right in their face.

4). Hire a clown. - Hiring a clown seems like something you'd only do for kids' parties, but you can also pay a clown to come to adult parties and just hang out looking creepy. Tell him to stand in the corner staring at everyone. That usually adds a nice element of confusion and gets people talking to each other saying things like "Oh my god that clown is scaring me!" and "Who invited the clown?" It becomes like a mystery game. Just make sure to check the clown's background on Angie's List first so it doesn't turn out to be like a "Clue" murder mystery.

3). Replace the apples in the apple bobbing tub with dildos. - Bobbing for apples is pretty lame, but when you substitute in rubber dildos it becomes a way more entertaining thing to watch. It's best if only women participate in this to avoid a weird vibe. If you can, get the clown to participate.

2). Spray everyone with a fire hose. - This will require a fire engine and could be a little dangerous, but there's no doubt that blasting everyone with a fire hose will wake people up. This might not be the best thing to do if you're White the party has a lot of African American people at it though. Just a warning. I know we don't like to acknowledge this type of thing and it's not part of your initial thought process, but when people look back they might think you were being racist.

1). Spike the punch with bath salts. - I don't necessarily condone this step, but there's no disputing that it will certainly liven up the festivities. What once was a lame party in an instant can turn into the most amazing zombie themed face-eating bonanza ever.

Ask McFartnuggets: "My Grandmother Still Menstruates... Is This Normal?"

Howdy folks! I've been receiving a lot of questions dealing with people's personal lives lately. For some reason people think I'm some sort of social and feminine health expert. I'm not, but I'll try my best to answer these queries for everyone because I think they're interesting topics for discussion.

Dear Mr. Farts: I was at my grammy's house staying for the weekend and in her garbage I saw a bloody tampon. What the hell?! Is this normal?! She's in her 70's! Why isn't her vagina dead already! -- Scared By Nana's Bloody Pons in Oklahoma

Dear Scared by Tampons in OKLA: First off, the name is McFartnuggets. Get it right or don't bother talkin to me about your grandmother's tampons! It's okay, I'm willing to allow it this one time. Your problem is you're too damn nosey. Who told you to stick your face in your grandmother's trash can? We all know the contents of bathroom garbage is practically biohazardous waste so for your own good you should just stay at least three meters away from it at all times. Second, how can you even be sure it was your nana's "pon" as you so eloquently put it? Maybe it was one of her neighbors or close friends who left it there. Third, on the off chance your grandma's vagina is still alive then you should be proud of her. Sure it's gross and disturbing, but that's nothing you need to be concerned with. It means she's a healthy, virile individual and should be alive for many more years to come. Doesn't that make you feel better? Try focusing on the positives and less on the disgusting negatives. Thanks for the email!

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer on this site please throw an email into to my business mail receptacle: PizzaTesticles@Yahoo.com

How to Hold in a Fart Like a PRO

Being a fart expert and all, people tend to ask my advice on how to hold in farts. Normally I recommend against this behavior because it goes against nature and can only do harm to the body. However, I understand that sometimes you're in situations where it's imperative to hold in a fart, like at a strip club while you're getting a lap dance or at the dentist, sitting on Santa's lap, in the bathtub with a baby, etc.

The key is to not allow any space in between the buttcheeks. It helps to visualize what you're doing so try to imagine yourself squeezing an ant's head between your asscheeks. The trick is to keep doing this and hold it until you feel the fart give up, gurgle and fly back up your digestive tract. If you don't wait until this happens then the outside air pressure in your underpants will suck the fart out like opening the door of an airliner at 20,000 feet up in the air.

At the nearest opportunity you should run outside and release the fart because doing this too often could make the gas explode in your heart which usually leads to death. At the very least you will experience a heart attack or as we in the business like to refer to it, a fart attack.

Why Do Women Get Separate Oscars?

Women are always talking about equality the Oscars roll around. Then despite the fact they prefer to be called "Actors" instead of "Actresses" they will gladly accept a separate category when it comes to "Best Actor". Why not continue the trend of equality and demand that there be only "Best Actor" and "Best Supporting Actor" without the patronizing "women's only" award?

The other Academy Awards are unisex. You don't see "Best Female Original Screenplay" or "Best Female Original Song". Why is that? Either do it for all of them or none because the message it sends is a woman has just as good a chance at writing and singing an original song, but not be the best actor in a movie. Daniel Day-Lewis would annihilate Jennifer Lawrence in an act-off contest, but does that have anything to do with gender?

