The Top 5 Products You Should NEVER Sell Door-to-Door

Door-to-door sales is one of the most effective ways to market your product, but there are a few products that this strategy does not work well with. Vacuums and encyclopedias may work well, but If you are in any of these industries try not to go door-to-door because only bad things will come of it.


5). Condoms.

It might seem like a good idea to bring prophylactics to people since it saves them the trouble of going to the store to get them, but most people take offense to this especially if their children answer the door. You don't want to get involved in a mix up like that.

They make great loot bags for birthday parties, but no one wants to hear that.

4). Spiders.

A surprising amount of people have Arachnophobia and that's certainly not something you want to experience on a sales call. Also, most people's first reaction to a spider in their home is to exterminate it so a particularly bad sales pitch could result in the destruction of much of your product.

Too bad this is just an image and I can't hug this mafucka right now.

3). Doors.

Selling doors door-to-door is a flawed concept for the simple fact that if someone opens a door then they already have one. The only people who would be interested are people with no doors on their homes in which case that's not technically going door-to-door that's going from no-door-to-no-door. That being said, the best thing to sell no-door-to-no-door is doors.

2). Morning After Pills.

Most people don't like the insinuation that their daughters or wives are whores who have lots of unprotected, casual sex so attempting to sell Plan B pills door-to-door isn't a great idea.

They're not called Life Savers for nothing!

1). Sex Toys.

Sex toys seem like a good thing to sell to people in their homes because they're in private and can try things out. The only problem is when you're helping a woman try out a dildo in her room and hear the front door open and realize she's married and her husband has anger management issues and a gun.

Don't act like you've never used one of these before!

The art of door-to-door selling is quickly becoming lost on the younger generation and there are loads of things you shouldn't try to sell this way, but don't let that keep you from experimenting.

The Top 5 Best Holidays For Drinking

When you grew up in a house full of alcoholics pretty much every holiday was a time to get liquored up and do irreparable harm to a developing child. However, there are certain holidays that lend themselves more to drinking than others. Even if you're not an alcoholic, these five holidays are ones you should be enjoying completely fecesfaced.



5). President's Day

An underrated holiday, President's Day is one of the best holidays to drink on. Not many things are more fun than getting completely wasted and running around town dressed like John Adams yelling "The British are coming!" and stealing a police horse. Of course it was actually Paul Revere who rode around yelling about British orgasms, but you're drunk what does that matter?

You have to be drunk to dress like this.

4). Christmas

Normally I wouldn't condone drinking heavily on Christmas, but it's really the only way to tolerate carolers. Plus, it's an excellent way to help you fall asleep/pass out when you're too excited to go to bed because of Santa. The more shots you take the sooner Santa is going to arrive, that's what I always tell my kids as they watch me drinking chucking back shots of tequila and vodka.

Being hammered really makes it a lot easier to cut trees out of your neighbor's lawn.

3). St. Patrick's Day

The classic drinking holiday would have to be on this list. Frankly I find it much better to stay sober and pretend like I'm drunk in order to take advantage of people, but it's always nice to join in with the fun every few St. Patrick's Days just for the hell of it.

Maybe you'll be drunk enough to take a dip in the toxic waste polluted river!

2). Chanukah

Drinking on Chanukah is a great idea because the whole holiday is like one giant week long drinking game. The first night you have two drinks, one for the first candle and one for the middle candle. Then the next night you have three drinks, the night after that you have four and so on until the final night when you've had like 10 drinks. The only real negative to this is you're completely poopfaced dancing around a eight tiny fires which is always dangerous and ill advised.

It's not a candelabra, it's a challenge!

1). Easter

Easter is my all-time favorite drinking holiday for a few reasons. None of it makes sense so being drunk puts you at no real disadvantage at parties and Easter egg rolls. Hiding eggs and hunting around for them is a thousand times more fun when you're wasted. Also when you're in a giant bunny costume, vomiting is seen as more cute than sad. With all the hard boiled eggs and chocolate you're going to be eating on Easter, vomiting is almost a mandatory activity so why not be drunk and get your money's worth? Hard boiled chicken eggs and Cadbury creme eggs will fight in your belly and sometimes you need to throw some Jack Daniels on that to calm them down or kick both of their asses. The only negative is you'll probably be in a park full of children and families when you're going berserk dressed like a rabbit throwing pastel painted eggs at everyone and shitting yourself, but hey no one said life was going to be perfect.

