5 Things to NOT Put on Your Resume

My resume needed some work...

I went to a career services adviser the other day and had her take a look over my resume to help me make some quick fixes and tweaks. She was not shy about telling me what I needed to fix. After all her corrections I have nearly no resume left. Her biggest problem was with my "Special Skills" section at the bottom. Here's what she told me to get rid of:

5). "I can tell right away when I see a phony."

I think this is a great skill to have and I've never been wrong, but the career adviser told me to take this off my CV. I guess there are a lot of phonies out there with jobs and they don't want a phony hawk soaring overhead pointing out their life of lies.

4). "I ain't no snitch."

I have to keep remembering this is a job search not a gang initiation. Though I honestly don't see the problem here. No one likes a snitch, that's true fo life, pero I guess major corporations like Wal-Mart want people to snitch on their other coworkers if they see them stealing. That's why Wal-Mart is destroying America. They kill small business and promote snitching.

3). "I have never been convicted of a crime..."

This is usually something you have to put on the job application anyway so I don't really understand why it can't be reinforced on the resume. The career adviser told me the "..." at the end was suggestive that I was lying or "not telling the whole story" which is B.S. I do it to add intrigue. If someone sees that then maybe they want to invite me in and ask me about what that means.

2). "I am very flexible, not hours-wise, I mean literally flexible. I could probably stick my own foot in my ass if I wanted, but I don't because I don't do that sort of thing."

My career adviser told me that I should only put this on a resume if I'm applying to be a yoga instructor and I should leave out the part about putting my foot in my ass.

1). "I'll do anything for the job... ANYTHING!!!"

I felt like this was an important part of my resume because it really highlights how bad I want the job. I mean who else puts this on their resume? You immediately stand out. Of course my career adviser had a serious problem with it and told me it encourages sexual misconduct. I don't know why this chick's thoughts went straight to sex, I was just talking about massages or running errands for the person. But I guess if this lady took it the wrong way, an employer would too.

So there's your list of five things to definitely not list as "Special Skills" on your resume or "Curriculum Vitae" (if you're a douchebag). Hope it helps and good luck with the job search!