Why not just have a special Daniel Day-Lewis award given to him every year and have the rest of the actors battle over the "Not Daniel Day-Lewis Best Actor Award"? People just want to give out as many awards as possible which ultimately devalues the achievement they represent and more importantly makes the show longer and more boring. If not for equality, they should combine the Best Actor awards just to speed things up.

The Top 5 Worst Resume Objectives

The "Objective" is one of the most controversial parts of a resume. Some people say you should have one, others say you should leave it off. All I can say is that I've had various objectives listed on my resume and they may be the reasons I never got called. Here are five of my favorite objectives that I've had on my resume over the years:

5). "To get this job... Why the hell else would I be applying in the first place? Do you think I've got some other secret plan or some shit?"

This is an objective that really highlights the crux of the controversy. Is everyone's resume objective a redundant piece of horsecrap? That's what I tried to highlight with this one and apparently Red Lobster wasn't intrigued.

4). "To one day usurp control of a powerful company by slowly rising through the ranks after being accepted to a menial, entry-level position with said company."

I may have overdone it with this objective. Of course my tone was semi-sarcastic, though that is usually fairly difficult to detect through text. Of course I was hoping they'd be intrigued by it and want clarification, but Lady Foot Locker did not.

3). "To help provide violent diarrhea to the masses."

This was obviously my objective on resumes I sent out to Taco Bell. I guess they weren't ready to think outside their own bun and see that I was being facetious.

2). "To get a resume objective. Wait a minute... I already have one! Or DO I?!"

This was sort of my attempt at an abstract, confusing objective meant to tickle the employer's curiosity and intellect. Instead it just resulted in me never getting called back by Jiffy Lube.

1). "To get witcho mama and be ALL UPP INNN THAAATT!!!"
I was kind of frustrated and upset by the time I wrote this one. It's actually my current resume objective and I'm thinking about scrapping it soon as it has proven unfruitful to this point. I wonder if Men's Wearhouse will notice if I re-submit SANS insulting objective.

So are resume objectives pointless? Perhaps they are. Then again you should never assume the employer knows you want the job just because you applied and sent in your resume. Some of them are that damn stupid.

Is IKEA Selling Horse Meatballs?

The Swedish furniture/meatball store IKEA is doing everything it can to keep its balls out of customer's mouths now that they've been proven to contain horse meat. Now this only applies to the European IKEAs, but even if you're in America or anywhere else it would be in your best interest not to put their balls down your throat.

I don't think anyone should be too surprised by this news. You should never trust meat at a furniture store. Who the hell wants to go buy a dresser and eat meat spheres in the same establishment? When I go to Pier 1 Imports and eat meatloaf I brought in my pocket, everyone stares at me like a freak. And rightfully so, because that is the behavior of a psychopath. Bed frames and animal meat aren't a good mix. There's no proof that American IKEA beef and pork has horse sneaking into it, but for now it would be best to stop shoveling those little meat turds into your mouth with your allen wrench until all the facts are out.

How To Improve the Oscars Award Show

Everyone always puts the quality of the Academy Awards show fully on the host, but other things could be changed to make it a better overall show every year no matter who the host is. I think the Oscars would be much more entertaining if the path to the stage had literal hurdles to jump over and obstacles for the actors and sound engineers to contend with.

A few good ideas would be pits of fire, giant bear traps, and tiny pools with alligators and crocodiles. Then you don't even have judges select the winner, you just pick the nominees then the presenter yells "GO!" and everyone gets up from their seats and tries to be the first to grab the statue. At least then there's no controversy over who wins any award no matter the performances. If you lept over a crocodile and pit of boiling tar in a crazy ass dress that has caught fire, you deserved it.

Then the music they play when a speech has gone on to long can be replaced with an angry crocodile released onto the stage. I guarantee the show would never go over its allotted time ever again and it'd be a much more entertaining show for everyone watching at home.

Why Should You Have Your Funeral at Night?

If you've ever been to one funeral you've been to them all. They're always the same, a bunch of people wearing black crying during the day. That's why when I have my funeral it's going to be at NIGHT. Why not? Some people are superstitious, they think that the corpse needs to be buried before sundown or else the spirit will be trapped in purgatory for all of eternity, blah blah blah, whatever.

I'm more concerned with people having a good time at my funeral and everyone knows all the best parties happen at night. Sure it might be a little creepy to be standing out in a graveyard in the dark, especially if there's a sociopathic gravekeeper roaming out there offended by the idea of a night funeral, but to me that just adds to the excitement. Maybe if I'm lucky he does kill someone and I get a little company! No of course I'm joking, I wouldn't want anyone to die, I want to be let into Heaven alone. I don't need some other jackass weighing me down being annoying while we're on the escalator up. Do you go to heaven right after you die or do you have to wait till the funeral? I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

Tips For How To Control Your Dreams

If you're going to waste half your day sleeping you may as well dream about the things you want to and not weird creepy things that will haunt you the rest of your day while you're conscious wondering why that tiger/man hybrid was force feeding you a birthday cake made of blood and singing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" on the Apollo moon rover while midgets in the background were cursing you out the whole time and morphing into your grandmother. Here are a couple ways you can force your brain to dream certain things...