Who sits around painting eggs whilst sober? That makes less sense than the bunny!

Dumbass Sayings: "You Can't Have Your Cake And Eat It Too!"

I was getting ready for my daughter's PTA meetings and I was trying to figure out what to wear. I was thinking it would be funny to wear a women's bikini, but my ex-wife said I would be jeopardizing our child's future. I said that was horsecrap and threw a temper tantrum and I came THIS CLOSE to choking a bitch. Then my grandmother walked by and said "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down and think about what this elderly woman just said to me. I can't have my cake and eat it too? Yes I can! I can have a cake and then I can eat it. I wouldn't just stare at a cake, that's insane.

The only reason to buy a cake is to eat it and in the time between purchasing it and eating it you're "having" it. So yes you can have and eat a cake. I ran up to my grandmother's bedroom to make fun of her and tell her how what she said made no sense and she explained that it means "You can't have it both ways." She meant you can't have a cake in your possession AND eat it because when you eat it, the cake is gone so you no longer "have" it. I told her if that's what you mean then just say "You should never eat a cake if you want to keep it." But even that's stupid because there's no point in just keeping a cake. Everyone ends up eating the cake in the end otherwise you have to throw it out.

If you're trying to illustration a choice between two equally important things then this saying is stupid because possessing a cake and eating it are not comparable at all. In the end I decided to wear the bikini to the PTA meeting. Everyone laughed and my daughter's teacher saw that I had a sense of humor and we seriously discussed her grades and what to do about tutoring and such. It turned out great. I had my cake and I ate it too. I ate a cake and I still have it, because it's still in my stomach. I am possessing the cake in my stomach even after I ate it. That's a dumb saying.

Sending Santa Claus a Gift For Christmas

If you're a person with any heart whatsoever you've wondered how come no one ever sends Santa a gift on Christmas? I mean this guy is out there every year busting his ass to make people's dreams come true for nothing and all we do is give him cookies and milk? Are you serious? How do you think this guy feels getting all these letters from kids non-stop just asking him for shit that he really doesn't know they deserve or not (let's face it they probably don't). It's all take take take from Santa and that's just wrong. It's only a matter of time before Santa wises up to how we're treating him and either snaps or decides enough is enough. So here are some ideas for gifts you can send to the North Pole before Christmas so Santa can enjoy them before it starts getting really busy up there:


1). Diet pills.

We all know Santa has a tough time keeping his weight down and while most diet pills don't work it's nice to at least show your concern and let him know his weight is an obvious concern to all the people of the world.

That's a big ass pill.

2). Exercise equipment.

A more pro-active gift to give Santa to help him out with his obesity is exercise equipment like a Bowflex or Total Gym. Of course the only negative to this is the shipping costs can become rather exorbitant.

Sometimes the best gift is good health.

3). Caffeine pills/energy drinks.

Traveling all over the world in one night probably takes a lot out of someone so I'm sure Santa would appreciate an extra boost. This would also help him move a little faster which means you get your presents faster so it's a bit of a selfish gift, but still nice.

Even Santa's fat ass needs a kick once in awhile.

4). Jewelry.

Jewelry is really a rare commodity at the North Pole since the majority of people asking for gifts are children and they could give a rat's ass about diamond rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The only people who ever ask for nice jewelry on Christmas are women who are about to be engaged or are already engaged to be married and in that case the jewelry will be coming from the fiance or husband. No one ever gets a diamond ring with a card that says "From Santa" and if they do then they should be marrying Santa. Giving jewelry to Santa would allow him to regift it to Mrs. Claus without her knowing and help strengthen their bond because God knows they need it after all these years. You know she can't be feeling as appreciated as she is and we wouldn't want her to file for a separation and send Santa spiraling into a life-threatening depression.

How come this dude gets to look like a pimp and not Santa?

5). BBQ Ribs.

As we've mentioned before, Santa is a fan of food so what better gift to give him than some nice frozen BBQ ribs to enjoy in his spare time. This is also probably the best gift to send Santa considering there is a slight chance the package could get lost somewhere along the line in which case it can become food for starving polar bears. There's no way to lose with this one.

Help bring Christmas to Santa for once in your life.

Hopefully this list has given you some ideas on how to make Santa's Christmas a little more jolly. Even if you don't get him a gift a simple card simply expressing "Happy Holidays" without immediately requesting shit would be welcomed I'm sure. The least you can do is write back a thank you letter for Christ sake.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Is America Ready For A Woman MLB Manager?"