It has been noted that sleeping on your stomach greatly increases the likelihood of sexual dreams because of the pressure it applies to the genital region. Just make sure you have a few towels laid out on your bed before you try this. Try not to use your favorite towels either, use a greasy one you found at an abandoned mechanic's garage or better yet a ShamWow because there will be moisture.

Another tried and tested method of manipulating your dreams is through sound. The trick to this is the sounds or music have to be loud enough that you can hear them, but you still need to be able to fall asleep. What I like doing is creating a new audio file on my computer with about thirty minutes of silence before it starts. Then I click play and try to fall asleep. Playing circus music will often result in dreams about clowns or deformed sideshow characters which is always fun and exciting. Just don't make the mistake of listening to circus music while falling asleep on your stomach, unless you're really into clownfucking. You've been warned.


How NOT to Ask a Stripper to Dance

If you're a gentleman like me, then you were raised to ask a lady for a dance when you're out at a party, formal, or local discotech. So what do you do when you find yourself at a strip club? Apparently there are different rules about strip clubs that I wasn't aware of.

The women there are to be respected just like any normal club, but you can't climb onto the stage and take their hand for a dance. A large security guy will run up and tackle you off the stage into a bunch of chairs and your back will be severely damaged leading to expensive medical bills that the club claims they have no responsibility for. Lesson learned.

Forgive me for trying to show Charmissa a little bit of respect and asking politely to dance WITH me instead of pay her money like some kind of weird servant to dance for me. I guess this is what society has become. And if you're not allowed on stage, might I suggest you set up a clear plexiglass wall or something to make that entirely obvious. And yeah sure maybe "Welcome to the Jungle" isn't the best tune to slow dance to, but that doesn't mean I can't.

Ben Affleck Mocking Jennifer Lawrence with Oscar Acceptance Speech?

When Ben Affleck accepted the Best Picture Academy Award for "Argo" he ended the speech by saying "It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life, because that's going to happen. All that matters is that you've got to get back up."  Was he referencing the embarrassing fall Jennifer Lawrence had walking up the steps in her giant dress to claim the Best Actress award? Clearly that was one of the top stories of the show so it's hard not to make that connection.

Perhaps the secret theme of the Oscars was falling and standing up to compose yourself. Maybe that was planned all along as a secret message to America. Yes, we are face down on a staircase in a ridiculous dress while everyone's laughing at us, but we have to stand up quickly and be a sport about it.

The point is that bad things happen when you try to walk up steps in a restrictive dress. The dress of course is our financial situation. We must attempt to shed it off before ascending upward to glory otherwise we will certainly fall and the world will be laughing. The difference is Jennifer Lawrence can laugh about herself falling because she's 22 and an exuberant individual human being. Are we as a collective nation able to do the same on a much larger scale?

Funny Toilet Paper Commercial

Rumor has it the tension on the set this day was so uncomfortably thick that Mr. Sullenberger almost pimp slapped the boy lesbian looking actor. Fortunately they were able to contain their tempers and the ad became part of toilet paper history.

How to Stop Talking in Your Sleep

Anyone who has a problem with talking in their sleep knows that it can be a very big social problem.You can never truly trust what you'll say when you're deep in magic dream world and the things you say can be very damaging to your life and the lives of others. I've had relationships end because I would say the strangest things in my sleep while the other person was awake, watching me fearfully beside the bed. I won't get into specifics, but let's just say it had to do with clowns, elderly people, and chainsaw dildos.

You can look into sleep apnea mouth guards that will muffle what you say, but there's still a chance your words may be intelligible enough to understand or worse yet, misinterpreted. You could be wearing a mouth guard while sleeping and say "nuggets" and someone on the plane might hear something completely different leading to a big brawl and worse yet, an interrupted night of sleep.

The best way I've found to deal with this problem is to simply place duct tape over your own mouth before you plan to go to sleep. This will feel awkward at first unless you've had a particularly horrifying childhood, but you get used to it pretty fast. It will look a little strange to others, but the great thing about being asleep is you don't have to bother with people's ignorance anymore. Leave them behind and enter the amazing world of dreams! You may have a lot of dreams of being kidnapped at first, but this will usually fade away in the coming months. If it doesn't I would recommend not using duct tape anymore and seeing a therapist because there might be some past issues you have unresolved in your subconscious which may be the reason you're talking in your sleep to begin with.

Warning: Do not cover your mouth with duct tape before sleep if you have just been out drinking a lot, doing drugs, or just ate weird ethnic cuisine or seafood as you may vomit in your sleep and the duct tape will force the vomit down your trachea, perhaps killing you.

What NOT to Wear to a Wedding

If you've read my article on what not to wear to a funeral you'll be relieved to know that weddings are slightly different than funerals in that, it's a much more relaxed atmosphere. No one's memory will be tarnished by what you wear to a wedding, though your new wife's memories of their day might be affected negatively. The trick is to try and not wear anything that will overshadow the bride. It's the bride's day first and foremost so to wear something crazy that will take the focus off her and put it onto you is a bad idea. Therefore you should NOT wear:

5). A harlequin or albino ghost costume (as pictured here).

4). A horse costume without another person.

3). A nicer wedding dress than your bride.

2). An airbrushed bikini on your otherwise nude body.

1). A Lance Armstrong yellow U.S. Postal Service body condom cyclist outfit with aerodynamic helmet.

Any of these outfits would be a mistake to wear unless your bride and her family have a really good sense of humor. They might reconsider the whole idea of your marrying her and pull the plug right then and there if they're tightasses about decor and "respect." It's really difficult these days to take any wedding vows made by a man dressed like Lance Armstrong seriously. It's pretty much making a complete mockery of the process.

Are You Spending Too Much Time on the Toilet?

The general consensus is that the average person spends approximately 20 minutes on the toilet every day. That's around 122 hours per year, 5 full days from dawn to dusk taking a dump. This of course is just a survey average. Since there's no way to really tell how long people are taking in their own homes under no pressure to perform then odds are the real number is much higher. No one would want to admit to a survey taker that they spend two hours squeezing a pound cake out of their ass every day. To judge whether you're taking too much time on the crapper you can't look at the numbers, you have to go by feel. If you're letting your hole crust over that's a definite sign you have to speed things up.

How do you do that? Well for starters you can start ingesting more fiber and waiting longer till it's a damn near emergency before unleashing the wild boar. If you develop a good timing and rhythm you can be in and out faster than a NASCAR pit crew. Like any athletic activity, taking a dump requires practice, coordinating, and conditioning. If you don't take it seriously, problems will arise and you won't be crapping up to your potential.

I recommend being very aware of the time you're spending in there, bring a stopwatch with you. By developing a good speed you're also going to be exercising your rectum which will only make it stronger in the future. It might seem ridiculous, but what's really ridiculous is wasting what amounts to YEARS of your entire life on the toilet. That's something you definitely will be regretting on your death bed. Plus, after you die your body shits itself anyway which is basically the universe's way of saying there'll be plenty of time to poop when you're dead.


Was Oscar Pistorius Framed to Build Hype for Academy Awards?

Can it really be coincidence that this man named Oscar Pistorius kills his supermodel girlfriend just a little more than a week before the Hollywood Academy Awards? "Oscar" is not a very common name so either this is an insane coincidence or the work of a psychotic marketing genius.

The reason the Pistorius case is interesting to the world is because he's a legless man, his girlfriend was hot, and it happened on Valentine's Day with a gun. Now if some of those things weren't the case, there might not be AS MUCH publicity surrounding it. For instance, had a legged Olympian track runner killed his butt ugly girlfriend on Presidents' Day with a knife, this might be just a blip on the news radar. Instead it was a perfect storm of hot topics that conflated into a giant media explosion.

Am I saying that someone in charge of the Academy Awards figured out it would be a good idea to make a brand new OJ Simpson circus court case in South Africa and have the name "Oscar" be on the world's lips for a full week leading up to Hollywood's biggest spectacle? No, but it is curious. Either way, the Oscars will benefit from all this. People are now subconsciously conditioned to be more interested in the Oscars this year just because of Pistorius. It's like if you stand around saying the word "porn" one million times a day. Eventually you're going to want porn and you'll have plenty of time for that after you're fired from your job for saying that word over and over again, that's how advertising works.

Again, I'm not saying this is definitely what happened, but if by some chance there's a huge Hollywood movie about the murder of Reeva Steenkamp in a few years, then this controversy should definitely be revisited. There are loads of other weird connections. If Pistorius is guilty, then his tears of sorrow in court would be classic acting. And the Academy Awards are gold, something he was always running to get. The red carpet symbolizes blood. The Oscar statue is bald. Pistorius is balding quickly. Think about it...