Connie Mack wasn't a real woman.

Dear McFartnuggets: Do you think a woman could ever be the manager of a professional baseball team? Isn't it weird how there are more women who could be the President of the United States of America than manage a professional baseball team?" -- Rop from Dechint, Michigan


Dear Rop: I think it's unfair to compare managing a Major League Baseball squad with being the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. Clearly it's much easier to be President. George W. Bush only owned the Texas Rangers, he could never have coached them on the field. Had he I'm sure he would have completely destroyed their chances of ever competing in MLB for decades.

People in general are more comfortable with the idea of a women being President because it's been done in other countries and because the President has control over men and women. As a baseball manager you only have control over men and that's a concept no one's comfortable with yet despite the fact that the title of President of the U.S. carries significantly more power than a manager in Major League Baseball. That's also the reason capable women don't bother learning about baseball tactics and all that crap. They'd rather devote their time to government and the goal of one day being leader of the free world.

I don't think someone like Hillary Clinton could be the manager of the Yankees even if she tried her best hand at it because they're two separate things.They might seem similar, but they are not and that's all there is to it. Usually the key to America getting used to something is having it in a movie first. People weren't sure if a Black guy could be President, then we all saw Morgan Freeman as the President in "Deep Impact" and that swayed a lot of people. That being said, there hasn't yet been a significant movie about a woman being a baseball manager. What's interesting is they have had movies about a child boy being a manager ("Little Big League") so that's not exactly encouraging. The movie has to come first. The question is, will Hollywood step to the plate?


Direct your questions to my business email: PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and thanks for listening!

You've Gotta Be Poopin' Me!: HD Vision Sunglasses

There's an infomercial out for sunglasses that claim to give you "HD Vision". The idea is that you look at a lake and it looks like a normal boring lake, but then you put on the sunglasses and see it in amazing vivid high definition. This has to be the stupidest thing I've heard of all day. Life is already in HD! The whole point of HD TV is to make TV look like real life. The greatest TV ever made could only make something look like it's right in front of you and that's still not yet possible with modern technology. 1080p displays 2.1 megapixels while scientists have estimated the human eye to display approximately 576 megapixels. There's simply no comparison.

Who has ever thought "I wish real life looked as good as HD TV!" If you've ever thought that then you either need eyeglasses or a mental evaluation. If you have any inclination to see the world sharper or more vivid then that's a sign that you should book an eye exam with your local optometrist. The answer is not going to be "HD sunglasses". And in case you were wondering, real life is already in 3D too so don't buy any "Real Life 3D Sunglasses" from anyone either. Unless you have an eye missing, everything should already be 3D. Maybe next they can come up with bubble gum that tastes like pure arctic, crisp water. You've gotta be poopin' me!

Dumbass Sayings "If You Can't Stand The Heat Get Out of The Kitchen!"

Welcome to the Thunderdome!

When someone appears to be faltering in a pressure situation where they're under a lot of stress, a common thing to say to them is "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!" This saying never made much sense to me. Is it really THAT hot in a kitchen? Sure maybe when the oven is on and the windows are open in the middle of Summer, but there are warmer places to be. Why not say "If you can't stand the heat get out of the boiler room!" or "If you can't stand the heat get out of the desert!" or "If you can't stand the heat step away from the volcano!" or "If you can't stand the heat take your dick out of the toaster!" All of those are much warmer situations than a kitchen.

Kitchens are actually supposed to be kept at a relatively average temperature since there are pantries filled with non-perishable goods that should not be subjected to high heat. And why is there such an obsession with heat? Being cold is just as bad as being hot. Why not say "If you can't stand freezing, get out of the meat locker!" or "If you can't stand the chill get the fudgesicle out of your ass?" Why am I the only one who says these things? I think they're pretty COOL sayings.

Also, it's always been sexist to say that "A woman's place is in the kitchen". Well if it's so hot, intense, and difficult in there then they isn't that either a compliment or not a sexist thing to say? We should all want to be in the kitchen because that's where you face the flames of immense challenge and fight them off with your extinguisher of perseverance. Either being in a kitchen demands respect or it doesn't! Which one is it?

5 Things To Always Be Thankful For in Life No Matter What

When things get bad in life it can be difficult to find things to feel glad about and appreciate. Fortunately, I've compiled a list of five things you can always feel good about whether your wife told you she's a lesbian now and filed for divorce or you're in jail for attacking your lesbian wife or BOTH.


5). Mosquitoes and other bugs don't come out in the Winter.

Imagine if mosquitoes were still around when it got cold and you had to deal with itchy mosquito bites all over plus being cold. That's just something that God says, "Yeah I know life is supposed to suck, but let's not go that far." Imagine if any insects were around in Winter like wasps, dung beetles, and bees, that'd be frightening as shit. God won't allow certain atrocities, starving children as thin as lamps covered in disease sure, but butterflies in the snow? Forget that! Now this might be something that changes in the coming decades because of global warming, but for now let's just be glad.

Aww, it's shitting blood.

4). AIDS isn't airborne.

Imagine how horrifying it would be if you could really get AIDS from being coughed on by someone with HIV. Fortunately that's not true so stop freaking out when Magic Johnson has the flu. You're being rude!

You can actually see an AIDS ghost in that mist if you look close enough.

3). All the annoying pop music superstars eventually fade out.

No matter how much you despise the current #1 Disney created singer or boy band, all you have to do is be patient because in around 5 years they will either be gone entirely or only visible in a diminished capacity. From the New Kids on the Block to the Backstreet Boys to Britney Spears to Hannah Montana and now Justin Bieber; no matter how popular they are it's only a matter of time before they disappear or become sympathetic characters.

The Osmonds were the shit back in the day, but these days they're all dead and no one cares.

2). A superior alien race isn't going to show up to enslave mankind and even if they do, it'll be awesome.

The whole situation with extraterrestrials is pretty great because it's a win/win. If they don't show up, whatever who cares? No one's going to be on their death bed regretting the fact they never met an alien. Then on top of that if they do show up they will probably enslave us all and harvest our organs for nutrients. And even if this does end up happening that's still pretty damn awesome. I wouldn't even mind being forced to do work for a super intelligent alien species and have my hair shaved off every few months because they eat human hair. That would be an unprecedented part of human history that I'd be a part of and that's incredible.

How can we fear them if they do not possess genitals?

1). If reincarnation is real, it doesn't even matter.

Some people live their lives thinking they need to do good things so they can come back as a falcon or other majestic type of flying animal in another life. Other people try to avoid doing bad things so they don't go to hell or come back as an anal tapeworm or something, but the fact is, you won't be aware of your situation either way so who cares? You should do good things, but do them because you want to not because you want to be a panda. Even if you're brought back as a starving African child, you won't know it's you or that it had anything to do with your past life so there won't be any sort of associative guilt, it's not even going to be you because then you'd know who you were in your last life and if that last life was a bird and you had no idea then as bad as your life is as a starving African child you'll forget all about it when you're a falcon in the next life and your consciousness is reset.

I'll probably come back as a roach because I'm a survivor! And to a lesser extent, I deserve to live in animal feces.

Gift Ideas For The Person Who Has EVERYTHING

Sometimes a friend's birthday rolls around and you're trying to think of the right gift to get for them when you realize they have everything that's possible to have on this planet. Here are some great gift ideas for the human who has everything:

1). Nothing.

Usually when Someone Who Has Everything's birthday is around the corner I'll type up an email saying "Well, you have everything in the world so I'm not going to bother getting you extra BS you don't need. Happy birthday, Grandpa!" Then I realize they probably have all the birthday wishes they need too so I delete the email and call it a day. It's not like their feelings will be hurt since they have everything. If anything, I save them the time it would have taken them to read my shitty email and time is the one thing you can't possess so that's probably one of the best gifts to give someone who claims to have "everything".

2). A person who has NOTHING.

The perfect gift in theory for "the man who has everything" would be "the woman who has nothing". That's right, a homeless woman. Pick one up off the street, try to be a little selective, make sure they have absolutely nothing and try to set her up with the guy. If the thing about opposites attracting is true, they should hit it off immediately.

3). A major league ass-kicking.

Whether you do it yourself or hire someone else to beat the guy up, it could be one of the best gifts he's ever received. When he's recovering in the hospital with all his friends and family around him he'll learn to stop taking things for granted and really appreciate the fact that he has everything and that knowledge and change in beliefs might end up saving his life down the road some day. It's the perfect gift too because if he has everything there's no point in suing you even if he does find out you masterminded the entire thing. That being sad, it's important to make sure the man truly has everything before you attempt this otherwise it would be a bad idea.