The REAL "Insanity" Workout

Dave lost 35 lbs on the REAL Insanity workout!
Maybe you've seen ads for or heard about the "Insanity" workout. I was interested in this until I saw what it entailed and it's all very straightforward, generic exercising techniques, there's nothing truly insane about it. That's why I've created my own REAL Insanity workout and here are some of the exercises that are involved:

1). First you're gonna want to start off with just delicately slapping yourself in the face, alternating with each hand, left hand slap, right hand slap, left hand slap, right hand slap. Continue doing this for ten minutes, increasing in intensity until you're really slapping yourself sternly in the cheeks with your hands. If it's stinging then that means it's working.

2.) Okay you should be feeling the burn from that. The next thing you're going to do is begin tearing clumps of hair out of your scalp. It's important to scream really loud while doing this too. Screaming benefits you in two ways, it helps kill the pain a little, and it also works the core and stimulates circulation into the lungs which is great for your cardiovascular health. Do this for five sets of ten reps. If you run out of hair go for hair on other parts of your body preferably the crotch region.

3). The third exercise is to take a crap into your own hands and start smearing it all over the walls in your home. You want to make sure you're smearing it to cover as much area as possible and smearing fast to really get your heart rate up good and fast. Make sure you're using a nice wide range of motion to stretch the muscles while you're working them out. When your walls are decently covered up move to the next step.

4). Now you want to go out onto the streets and basically engage the first person in a wrestling match. Try to get them to the ground and make sure to laugh maniacally the entire time and don't wash your hands off from the last exercise. When the police come, also try to wrestle them while screaming "I am the Dalai Lama and I demand the respect of God!"

Now that was just a sample of the full REAL Insanity workout, but that should give you an idea of how well the program works. Not only is it a full body workout that will help you shed the pounds and inches in mere days, but it truly lives up to the name "Insanity". If you'd like to learn more please contact me on my business email at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com. Have fun exercising and remember, a fit body doesn't always mean a fit mind!

Stupid Dietary Tips: "If You Can't Pronounce it, Don't Eat it!"

Can you pronounce "lemons and raw chicken"?
One of the most popular things personal dieticians and trainers say is "If you can't pronounce the ingredients in a food product, don't eat it." This seems like a nice idea and in theory it does work, but it's not the right advice for everyone. For instance, if you're a recent immigrant from a foreign country and English is not your first language, this advice should go right out the window. DO NOT listen to this piece of advice if you're from France for instance.

If you can't pronounce "Protein" properly that doesn't mean you should only be eating apples. And while "carbohydrates" have been demonized by some, it's still a pretty difficult word to pronounce especially for children. Children still need to eat bread and things that can give them energy. So if you're a child and you can't read for shit that doesn't mean you have to be anorexic. I think that's the problem with kids these days, they're getting these bogus tips from fitness experts and putting them into use. They're told "If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it!" Then they're looking at their bottle of Flintstones vitamins confused out of their minds.

Milk and apples are good foods, but if that's all you can pronounce you will be either dead or in a hospital with chronic diarrhea in no time. This is a lazy tip and it should be changed to just a full list of bad ingredients for people to avoid that way no matter if they're from Czechoslovakia or just have a speech impediment they can look at the list and see "Oh okay, cyanide, I better not buy that!" Instead of risking the chance they might know how to say that word by some random chance and then dying a horrible death.

Should You Tell Your Children About Your History with Drugs?

Getting caught smoking crack sucks!
A recent study suggests that parents should hide their past drug usage from their kids because it might encourage the children to try drugs for themselves. I've found that it's okay for me to tell my kids about my historic drug usage of the past because they pretty much already know from the stories their aunts and uncles have told them.

They might not be the brightest kids around, but they're smart enough to know that my previous drug usage is the reason they're getting straight D's and had to have steel plates used to reinforce areas of their skull that were not developed properly in the womb. By telling my kids about all the poppers and droppers I used to do back in the week they'll realize how serious it really is. They'll be able to look at me in the glossy eyes and say "Wow, I am NEVER doing that! I will never allow myself to become what you are..." And isn't that the most effective way to teach kids?

Either they're going to learn the lesson themselves the hard way because they have no idea of the consequences or you can lay it all out on the table and show them exactly what type of destruction and pain narcotics can cause people. Either you tell your kids about your meth addiction, or they'll have peers and celebrities glorify drug usage to them and totally ruin their perception of what this poison can do.

Mentally Insane Toilet Paper Commercial


This was the first time anyone ever really referenced the liquidy stool phenomenon known as "Diarrhea" in a TV commercial before. Up until then it was just this forbidden taboo subject people were only willing to talk about in the privacy of their own kitchens.