Sometimes the person who has everything is missing humility, which is a thing, so they don't truly have everything.

Some people act like getting gifts for people who have everything is tough, but it's actually the easiest person to get a gift for when you stop to think about it. Hopefully now you have some good ideas and are able to make their next birthday great even though there's no way for you to do that because it will be without you no matter what.

The New WNBA Logo is Slightly Underwhelming

Logos are an under appreciated form of art in the world today. If first impressions are the most important thing then an organization's logo has to be one of the most important aspects of their existence. The WNBA recently unveiled a new logo and it doesn't look too incredible. To be fair, all the most famous artists in the world have been men for some reason, but I don't buy into that whole art sexism thing because I believe women are more artistic than men. Then again we're talking about a predominantly lesbian organization so who knows what the hell is going on there.

You'd really think that a company that's been criticized for being boring would try harder to make their logo look more exciting, but at least they're being consistent. They could have gone overboard and made a totally amazing logo that would knock people's pants off, but they wanted to be true to themselves and they have to be commended for that. The sad thing is that the National Federation of the Blind has a logo and it's considerably better looking than the new WNBA logo. Now, blind people can't see their logo or even be 100% sure that it exists, but it still looks like they put more effort into it than the WNBA did for theirs. There are more colors and it just looks livelier.

Not bad for a bunch of blind people, eh?!

The blind knew that because they're blind they needed to up the ante when it came to their logo for people to take them seriously, but the WNBA really dropped the ball on this one and it's inexcusable. The problem is their main demographic is young girls and you really need to appeal kids visually. The NBA does that through their electrifying on-court action, but the WNBA needs to explore alternate methods of attracting kids and a dull ass orange logo that looks like they scraped it off the cutting room floor from that Will Ferrell ABA movie won't get the job done.

Offensiv Midget Toilet Paper Commercial From The 60's

Here's a TP ad featuring a really creepy old lady who has an unhealthy obsession with midgets aka height growth obstructed humanoids.

The Top 10 Worst "Air" Instruments

What's in an air instrument?

Most people like to play mime musical instruments like "air guitar", "air drums", or "air voice" (lip syncing), but there are a few instruments you should really never play "air" versions of especially in public and they are...


10). Violin - Playing air guitar is very popular, but the air violin is one imaginary stringed instrument that looks weird when playing it. The problem is you have to keep your chin clamped down on it to maintain the look of a violin and that can look extra stupid when there's no actual instrument there.



9). Viola - The air viola is incredibly similar to the air violin, but it's a tad worse because explaining that you're playing the "Air viola NOT the air violin" makes you look seem like a douche.

8). Tuba - Playing the air tuba gets pretty awkward if it's not done properly. You have to really put a lot of effort into simulating the weight of a tuba which is incredibly difficult when dealing with a fairly weightless thing like air which leads to an inaccurate portrayal.

7). Trumpet - Doing the arm movement for the air trumpet can look a little repetitious after awhile and then there's the risk of accidentally punching someone in the face.

6). Cello - The air cello is a very difficult airstument to play because you need to be seated and, like the tuba, must simulate an incredibly large object.

5). Musical Saw - The air musical saw is one of the rarest air instruments because few people are even familiar with the actual musical saw so playing the air version creates a lot of confusion.  The only benefit is that since it's not a real saw there's no risk of being cut.

When you play an air version of this no one's going to know what the hell is going on.

4). Tambourine - Playing the air tambourine is pretty boring and most of the time people have no idea what you're doing. They usually think you're doing the "jerkoff" gesture and wonder who you're referring to which can lead to some awkward office moments.

No instrument has transformed the landscape of music quite like the mythical tambourine.

3). Maracas - Another hand shaken instrument, the air maracas are a little worse than the air tambourine because you can't even slap your hand against it like a tambourine so basically you're just shaking the air maracas which gets boring fast. Plus, the whole point of air-playing an instrument is that you can't play the real version, but even a Chimp with a learning disability could play the maracas so why bother with the air maracas?

2). Harmonica - The air harmonica is another instrument that no one will understand when they first see it. If there are people around you they will usually ask "Are you okay? Is something wrong with your mouth?" Then you explain that you're just playing the air harmonica and they get a slightly worried look in their face and leave the room. It's not an ideal situation.

1). Clarinet - The absolute worst air instrument to be seen playing is the air clarinet. The reason for this is because the way you play a clarinet when mimed in the air looks an awful lot like you're just manually manipulating a giant penis while fellating it. I didn't see it at first, but then I did this at a party and was mocked relentlessly.

If you want to be cool, just play a real clarinet.

So if you're planning to purchase a new air instrument soon from the imaginary forest hopefully you learned a few things and are able to save your air money for a proper air bass or start piecing together a nice air drum set.

5 Future Investment Strategies That Could Make You Money

When you're involved in the stock market doing financial things with currency, it pays to think outside the box. It also helps to keep in mind potential scenarios that might arise so you can react smartly and fast when they do and profit from them. Here are 5 strategies you're going to want to use if the proper scenarios take place:

5). When popular "emo" rock bands like "My Chemical Romance" break up... Invest in Bic, Gillette, and any other major razor brands. You know the fans aren't going to take the news well and since most of them will be hyper sensitive teenagers, they might not actually do anything with the razors, but they will purchase them if for no other reason than attention.

4). If the obesity trend in America continues... Invest in funeral homes and services. Because coffins and urns will be growing in size the materials will become more expensive and because it's a mandatory cost everyone has to pay it's going to be a veritable gold mine.

3). If marijuana is legalized all across America... Invest heavily in Frito-Lay, bean bag chair factories, and Bob Marley merchandise. Also, sell any stock you might have in companies that do things that require a lot of effort and concentration as they shall crumble.

2). If gay marriage is legalized everywhere... Sell all your stock in anal lubricant companies. If every gay person is allowed to get married you're going to see anal lube stocks PLUMMET because as we all know when you're married sex becomes incredibly rare thus annihilating the butt lube industry and leaving it in a state of unprecedented disrepair much like a prolapsed anus.

1). If Chris Christie becomes U.S. President... Invest in as many fast food, snack, and sugary beverage corporations as possible as well as any Diabetes related pharmaceutical companies. Chris Christie will most likely be the anti-Bloomberg when it comes to regulating foods and obesity in America so much like his waistline and the market bubbles of the past, this industry will expand exponentially and many fat cats will engorge themselves on the wealth produced by it.

Deep fried animal intestines will be a booming hot commodity.

The majority of these are conditionally based on events that haven't happened which means you can't use them yet, but keep them in mind and when they do occur you'll be prepared to attack swiftly and it's that action that ultimately separates the rich from the poor.

The Top 5 Rarest Physical Deformities on Earth

From having no arms or hair to being born with your heart outside your rib cage, the world is full of horrible deformities and freaks, but there are certain deformities that you really never see. I know a lot of freaks with various physical deformities and I'm totally fine with that I think deformities make people unique, but these five conditions are things I've never personally seen. It could be due to the fact that anyone with them dies as a child so they never grow up for me to see or meet them, but I also watch a lot of TLC shows about child midgets and people with 500 lb tumors growing out of their ass so I'm fairly well versed when it comes to the deformed. These are just things I've never seen on TV or in real life.

5). Born with only one ear.

Babies can be born with a lot of weird crap going on including having their entire body inside out, but you never see a baby with just one ear.

One ear means never being able to fully enjoy Dolby surround sound IMAX movies.

4). Having only one leg and one arm.

This isn't even one that has to happen at birth which would be very rare, but even people who have accidents and lose an arm never lose their opposite sided leg. Despite the fact they have to be more reliant on their other limbs when one is missing, you hardly ever hear of a guy who only has his right arm and left leg. It would provide an odd balance, but it's incredibly rare.


3). Born with only one nostril.

This one isn't even that big of a deal, but you never see it. When was the last time you met someone with only one nostril? It's like for some reason a baby can be born with a liquid skeleton or genitals that look like a tire fire, but god forbid you forget to give a kid two nostrils! It's like no matter what happens there's two of everything there needs to be.


2). Born with no tongue

Tongues are pretty important, especially to lesbians and "foodies", but I'd argue that genitals and skulls are more important and people are born without those all the time. Have you ever met anyone who doesn't have a tongue? I'd think you'd remember if you did! Being born with a cleft lip is extremely common, but no tongue? That's totally off-limits.

Sometimes people are tongueless because they've had them cut out forcibly, but who was the last baby you met without a tongue?

1). Born with one eye smaller than the other.