Hobo Who Returned Diamond Ring Gets Thousands of Dollars Donated To Him

So far the homeless man who returned a woman's diamond engagement ring that was given to him by accident has accumulated around $100,000 in donations from various people. This is a great story and I can only hope that he gets more donated to him than the bullied bus monitor from upstate NY who has received more than $700,000.

Not to say people were wrong to give money to the woman who was relentlessly taunted by children on a bus, but this hobo from Missouri actually DID something great and on top of all that he needs the money just a little bit more. I think it would be a great shame if this homeless man who did the right thing doesn't end up with more money than some lady who got tormented by children.

We should be rewarding people for making the right choices and setting an example for kids. Not so say pity isn't a fair emotion either, but it should be below rewarding good behavior. The campaign to donate to this man is only 90 days so hopefully anyone who gives money to people they like should get their donations in soon and help this hobo with a heart of gold be a shining symbol for morals in America for years to come.

How to Pay it Backward

We've all heard touching stories about one person doing an unsolicited good deed for a complete stranger and that stranger "paying it forward" by doing the same for another person, but what about "paying it backward"? Recently in the news there was a famous story of people at a Starbucks drive-thru "paying it backward" that started when one guy paid for the coffee of the driver behind them. This doesn't really qualify as "paying it backward" because ultimately all you did was pay for the coffee of the douchebag who decides to finally stop the trend. The idea of paying it forward is that the impact of the first person's action can expand exponentially, but that's not going to happen at at a Starbucks drive thru.

"Paying it backward" is going to be the opposite of "paying it forward" so that means it has to be a negative action. With that in mind, the only way to truly "pay it backward" is to fart on the top of a very long and crowded escalator. By farting in the face of the person standing under your ass you initiate the possibility for something amazing. If the person who gets your gas decides to take that offering and do the only thing they can do with it and repeat it, and the person behind them does the same, and so on all the way down the line then that's the true definition of "paying it backward".
You know it was strong when they have to re-build the whole damn escalator.
Unfortunately there have been no reported cases of this ever happening because it's THAT rare. It's not only contingent on the initial people involved having the will to fart in the next person's face, but it's entirely reliant on everyone on the escalator having bad gas. Considering that, I think this has the best chance of happening at an escalator in an American mall that people take after eating at the food court.

Is it Okay to Take a Date to a Funeral?

When a young couple is starting off getting to know each other one of the biggest challenges they face is finding good places to go on dates. In my youth, I remember taking a date to a funeral just because it was very close by and there wasn't much else to do on a Sunday afternoon. She broke up with me shortly after this, but I'm convinced it was a decent idea.

First of all, the food was great. Second, it was a nice reminder of how limited our time is on earth. If there's any better way to highlight the pressing need to fornicate I haven't found it yet! Funerals don't necessarily turn most women on, maybe there's only room for one stiff in the room, but that doesn't mean it won't make the other person really question their own mortality and feel a sense of urgency about intimacy in the days after.

Do I feel bad about using my paternal grandmother's death as a way to get laid? Yea, sort of, but on the other hand I know it's what she would have wanted. I was just trying to make her proud and in the end isn't that what life is all about?


Tips On Sending Out Funeral Invitations

Planning a funeral can be stressful and nerve racking, but it can also be fun as long as you try not to dwell on the concept of death too much. Once you have that behind you, your focus should switch to making the invitations. The invitation process is arguably the most important part of the funeral. You want all the right people to be there and you also want to try and limit the number of people who might be disruptive. Make sure to only mail invites to family and close friends.

Once you have a good list of who you want to invite, you have to design the invitation. Don't get cheap here, it has to be something that looks nice so people know it's a serious funeral and not some amateur gravedigging spectacle. Choose a professional printer, don't just go to some FedEx Kinkos or Staples. I like to opt for a lot of cursive with raised ink on a heavy cardstock.

Within your invitation cards, demand that the invitees RSVP within a reasonable amount of time so you can plan last minute changes accordingly. Also make sure to arrange for a vegetarian meal option for people to select and create a write-in space for them to list any food allergies they might have. You don't want to be negligent and end up with another dead person on your hands! Funeral invitations are something people tend to overlook, especially these days, but they can really go a long way to either making or breaking your next funeral.

The Cookie versus Cream Oreo Debate

Nabisco has started a fake war between people who love the chocolate cookie part of the Oreo and people who think the the cream filling is the best part. To me, this doesn't even make sense. Choosing between the cookie and the cream is like someone strapping you to a table, holding a butcher knife and asking you if you want to keep your penis or testicles. It's a package deal. They're inseparable. There's no point in trying to choose one over the other.

The fact is, most people prefer the cream part. That's why they made "Double Stuf" Oreos. They didn't make "Double Thick Cookie" Oreos. Even in Oreo's past commercials they've showed people ripping the cookies apart so they could lick the filling and chuck the damn worthless cookies away. I think they could actually sell the cream filling in squeeze cake icing piping bags and Americans would buy it.

It's pretty obvious who wins the debate, but for some reason companies are starting these artificial debates about their diabetes snacks. Twix is also pretending like the two bars in each package are manufactured by different factories imploring people to taste the differences and pick their favorite. You won't see Gummy Bears telling kids to choose their favorite color. You've got to teach kids to see past color not embrace the subjective judgment based on appearance.

Extremely Elderly Woman Can't Post Real Age on Facebook

Facebook's profile settings don't allow a 104-year-old Michigan super elderly the ability to set her date of birth at 1908 so she puts 1928 instead. This is an outrage. When I'm stalking people on Facebook I want to know their exact age so I don't make mistakes. This woman has found a loophole that allows her to lie openly about her age. If I'm checking out some sultry photos on the net I want to know I'm looking at a genuine 84-year-old not some phony ultra elderly person, that's gross.

Another messed up thing about this is that Facebook does allow birthdates after 1910, so he could list her age more precisely at 1918 instead or logically 1910, but for some reason she gives herself a 20 year boost. What is an 104-year-old doing on Facebook anyway? Shouldn't she be on MySpace? The only time you should ever poke this woman is when you walk in and see her flatlined. What are her status updates like? "Still alive!"?

Of course I'm joking. It's an amazing accomplishment to be 104-years-old and this wrinkly old warrior can do whatever she wants, she's earned that right and Facebook should fix this immediately so I don't keep accidentally pleasuring myself to people over the age of 102.

Elementary School Gives Controversial Homework Questions About Slaves

Parents of kids who go to school at P.S. 59 in New York are in an uproar over a worksheet given out that asks the question "One slave got whipped five times a day. How many times did he get whipped in a month? Another slave got whipped 9 times a day. How many times did he get whipped in a month. How many times did they both get whipper in a month?" I can see why they're outraged, this is an incredibly difficult problem for a 4th grader to answer. I don't even know the answer to this one! I think it's important to know which month they're being whipped. I would just write "Not enough information to solve" and be done with it.

Of course they're really upset about the "slave" part, but that's jumping to conclusions. What if the question was talking about sex slaves or child slaves in Malaysia or something more politically correct? How come when people hear the word "slave" they immediately picture a Black person? Sure it's a significant part of the history of America, but frankly when I hear the word "slave" I think of someone in a leather bondage outfit wearing a hood over their head with nipple clamps. Call me crazy! Maybe if that was the image that everyone thought of the world would be a much nicer, safer place.

Another question on the worksheet said "There's a ship filled with 3,799 slaves. One day the slaves took over the ship and 1,897 are dead. How many are alive?" Now to some people that's a clear indication that the worksheet is referencing African American slaves, but to me, I picture alien sex slaves from another planet. Like sexy Martian sex slaves in a space craft being brought to Earth. Clearly stuff like this shouldn't be given to kids at all, but I also think this is just a sign that people's imaginations are not where they should be. Kids need to learn how to think outside the box and not be shackled and limited by the ideas of others. Mental slavery is the current trend holding everyone down and that's what people need to be focused on.

Should You Shave Before You Go Tanning?

There's a big debate about whether people should shave or wax before tanning, but it really all depends on where you're tanning. If you're tannning at a salon you're going to want to shave bare or get a Brazilian wax that way when you tan you get a nice bronze finish all over your body. If you're a regular tanner and have very thick hair downstairs and you decide NOT to shave before tanning then the one day you do decide to go hairless it's going to feel like you just opened a roof door at noon after being kidnapped in a basement for five months.

The light will be blinding to yourself and more importantly others. If your pubic brush is really thick the tan rays can't get through. Hair is a great blocker of sunlight. That's why when you shave people's heads it looks pale as hell underneath, just imagine that except on your hoagie and meatballs or red bean taco, what have ye. If you tan too much with thick pubic foliage when you finally do shave it off your crotch looks like that transparent headed fish that lives in the deepest region of the oceans. That's not what you want.