This one puzzles me the most because you'd think at least one time there'd be someone with a tiny eye the size of a pea or something or even a marble and a normal sized eye. Or a normal sized eye and a giant Christmas tree ornament eyeball, but it just doesn't happen. No matter how much of a freak you are, odds are your eyes are the same exact size. Babies are born with AIDS and crinkled up limbs, clubbed feet, mentally handicapped, but I have never seen a baby with two different sized eyes. To be fair, that's probably one of the most disturbing physical deformities someone can have, but if the weird eye works I don't see the problem.

Even freakass koalas have eyes the same size.

If you have any knowledge of people with these deformities please let me know. I'm sure the one about limbs is more common than I think, but the others still puzzle me relentlessly and I spend many a night wondering about them so if anyone can help I'd appreciate it.

Dumbass Sayings: "When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade"

Whenever someone wants to communicate the idea of making something good out of a bad situation they say "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade", but I always thought this was a dumb saying. There are a few things wrong with it.

First off, why would life give you lemons? When does anyone ever come across a giant barrel of lemons randomly? It's a little difficult to put yourself in this hypothetical situation. Maybe instead say "If your uncle who owns a lemon farm bequeathed full ownership of it to you in his will and passed away yesterday, begin plans to construct a lemonade factory beside it." Then maybe I can better understand what you're trying to say.

Second, lemonade isn't THAT easy to make. You can't just squeeze lemons into a cup and sell that to people at the side of the road. I've tried that and they get really mad. In order to make lemonade you need things like sugar and water and other complicated ingredients. If you get to use extra ingredients then why not make a lemon meringue pie or lemon cookies or something? That would be better than just making lemonade. Maybe instead say "When life gives you lemons, make a whole bunch of assorted lemon related food and beverage products."

Third, making lemonade out of lemons isn't really the best thing you can do with a bunch of lemons. How many lemons are we talking about here? If life only gives you two lemons then most people would just walk away from that and not even give a crap, which doesn't fit with the whole idea of the saying. The lemons are meant to exemplify pain and bad situations so I would assume life is giving you several truck fulls of lemons. In this case the best thing to do would not be to make lemonade with them, but rather sell them to grocery stores or at a farmers market so you can get money for them. The saying should be "When life gives you lemons, ignore them, or if there's several thousand then arrange a deal with a farmers market to sell them."

The overall problem with the lemons saying is that lemons aren't inherently evil. Sure they're sour and no one really eats them raw, but they're not the worst thing you can get. People like to use this saying when it relates to real hardcore tragedies in life like cancer and death. Who would compare death with lemons? The more truthful, modern version of this saying would be "When life dumps a bucket of human shit on your head, make a viral video of it, then go take a shower and wash your hair with anti-bacterial shampoo." I've been saying this more and more to people and I think it sinks in a little better with people these days than the old fashioned lemon remark.

I Am An Addict. I'm Addicted to Pooping.

One of the biggest addictions I have, and you might be the same way, is shitting. I can't stop doing it. I can go a week, week and a half but around that time I start going through withdrawal. I am a crap addict. I get all jittery and shakey, can't keep my mind straight and I just have to go into a public bathroom and light it up doggy style. Yeah that's right, you can also shit 'doggie style,' not many people know this. If you've ever seen a doberman pincher take a shit, make sure to jot down some notes, they aren't called pinchers for nothing.

Anyway, I keep trying to make a group called Poopaholics Anonymous, but the local High School keeps refusing to let me rent out their lunchroom on the weekends for meetings, I think they think it's something else. I just can't help it, it really affects my life negatively I mean it's so much fun and it feels so good! Of course sometimes you can go on bad shit trips and end up in a lot of pain and wake up on the toilet not remembering who you are, but that's part of the package. Shitting actually cost me my job at Pizza Hut. I can't really say anything more about it, but I'm not allowed within a 5 mile radius of the restaurant anymore. Poop addiction is a serious issue and I hope that by admitting I have a problem it will help others to get help too. We can all get through this together!

Dumbass Phrase: "Sticks Out Like A Sore Thumb"

Who the hell comes up with these phrases like "Sticks out like a sore thumb"? Most of the time when you have a sore thumb its inflamed a few millimeters at most. No one is going to notice that if they're right up close to you much less from farther away. Instead of saying "Sticks out like a sore thumb" people should say "Sticks out like a giant tumor", "Like a minority enjoying NASCAR", or "Like an adam's apple on a tranny" or something that people can more easily relate to. Those are things people can actually notice. A sore thumb on the other hand, that's actually one of the LAST things someone will notice about you.