If you're tanning on the beach however, that is a situation where you're not going to want to shave. If you're lucky and your downstairs hair is thick enough to cover your entire crotchal region then no one should take any real offense to you being naked on a non-nude beach. This will help you get a complete tan without having to worry about the embarrassment of wearing a stupid looking Speedo. It will also eliminate the need to put sunscreen on your genitals which when taken out of context looks like illegal activity and you will most likely be arrested the same way I was.

Why Don't Men with Manboobs Wear Bras More Often?

We live in a society where men who have fat breasts are made fun of, but what makes that worse is that a man with fat breasts is made even more fun of if he's wearing a bra. When breasts are allowed to just hang all day the skin and fat becomes less elastic and sags. That's pretty much the reason bras were invented to begin with.

If you have manbreasts then you need to exercise to help fix the situation, but every day you're not wearing a bra, gravity is doing a number on your chest. Plus, at a certain point, manboobs can look almost like real female boobs so they should be covered up. No one needs to see your fat mantits flapping around on your morning jog, put a sports bra on. If your manbreasts are big enough that when you're on national TV they have to blur them, that's a good sign you need to wear a bra.

Basically what I'm saying is the next time you see a guy take his shirt off in the locker room at the country club and you see he's wearing a Victoria's Secret undergarment, don't point and laugh and take photos with your iPhone. He's not some creepy crossdresser, he's just a person trying their best to deal with Father Time like the rest of us. We need to be more supportive of people with manboobs, it's not easy.

How To Go To The Bathroom When Trapped in an Elevator

One of the worst scenarios imaginable is being trapped in an elevator for hours or days. One of the worst things about being trapped in an elevator is needing to use the bathroom. You're going to want to try to keep holding it just in case the elevator starts moving or you're set free, but eventually nature is going to take hold.

The best thing you can do is try to escape the elevator car through the ceiling door and then do your business into the crevasse between the elevator car and the elevator shaft so your poop falls down to the bottom. If that's not possible then just going on the roof of the elevator is the next best thing. If by some chance there is no way to get on top of the car then you have to go to plan B.

Plan B involves taking off your coat or shirt and pooping into that. This seems weird (and it is) but the idea is that it can soak up the mess and keep it from flowing all over the elevator floor which can be awful if you've got liquidy stools. Then an added bonus is that when you finally are freed from the elevator you have your turds wrapped in a neat little bundle that you can then throw away or rinse off before washing the shirt to wear again one day. It sounds bad, but it definitely beats the elevator crew showing up and seeing a bare pile of crap sitting in the corner of the elevator.

Peeping Tom Toilet Paper Commercial

Here's an ad that really jumpstarted the trend of peeping toms in America. It wasn't really a big thing to that point, but this depiction of a man using a telescope really inspired a new usage for the viewing tool that would carry into eternity and inspire generations of men to come.


Easy Ways To Save Water

It's becoming more evident every single day that there will one day be a clean water shortage on this planet so it's important to avoid wasting water whenever possible. A lot of people have heard that you can save water by putting a brick in your toilet. This is true, but just to be clear, the brick goes inside the water tank of the toilet, not the bowl. Please do NOT put a brick in your toilet bowl. It won't save water, you'll just end up with a really stinky, piss soaked, shit covered brick. That being said, bricks are a key tool to help save water. Here are some other ways you can save water with the use of bricks.

1). Put a brick or two in your bathtub. 
If you take baths you should bathe with a brick. Not only will it help you use less water to get a full tub, it can also help you break off blisters on your feet and other areas of your body. It's also just generally handy to have for self defense in case someone breaks into your house. There's nothing that makes you feel more helpless than hearing someone break in while you're bare ass naked playing with your rubber duckie, but having a lethal weapon with you helps that tremendously.

2). Put a brick in every one of your sinks.
If you ever like to fill your bathroom sink and dip your face into it after your weekly cry, a brick will definitely help you stop wasting so much water. It's also helpful to have a brick in the kitchen sink for when you do dishes.

3). Put bricks in swimming pools and jacuzzis.
Of course the same principle that applies to sinks and toilets applies to swimming pools and jacuzzis. Simply, the more bricks you put in a pool or jacuzzi, the less water that needs to be used to fill it. If you don't have a pool or jacuzzi, you can always throw a bunch of bricks into your neighbor's pool or jacuzzi. Just make very sure there's no one in the pool at the time. I cannot stress that enough. And if you're going to put bricks in a pool, take into account the size of the pool. If it's a big one you're going to need to use dozens of bricks, or somehow make a giant single brick. I recommend many regular sized bricks. Have a wheelbarrow ready for easy transportation.

So there you have it, three really easy ways to help save water and lessen the odds that one day you're grandchildren will be murdering each other over one of Marco Rubio's midget Poland Spring bottles.