A new new hairdo is way more noticeable than a sore thumb. Ear piercings, a hunchback, camel toe, these are things that make you stick out way more than a sore thumb. But just try saying someone "Sticks out like a camel toe" instead. Society won't accept it, which is unfortunate. It's unfortunate that we live in a culture where saying logical things is frowned upon and saying ridiculous, archaic nonsense is second nature. We need to start re-examining these parts of speech and updating them before we lose all grasp on sanity and what's real.

The Pedestal Squatting Poop Technique

Pooping experts all around the world have stated that the natural way for a human being to defecate is to be squatting as our forefathers did in fields and savannas. Not enough people know this, but crapping while seated is an incredibly unnatural act and can lead to many colon and anal related issues. In the Western world where there aren't any hole in the ground toilets, you might be wondering how to achieve the squatting technique on a toilet. That's where the Pedestal Squatting technique comes in. Let's take a look at the pros and the cons.

Please note: This man may be sitting a little too far back.

Pros: 

-Faster, more efficient and complete bowel movements.

-Utilizing gravity.

-Being natural.

-Great technique for public toilets so your ass doesn't touch the seat.

Cons:

-Difficult to balance/risk of slipping and falling.

-Might shit on back of toilet seat.

-Enhanced pressure on anus may harm older individuals.

-Difficult to relax and read or meditate while in this position.

So when you add everything up, it all breaks about even. It's all a matter of what works best for you. If you're a young hippie vegan type you might want to transition to this more natural way of crapping. And if you're an older elderly person then this may not be the best option for you. I'm just letting you know it's here for you if you ever need it. Oh and if you do decide to use the Pedestal Squat, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR SHORTS OFF FIRST! (Unlike the man in the diagram). Happy shitting, from my family to yours!

Ask McFartnuggets: "How To Crap Like A Champion Today"

Dear McFartnuggets: I don't normally like to ask people for help when it comes to certain things, but how can I finish off my dumps like a champion? It seems like I'll get 96% of my total feces out on the first, second, and even third waves, but after that's done, uh oh! There's still roughly 4% that just sits there. It knows it's there, but it just wants to hang out, and listen I can't sit on the toilet for three hours waiting for this to come out, but it just stays there. How can I power it out? Should I pace myself more? I'm pretty sure I've tried that. And don't say get more fiber, as it is I consume the indigestible cellulose equivalent of a fucking fir tree every day. I try to dig it out with toilet paper, but there's only so far you can go with that and still consider yourself a man and not get shit all over your hands. Then the rest is inevitably what ends up in my jogging shorts later that day. It really pisses me off here, any help would be great. -- Todd from Evansville, Louisiana

Dear Todd: I know what you're talking about, I feel your pain. I've been there! Sometimes crapping to your fullest just isn't physically possible, even Buddhist monks who are masters of concentration have difficulties with this issue. What I do is take a "Wax Vac" that thing that sucks the ear wax out of your ear canal and I just use that bad boy on my demon hole when I feel like there's a little bit more I could be giving. If you need to go deeper than an ear canal you might want to attach a straw. Just make sure you wash it off after and NEVER tell your roommate what you're doing with their Wax Vac!

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and thanks for listening!

Why Are Rabbits The Only Animals With Lucky Feet?

Rabbits are really the only animal whose feet are lucky. Why? Someone just made it up and enough people agreed. If you're walking around with any other type of severed animal foot on your keychain you're considered a freak. Some people consider elephant's feet unlucky, but no shit, if you're just laying on the beach one day and you see an elephant's foot in your face, chances are you'll be dead within the next few seconds. So that makes sense, but the whole rabbits' foot being lucky thing doesn't. I could see the logic in the foot of a human being being lucky. Most people don't consider finding a human foot lucky, but actually when you report it to the police it can help them find a serial killer on the loose so that's a tremendously lucky thing.

Or you could just walk around with it jammed in your pocket. That's way luckier than a rabbit's foot because it will keep evildoers away from you. No one mugs a person wearing a human foot necklace. Sure it's a little cumbersome, but it's the luck that counts. "Hey Frank whatcha got there?" "Oh, haha yeah it's my new good luck charm." "Wow it looks so real... It's all pale and moist looking, God it stinks too! Where'd ya get it?" "Uhh... At a costume store..." then you say you have a previous engagement to get to and make a graceful exit.